Through the Fire

      
I am starting this blog with a passage from the Book of Daniel, that really blessed me. I believe that it will bless you, too, if you are currently "going through the fire". From Daniel 2:19-30 (New King James Version):

19 Then Nebuchadnezzar was full of fury, and the expression on his face changed toward Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego. He spoke and commanded that they heat the furnace seven times more than it was usually heated.

20 And he commanded certain mighty men of valor who were in his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, and cast them into the burning fiery furnace.
21 Then these men were bound in their coats, their trousers, their turbans, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

22 Therefore, because the king’s command was urgent, and the furnace exceedingly hot, the flame of the fire killed those men who took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego.

23 And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished; and he rose in haste and spoke, saying to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.”

25 “Look!” he answered, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.”

26 Then Nebuchadnezzar went near the mouth of the burning fiery furnace and spoke, saying, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, servants of the Most High God, come out, and come here.” Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego came from the midst of the fire.

27 And the satraps, administrators, governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together, and they saw these men on whose bodies the fire had no power; the hair of their head was not singed nor were their garments affected, and the smell of fire was not on them.

28 Nebuchadnezzar spoke, saying, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, who sent His Angel[b] and delivered His servants who trusted in Him, and they have frustrated the king’s word, and yielded their bodies, that they should not serve nor worship any god except their own God!

29 Therefore I make a decree that any people, nation, or language which speaks anything amiss against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made an ash heap; because there is no other God who can deliver like this.”

30 Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego in the province of Babylon.

King Nebuchadnezzar built a golden statue that he ordered the people under his rule to worship. Those that did not worship the statue were to be thrown into a fiery furnace:

4 Then a herald cried aloud: “To you it is commanded, O peoples, nations, and languages, 5 that at the time you hear the sound of the horn, flute, harp, lyre, and psaltery, in symphony with all kinds of music, you shall fall down and worship the gold image that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up; 6 and whoever does not fall down and worship shall be cast immediately into the midst of a burning fiery furnace.”

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, servants of the Most High God, refused to bow down to this golden idol. And as you read in the initial passage, they were thrown into a fiery furnace.

Some things to note about going through the fire with the Most High God to encourage you:

1. Persecution will come. Life will bring its challenges, and children of the Most High God are not exempt. And it seems that persecution is guaranteed when you are doing the right things, serving a holy God. This seems counter-intuitive, but in God's kingdom, logic is surpassed and defied. Living in God's kingdom requires godly wisdom and understanding. It can be said that the Kingdom of God is oxymoronic. Love your enemies. Pray for those who spitefully use and persecute you. If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. Give to others to receive. Lose your life to gain your soul. Follow the Most High God and be persecuted. You might be saying, "Now, wait one minute, Ms. Couch Coach. I thought that this was supposed to be encouraging." Be encouraged! Though persecution comes, God always sees us through it, and we are exceeding blessed by it, as our faith is strengthened and our abundance is increased.

2. You are not alone. In Daniel 2:25, King says, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.” He recognizes that the "Son of Man" is on the furnace with the three men. Just like the three Hebrew men, as servants of the Most High God, you are not alone when going through the fire. He (the Most High God) is there to protect you and guide you through and out of the fire. Though God allows us to go through the fire, He doesn't make us go through it alone. He is true to His word. He will never leave or forsake you. He is with you always -- through the good and the bad. Through the fires and through the storms.

3. You are freed from bondage. God allows the fire to refine you and set you free, not to leave you bound by hurt and devastation. God allows you to go through the fire to strengthen you and emancipate you from all that held you captive before the fire. We, as children of the most High God, are referred to as [potter's] clay and as iron in the Word. Just as fire solidifies clay and makes it a usable vessel, and just as it removes the impurities from metals, so it does to us. When we go through the fire, God burns away (removes) all impurities from our past that kept us in bondage mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and socially. He, then, shapes and molds us into what He wants us to be, and solidifies us, that we might be vessels worthy to be used by Him.

4. You will not be burnt. The three men were bound in their coats, their trousers, their turbans, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace. However, the fire had no power. It was clear that it was God who had the power not the fire. The hair on the heads of the men was not singed and their garments were not affected. God protects us from the same fire that can destroy others, so that you not only will not be hurt, damaged, destroyed or killed, but you will come out liberated, purified, and strengthened. Praise God!

5. You can have a good attitude. Daniel 2:27 says, "the smell of fire was not on them." Having gone through the fiery furnace, not only were the three men not consumed by the fire, they also did not have the scent of the fire left on them. This is a powerful testimony of being able to go through trials and tribulations without having the residue of a bad attitude from having endured the experience. Instead of the expected, overpowering charcoal stench, the men had no determinable smell from going through the fire. Likewise, we, as children of the Most High God, should walk away from our challenges with a positive attitude, knowing that God was with us through the fire, has protected us from it, sustained in it, and brought us through it!

6. God will be blessed. Others will see your testimony. People will not only see that you have gone through such a trying experience unscathed, but they will also see that God's mighty hand was at work to protect you and see you out of it. You will praise and bless God as a result, and others will seek God during their trials, as well. God will be pleased, and He will be blessed through your praise!

7. You will be promoted. Daniel 2:30 says, "Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego in the province of Babylon." King Nebuchadnezzar recognized the power of the Most High God that the three men served, and they were promoted as a result. They had a better position in the kingdom after having gone through the fire than they had before. You will also be promoted to a new level after going through the fire as a child of the most High God. After the fire, you will promoted to a new level of thinking, a new level of faith, and doors will be opened for you that were not available before going through the fire. As children of the Most High God and members of God's (oxymoronic) Kingdom, the completion of our trials, tribulations, and challenges will bring increase and promotion!

James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Be encouraged! Going through the fire brings positive results!


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach
 

Grief

  

I have not blogged in a few months, during which time, my paternal grandmother passed. Grandma was the nucleus of our family, and the person I admired the most in the world. I spent many days with my grandmother growing up (and in adulthood). You could say that I was her protégé. She was "Ms. Precise Sr." and I was "Ms. Precise Jr.", which spoke to our methodical, meticulous approach to life (inherited for me, I am sure). Having moved away from my home, Washington, DC, in 2004, I was in my new home of Atlanta when I got the news of her passing from my dad -- which I did not take well at all. I was virtually obsessed with getting on the road, in a train, on a plane -- whatever it took -- to get to my "honey" (Grandma). She was now gone, but I felt compelled to be near her physical shell in an effort to feel close to her, since I missed saying goodbye to her. I know my family thought I was a little touched, but this was GRANDMA. She would have wanted me there -- to help get things in order and plan -- that's what we did, she and I -- we were planners and doers. My honey needed me there.

I know that grief can take many forms, and I do know that I am deeply grieving my loss. I have lost close loved ones before, but nothing seems to compare to this pain. I am surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends (and I am truly blessed to still have my parents, who I love dearly), but I feel alone -- like a big chunk of me is missing. I know that my family members are going through their own grieving process, and certainly feel the loss, like me. My whole mindset has changed to focusing on understanding how to now live life without Grandma, my constant, and how to become even more like her. Having written her biography, Ella's Story, for the Celebration of Life and Homegoing program, I was reminded of the type of person that she was and the life that she lived. Grandma was a sweet, kind, giving soul, who made everyone feel special. She accomplished much and helped many. She was the epitome of "dying empty", having shared all of her gifts, resources, time, and talents with others. When I pass, I will be blessed to be called a "virtuous woman", like her. She is certainly a woman to aspire after whom to model your life!

My personal grief has taken me through a range of emotions, like anger (over losing her), sadness (over missing her), and joy (over having the opportunity to know and love her). Grief, to me, is like a lead blanket -- while it's on you, you can barely breathe or move. Everything is harder to do, and the intensity of every negative emotion, circumstance, or situation is enhanced or magnified. Worst of all, you cannot control grief -- you cannot control your feelings or reactions to negative circumstances. Even positive circumstances do not seem as positive. When you are grieving, you are indifferent and numb. Good things don't matter and bad things are that much worse. The good news is that, with each passing day, the intensity of the grief lessens, and you are able to eventually return to a semblance of "normal" life -- as normal as it could be without your lost loved one present.

During the beginning of my grieving process, I was emotional, depressed, and unmotivated. I really did not care to be around others (at least not for an extended period of time, and specifically larger groups of people), and I was emotionally sensitive. Wow! And, though I may have tried, I could not seem to get a handle on these emotions. I have had my good moments and I have had my bad moments. I could look at a photo of Grandma and smile or I could look at a card from her and breakdown and cry. (Even as I typed this blog, which took me months to compose, I cried, thinking about my honey.) Grief is tough, and seems to not have a specific time frame. You must give yourself time to grieve, and communicate to others that you are grieving and might not be your normal self and might react in unexpected ways to circumstances, situations, and even communication.

Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, or possessions, to the loss of loved ones. Many psychiatrists and psychologists have studied grief. The Kübler-Ross model, developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, details five sequential stages of grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which are commonly referred to as the "grief cycle." Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.*

**The progression of the stages of grief is:

1. Denial – "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."

In this first stage of grieving, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

2. Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"

In the second stage of grieving, we recognize that denial cannot continue, and there is a heightened awareness that the death or loss has taken place. The grieving person may become furious at the person who was lost through death, abandonment, or other severing of ties. The grieving person, when unable to find anyone in particular to blame for the loss, might blame God or "the world", for letting the loss or death happen. Self anger might occur if the person feels responsible for letting the death or loss take place, even if, nothing realistically could have prevented it.

3. Bargaining – "Just let him/her live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years with him/her."; "I will give my life savings if..."

The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay the loved one's death. The grieving person may make bargains with God. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand he/she will die, but if I could just have more time..."

4. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "He/she is not here. What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of the loved one's death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors, and spend much of the time crying and grieving. The person may also feel numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

5. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that has occurred. anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss. This stage marks the end of the grieving struggle.

Remember, grief is a process -- so give yourself time to grieve, but do depend on your support system of friends, loved ones, and spiritual and professional help, as needed, to help you through the process.

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach



*/**Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model, Kübler-Ross model, Retrieved April 28, 2010.

**Santrock, J.W. (2007). A Topical Approach to Life-Span Development. New York: McGraw-Hill. ISBN 0073382647.

**Memorial Hospital, Inc., http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE-3.html, The Stages of Grief, Retrieved April 28, 2010.
    

Perspective

  

It all depends on how we look at things, and not on how things are in themselves. The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it. ~Carl Jung

Today I had a change of perspective -- an "AHA!" moment, if you will. I had written, in permanent ink, at the top of bathroom mirror: 2010 is going to be a GREAT year for me! MY TIME IS COMING! This is a wonderful confession in and of itself. It speaks of hope, potential, and a preferable future. Not bad, right? What could make it even better? A slight change in perspective can make a big difference.

I was listening to the opening inspirational moments of my weekday morning radio show, and the radio personality was mentioning Joel Osteen's book, "It's Your Time". This immediately made me think of my mirror affirmation: "MY TIME IS COMING!" I said to myself, "Wait a minute. My time isn't coming. My time is now!" I immediately took the glass cleaner from the cabinet under the sink, and wiped away my former confession. With my mirror affirmation changed to: "IT'S MY TIME IS NOW!", I now had a new perspective and a renewed since of direction and purpose. I felt refreshed! A small change in perspective can make a big difference. Instead of "my time" being this wonderful future prospect, always just out of reach (but on its way), it was now here and viable. With a perspective change from "out there and possible" to "right here and viable", possibilities seem more tangible rather than just something to which to aspire.

Perspective is based on perception and is relative, personal, and specific. We do not see things are they really are, we see them through the lenses of our beliefs, fears, previous experiences, and feelings. Perspective is based on degrees or measurements, like intensity, duration, and distance. How painful, exciting, compelling, or long something is generally depends on one's personal perspective. What is painful for one person might be strengthening or motivating to another. What seems like an eternity to one person might seem like minutes to another. How you view life (its events, circumstances, and related feelings) can either propel you or paralyze you. Perception can affect an end result. If you have a change in perception, you can have a change in results. Your outlook determines your outcome. You can change perception by changing meaning, value, relevance, and/or facts.

In psychological terms, a change in perspective is called "reframing". The concept of reframing is that you have a choice in how you interpret or view situations and circumstances. Reframing can help you view a problem as an opportunity; a weakness as a strength; or an impossibility as a possibility. With reframing, you change perspective by putting a positive spin on something viewed as negative. There are two basic kinds of reframing: context reframing and content reframing. We make meaning of facts and circumstances by making assumptions or inferences about them. Meaning depends on how we view context and content, so you control the context or content of something by changing its meaning. When you change your perspective through reframing, you change negative assumptions and inferences about facts and circumstances into positive ones.

Context reframing is changing the meaning of a situation by changing its context. With this type of change in perspective, you take a behavior, experience or attribute that seems to be negative, not useful, and distressing, and show how the same behavior, experience or attribute can be useful in another context or situation. With context reframing, you ask yourself, "In what context (or situations), can this have value or be useful?" For example, instead of saying, "My son talks too much", say, "My son is going to grow up to be a great speaker!" Context reframing focuses on how the current circumstances, behavior or feelings can be beneficial in a different time or place. If you change the context, you change your perspective.

Our perception causes us to give situations or circumstances a specific meaning, which may or may not be true. Content reframing is simply changing the meaning of a situation. The situation, attribute or behavior stays the same, but the meaning is changed and takes on a positive value. Content reframing can be used to change a negative idea or belief into something useful. With content reframing, you ask yourself, "What else could this mean? In what way, could this be positive?" For example, instead of saying, "I did not get that job. I must have done terribly on that interview", say, "I didn't get that job. There must be a great opportunity awaiting me!" If you change the content, you change your perspective.

Just like a different frame changes the appearance of a picture, reframing changes your perspective. Follow this advice, to help reframe your perspective and cause a positive shift in your thinking:

1. Ask yourself: "What's the worst that could happen?" Then, assess the likelihood of it actually happening. You will find that it is either not likely to happen or not as bad as you thought.

2. Avoid "all-or-nothing" thinking and generalizations by eliminating the use of extreme terms like "never", "always", "all of", "none of", “everybody, and “nobody”. Again, things are usually not as bad as they seem. Think of exceptions, of times when the situation was different.

3. Minimize intensity, duration, distance to make situations and circumstances more tolerable. Remember, nothing lasts forever. This too shall pass, so change your mindset to that effect.

4. Be a "glass half full" person. Ask yourself, "What is the positive value in this situation?"

5. Look for alternate explanations for situations, circumstances, and behaviors. Ask yourself, "What else can this mean?"

6. Examine the evidence. Usually, if you think about it, there is no real evidence to support your bleak or negative outlook. It is just as easy to think positively as it is to think negatively, but with far better results. Think about what is right about a situation, not about what is bad. Think about what you do have, not what you don't have. Think about what you can do, not what you cannot do.

7. Expand your scope. Have a panoramic view of things. Look at the "big picture". In isolation, something can seem really bad, but when seen in the grander scheme of things, it can seem quite insignificant. Don't sweat the small stuff!

8. Expect the best and prepare for the best (not the worst). Oft times, we are too focused on the bad that could happen, and we brace ourselves for it. Your results are directly tied to your preparation. Shift your prep work to focus on getting the best results not the worst.

9. Challenge distorted beliefs. Examine the source of your negative outlook. Be open to new ideas and concepts that will help you change your "stinking thinking".

10. See the possibilities. Instead of seeing roadblocks, see possibilities. Once you see the possibilities, bring them within arms’ reach. Something always on its way may never get there. Once it is up close and personal, it becomes more tangible and realistic.

As I think about it, I think I will change the first part of my mirror affirmation from "2010 is going to be a GREAT year for me!" to "2010 is a GREAT year for me!" It's all about perspective!

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

Freedom

      

"I'm taking my freedom, pulling it off the shelf, putting it on my chain, wearing it 'round my neck." (Jill Scott, Golden)

How many people feel like Jill Scott's song, "Golden", is their theme song? I love that song! In it, Jill expresses the liberating feelings of walking in her freedom. She is wearing her freedom around her neck and putting it a song. She's got joy and is representing God's glory. Wow! As I sing along with the song, I feel the power of the lyrics. "I'm living my life like it's golden!" What a confession! What benefits of living a life of freedom! How is this "Golden Life" possible? How can you walk daily in the freedom that God created you for? You have to learn to find freedom in your individuality, relationship with Christ, and purpose for your life. You have to be free from expectations, excuses, and criticism.

1. Freedom in Individuality

The most important way to walk in freedom is to know who you are. You must be fully aware of self, and then fully be that person that you know you are. There is bondage in conformity, especially when it comes to personality, personal endeavors, and personal pursuits. Be able to express your likes and dislikes, values and views, morals and standards, desires and dreams, plans and goals. In modern vernacular, "Do you!" And in the words of William Shakespeare in "Hamlet": "This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." If you are being authentically and transparently you, this is the “you” that you present to others. There is such freedom in being true to yourself. When you are true to yourself, you do not have to put on fronts or airs or wear masks. But you can present your true self to others instead of the watered-down, representative version of you. Presenting your true self to others and walking in your individuality requires introspection, acknowledgment, confidence, and sometimes even courage. When you are your true self instead of being what others would like you to be, you risk rejection, discouragement, alienation, and unpopularity. News alert: THIS IS OKAY. Not everyone is going to like you anyway, whether you are being true to yourself or not. You might as well be your authentic self and attract friends based on who you really are. Walk in the freedom of individuality. Be your true self at all times.

2. Freedom from Expectations

Expectations can be a way of controlling relationships by demanding another person act in a certain way based on your relationship with them. In order to walk in freedom from expectations, you must not only not have unreasonable expectations of others, but you must also not expect to fully meet the expectations of others, as expectations are never 100% fully met. The problem with expectations is that you always have more expectations. Expectations birth expectations and lead to perpetual dissatisfaction, because there is never an end to the expectations. Having expectations of others or trying to meet the expectations of others can be a vicious cycle. When we have expectations of another, especially unreasonable and unexpressed expectations, we expect others to read our minds, and know our desired future or expected outcome or results. We create self-induced disappointment and undue stress and strain on relationships. Likewise, when we try to live up to the expectations others, we seldom do, and we continually disappoint. Walk in freedom from expectations – yours and others. Expect less, accept more.

3. Freedom from Excuses

Anyone who has pledged a fraternity or sorority can quote this or some other variation of Excuses: “Excuses are tools of incompetence, used to build monuments of nothingness, and those who specialize in them seldom accomplish anything.” Nothing is more liberating than taking the excuses out of life. Excuses are limiting to self and others. Excuses are designed to justify behavior or feelings in a way that makes it appear more acceptable or less offensive. Excuses are false reasons that enable you to do something you want to do or avoid something you do not want to do. By their nature, excuses are meant to be cover ups for true behavior, feelings, or intent. Excuses are lies we tell ourselves to avoid dealing with unpleasant truths. Liberate yourself. Do not justify and cover up, but provide explanations, valid reasons, and clarity of thought, feelings, actions, and intent. Eliminate self-limiting excuses like, “I don’t have enough time…”, “I don’t have enough experience...”, “I don’t have enough money….”, and “I don’t have enough energy…”. Walk in freedom from excuses. Be straightforward and truthful with yourself and others. Supply valid reasons and explanations in a clear, concise, honest way.

4. Freedom from Criticism

Many times, people put way too much emphasis on what others think about them. They are concerned about what others think about them, including their behavior, appearance, and lifestyle. Emotions can flare based on the expressed criticism of others. When we respond to criticism, good or bad, we are letting others control our emotional responses. “I am happy if…..” “I am angry if….” I am sad if……” When we let criticism - whether in the form of dissatisfaction, assessment, or critique - control us, we are in bondage and captive to the approval of others. Criticism in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. Constructive criticism can be requested, welcomed, and whole-heartedly received. However, when criticism, requested or not, constructive or not, is allowed to impact our emotions, we are not walking freedom from criticism. When we receive criticism, we can assess its validity and act according, making adjustments as needed. However, we should be more concerned about living godly, moral lives, and focus on what God thinks about us rather than what people think about us. Walk in freedom from criticism. Do not let what others deem as wrong or unacceptable (or even right or acceptable) control you.

5. Freedom in Purpose

When you know what God created you to do, you can walk in the freedom of your purpose. You are not boxed into working a job that you don’t want to work or in a field that is of no interest to you. When you walk in freedom of purpose, you are not defined by your family’s or society’s expectations of what you should do or become. When you are pursuing your purpose, you feel valuable, important, and needed, because God created a niche just for you. If you are working at a job or in a position, and asking yourself, “Why am I really here?”, it could be because you are not walking in your purpose. If you feel stuck, boxed in, unmotivated, and limited, you might not be walking in your purpose. Seek God for His purpose for your life, and then take the necessary steps (which is usually a process) to walk in that purpose. Walk in freedom of purpose. Do what God created you to do.

6. Freedom in Christ

If you are a Christian, then you can walk in the freedom of your identity in Christ. You can walk in confidence knowing who you are because of whose you are – a child of God saved by grace. When you walk in the freedom of your identity in Christ, you can walk in the assurance of being the righteousness of God through Christ; redeemed by His blood; free from condemnation; covered by grace; showered with favor; having things worked out for your benefit; the salt of the earth; the light of the world; a temple of the Holy Spirit; and God’s handiwork. When you acknowledge your identity in Christ, you know that you are valued and loved. You do not have to seek validation in and through others. When you walk in the freedom of Christ, you are free to be who God created you to be with confidence. You walk in your uniqueness and purpose, free from expectations, excuses, and criticism.

Come on and sing with me.....

I'm taking my freedom
Pulling it off the shelf
Putting it on my chain
Wearing it 'round my neck
I'm taking my freedom
Putting it in my car
Wherever I choose to go
It will take me far
I'm…
Living my life like it's golden

I'm taking my own freedom
Putting it in my song
Singing loud and strong
Grooving all day long
I'm taking my freedom
Putting it in my stroll
I’ll be high-stepping ya'll
Letting the joy unfold
I'm…
Living my life like it's golden

I'm holding on to my freedom
Can't take it from me
I was born into it and it comes naturally
I'm strumming my own freedom
Playing the God in me
Representing His glory
Hope He's proud of me!
Yeah!

Living my life, like it's golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, golden.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach
   

Bitterness

       

"The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter." Mandie Ellingson

I recently listened to a Joyce Meyer teaching series on "Bitterness", in which Joyce taught on becoming better instead of bitter. In it, Joyce spoke of a conference attendee who pointed out that the only difference between "bitter" and "better" is the letter "I". When it comes to the decision to be bitter or better, self-will makes all the difference. Bitterness is all about self, is tied to resentment and unforgiveness, and lacks love and grace in every possible way. After listening to Joyce, I decided to delve deeper into the "bitterness" topic.

Definition of bitterness

"Bitterness" comes from the root word “bitter”, which mean to be angry and resentful. Bitterness is characterized by intense antagonism or hostility caused by a sense of having been badly treated. When you are bitter toward someone, you have strong animosity toward them, and cynicism kicks into high gear. You become mocking and scornful toward them, and you doubt their motives and sincerity. Bitterness puts you in offense mode. You are ready to attack or assault the person who hurt or mistreated you. When something is bitter, it causes a sharply unpleasant, painful, or stinging sensation. When you are bitter toward another, that person engenders unpleasant and painful feelings in you. In return, you are sharp and unpleasant toward them.

The root of bitterness

If I could paint a picture in your mind about how bitterness is formed and grows, I would say the seeds of hurt form into the roots of bitterness that yield the fruit of anger, resentment, and unforgiveness. Bitterness blocks your blessings and God’s dispensation of grace. Hebrews 12:14-15 tells us, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.” As you fail to extend grace to others, you also fall short of God’s grace. When the root of bitterness springs up, it leads to fruit that only expounds on a negative feeling and complicates matters. As bitterness grows, so do anger and resentment. Resentment leads to grudges and grudges lead to unforgiveness. When you decide to be bitter, you decide to carry a weight and a burden that controls you based on direct or indirect hurt or unmet expectations from another person. When you are bitter, you are enslaved by hurt. Slavery causes bitterness, and bitterness causes slavery. It is a vicious cycle. When you are bitter, you are holding on to an actual or perceived hurt (intentional or unintentional on the other person’s part) that is dictating your behavior. When you are acting from a root of bitterness, you are making a conscientious effort to return hurt for hurt through your actions.

The antidote to bitterness

What is the antidote to bitterness? How to you go from bitter to better? You must acknowledge the hurt; release the bitterness; extend or request forgiveness; and love.

Acknowledge hurt. The first step to going from bitter to better is to knowledge the hurt caused by another to yourself and to the offender. Face the hurt head on. First, assess your feelings. Seek to understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling toward the other person. Approach the offender calmly and tactfully. Share your feelings and ask pointed questions. Get clarity on actions, motives, and intentions.

Release the bitterness. A good way to release bitterness is to stop blaming the other person for hurting you – even if they intentionally hurt you. When you place blame, you make the other person responsible for your feelings. Take ownership of your own feelings. You are the only one who can truly control them. Stop going on a fact-finding expedition to continue to build a case against the other person. As long as you find fault you will place blame and hold onto bitterness. Really examine a person’s motives and your own expectations. Misinterpreted motives and intentions or unmet or unreasonable expectations can lead to bitterness and resentment. Unless otherwise established, assume that the other person has good motives and intentions. If you have accurately determined that a person does not have good motives or intentions, stop playing the tape of the pain they caused over and over in your mind. Decide that you are going to let it go and move on for peace of mind. As long as you hold on to bitterness, you will not have peace or joy.

Extend or request forgiveness. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” If you have discovered that your bitterness really has no basis, ask the now non-offender for forgiveness for the hurt that you have extended toward him or her based of his or her perceived hurt of you. If someone has genuinely hurt you, release the bitterness, anger, and resentment toward them, and actually forgive them. Keep in mind that an apology is not needed to extend forgiveness. Release the other person from the debt you feel they owe you from the pain they have caused you. Extend grace and compassion toward the other person, and open your heart to forgive them or ask for forgiveness. Remember, bitterness destroys relationships. Forgiveness restores relationships.

Love. The ultimate antidote to bitterness is love. A quote from early 20th century American clergyman, Harry Fosdick, says, “Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sours life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eye.” Choose love over an imprisoned, paralyzed, powerless, sour, blinded life. Acknowledge your hurt; release your bitterness; extend or request forgiveness; and walk in love. Cut bitterness off at its root!

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

   

Roadblocks

      

Talk about roadblocks - it only took me five weeks to complete this weekly blog. For some reason, I have been suffering from writer's block. (I am sure all of my fellow writers know the feeling!) Thankfully, I was able to move beyond my "writer's block" roadblock to finally complete this blog. Now, I have plenty of writing to do to catch up. But thankfully, I have a few weeks worth of topics from which to choose.

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do to progress, take the next step (or even the first step), move to the next level, or succeed, you hit a roadblock every time? Have you ever experienced nothing (I mean, nothing) ever working out for you? Have you thought to yourself, "What am I doing wrong?" or "Why isn't this working?"

We all have felt this way to varying degrees in some particular area at some point in time. Life is not without its challenges for any of us. We all encounter roadblocks. A roadblock is designed to temporarily control or block traffic along a road. Reasons for roadblocks include roadwork (due to construction, road conditions, flooding, or obstructions), temporary road closures during special events, police related activity (such as police chases and sobriety checkpoints), and military related activity (such as barricades). Likewise, in our lives, roadblocks are God’s way of protecting or shielding us from danger and enemy attacks; or preventing us from embarking on a path to unrelated, irrelevant, or unproductive activities or endeavors.

If you have tried all you can do to get ahead, and you feel like nothing that you are trying is working or you are asking yourself questions similar to the ones above, there is one of two things going on: (1) You are going down the wrong path or (2) your faith is being tested. If you are in category #1, and you are going down the wrong path, consider these points to get you headed in the right direction:

1. Stop spinning your wheels. When a vehicle is stuck in snow or mud, many will press the accelerator in an attempt to move forward out of the snow or mud. However, instead of the desired forward motion, the wheels on the vehicle tend to spin, leaving the vehicle stuck in the same position. Generally, spinning the wheels makes the situation worse not better, as the tires go deeper into the snow or mud. Meanwhile, damage is also potentially being done to the vehicle itself.

When you spin your wheels, you keep pressing the gas with the hope of the vehicle eventually moving forward out of its stuck position. This is definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting. In the case of spinning your wheels, you keep pressing the accelerator in hopes of the car moving forward, but the car remains in its stuck state. Usually, you have to use some other method to get the car moving forward, which may or may not involve pressing the accelerator at all.

In some cases, had you not chosen that route or road, you would have never gotten stuck in the snow or mud in the first place. Hitting roadblocks does not necessarily mean that you are totally on the wrong path regarding the greater purpose or vision, but you can certainly be approaching the right vision, dream, or endeavor the wrong way. Whether you are totally on the wrong path or you are just taking the wrong approach to the right endeavor, you will never make progress if you keep trying to tackle it in the same ineffective way while expecting the outcome to be any different.

In order to stop spinning your wheels, take the following steps:

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  Step 1: Stop! Apply the brakes not the accelerator. It is futile to continue to try to move forward if your wheels are spinning. Stop what you have been doing. It is not working. Do not continue to waste your time, resources, and energy on something unfruitful, unproductive, and ineffective. If you stop doing what you've been doing, you'll stop getting what you've been getting. Wise up. Stop and redirect your efforts for different results.

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   Step 2: Shift gears. In order to stop spinning your wheels, a shift in gears might be required. It might be necessary to put your vehicle in neutral to get pushed out of your stuck state. You might have to put your vehicle in reverse in order to change directions. Putting your car in a lower gear might be needed to shift the vehicle in just the right way to move the car out of the snow or mud. In your personal life, it might be necessary to slow down in order to access why your wheels are spinning. It might be necessary to do a gear shift to change directions and take a different approach in order to get different results.

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  Step 3: Remove obstacles. Many times when a vehicle is stuck in the snow or mud, there are obstacles preventing the counter movement needed to stop your wheels from spinning. There might be a chunk of ice or snow. There might be something behind the vehicle that is preventing you from going in reverse. In order to stop spinning your wheels and make forward movement, you must eliminate as many obstructions as possible. Likewise, in your personal life, obstacles like negativity, pessimism, lack of motivation, lack of creativity, and close-mindedness might prevent forward movement.

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  Step 4: Increase traction. Progress can only be made if there is traction. Traction is the adhesive friction between a moving object and the surface on which it is moving. Spinning your wheels reduces traction and can cause you to slide off the road. The interesting thing about traction is that the rougher surface area, the better the traction. Increasing traction means digging in your heels, and doing the work necessary to propel you forward and to stop your wheels from spinning. Gaining traction is not usually easy to do. It takes hard work, effort, and creativity. 

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  Step 5: Use handy tools. When you are stuck in the snow or mud, you use all the resources at your disposal. You use tools to which you might have ready access, like a shovel, salt, sand, gravel, kitty litter, or tire chains. Likewise, when you are spinning your wheels in your personal life, use resources at hand to move forward from your stuck state. Put on your thinking cap. Your own mind can be one of your greatest resources when used optimally and effectively. The issue usually is that we can limit ourselves with narrow-mindedness, pessimism, doubt, defeatism, and lack of vision or creativity. Replace your "stinking thinking" with positivity and optimism to get better results. Think outside of the box and out from the snow or mud onto to right path. Think of new ways to resolve old problems and issues. Seek wise others, who can also be wonderful resources to assist you in forward movement. Brainstorm with others and bounce your ideas off them. Seek wise, godly counsel from the appropriate persons. Seek examples of how others were able to stop spinning their wheels, to shift gears, and change directions. 

2. Determine the right path. If you want to avoid spinning your wheels altogether, determine that the path that you are about to take is the right one before taking the first step. This requires forethought, planning, and prayer. Even if you have previously spun your wheels and determine it is because you have ventured down the wrong path, do not despair. All is not lost. Shift gears, change directions, and get on the right path. You will know that you are on the right path when you have peace that you are doing the right thing; you have clarity in vision and purpose; and you have confirmation through prayer and circumstances. Notice that I did not say it would be easy. Just because the path is the right one to take does not mean it will be without its challenges. Every testimony involves a test. Our purpose is usually tied to our pain. Our ministry is usually tied to our misery. The right path might be lined with much discomfort and difficulty, but it all is tied to your God-given purpose of calling. Stay prayerful, vigilant, and focused to determine the path that you should follow.

3. Take a detour. What should you do if you have determined that the path that you are on is the right one, and you need to continue moving forward despite the roadblock? Do as you would if you discovered that your usual route from work to home has been blocked because of construction or an accident and you take another way home. Take a detour with your dream, vision, or plan. Do not let the roadblock be a deterrent in reaching the end goal. Do whatever it takes to go around the roadblock. This certainly requires knowing that you are on the right path in the first place. Roadblocks exist for a reason. They are designed to protect you or something else from danger and/or to re-route your path. If you are faced with a roadblock and you know that you are on the right path, do not be discouraged. Simply take a detour (try a different approach – a new route), but seek God and stay focused on your end destination. God will never steer you wrong.

If you have determined that you are going down the right path to the correct destination, and you never seem to reach your goal, you likely fall into category #2. Your faith is being tested. God is testing your trust level in Him. Do you really believe that the vision, plans, and purposes that He placed in you will be realized? If your faith is being tested, I have one piece of advice for you: Don’t give up! In order to walk in faith, you must not give up. You must hold the course and continue to hope. Hope anchors faith. And faith is believing something that you cannot see or experience yet will actually happen. Just because something has not happened yet does not mean it won't. I like to say, "Every delay is not a denial, and some denials are just delays." The reality is, you can stand in faith for something your entire life, and it can still not happen, but it will only happen through faith. This is where trust in God in so important, and seeking His will for your life. God can allow anything to happen, but He only does allow those things to happen that will ultimately benefit you. God even allows bad experiences to happen to strengthen your faith and facilitate spiritual growth. Don't let the bad experiences deter your standing in faith for what God has promised, but be prayerful that you are on the right path in the first place. If you are certain that you are on the right path, but you are encountering continual roadblocks, DON’T GIVE UP! Continue to stand firm in your faith in knowing that what God has shown you and promised you will materialize!

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

      

Expectations

    

Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.

-Charlotte Bronte

An expectation is a standard of conduct or performance expected by or of someone. We all have expectations of self and others. We have expectations that our spouses, children, parents, friends, co-workers, politicians, and neighbors will act in a certain way based on agreements, contracts, rules, guidelines, laws, and even imagination, desires, and needs. The problem with having expectations of others, especially as it relates to meeting a need of our own, is that we are always subject to disappointment when the expectations are not met. And expectations of others, as they relate to ourselves and our needs and desires, are rarely met the way that we want them met. Expectations always fall short in some way, as we are never satisfied.

Having expectations of another is a way of demanding them to act in a certain way based on your relationship with them. Having expectations is also a way of controlling relationships. When you have expectations, you are trying to control behavior to get desired results. The issue with that is the person who is endeavoring to meet your expectations, knowingly or unknowingly, seldom does so 100%, and you always have more expectations. Expectations birth expectations and lead to perpetual dissatisfaction, because there is never an end to the expectations. Samuel Johnson, English author, said, “We love to expect, and when expectation is either disappointed or gratified, we want to be again expecting. “ Having expectations of others can be a vicious cycle. When we have expectations of another, especially unreasonable and unexpressed expectations, we expect others to read our minds, and know our desired future or expected outcome or result. We create self-induced disappointment and undue stress and strain on relationships.

This does not mean we should have no expectations whatsoever. Should we expect our children to do well in school? Spouses to uphold their wedding vows? Neighbors to observe the HOA rules? Co-workers to fulfill their job responsibilities? Yes! What it doesn’t mean is that we seek to control behavior through our expectations of others. It does not mean that we expect others to meet needs and desires that only God can. It does not mean we hold others to some unreasonable standards and behavior based on our desires, needs, and concepts of how the relationships should be.

In relationships, especially romantic ones, we expect another person to supply us with security, joy, peace, and a sense of fulfillment, completeness, purpose, and significance. We seek in our partners, family, friends, and others what we should seek from God. We become disappointed when these others do not meet our expectations, and we become angry with them for not meeting out needs. We might even become angry with God when others do not meet our expectations, when we should have gone to God in the first place. Psalm 62:5 says, “My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him.” When we expect others to meet needs that only God truly can, we are putting others in place of God in our lives. We have to have a shift in the way we approach our expectations of others. We have to have reasonable expectations of others and present our personal expectations to the Lord.

When we present our personal expectations to the Lord, we are certainly not demanding anything from Him or seeking to control the relationship. We are saying to the Lord, “I trust you for the outcome.” When we present our personal expectations to the Lord, we have an attitude of expectancy, where we hope and wait on Him to meet our needs and desires. Expectancy is the probability or strength of belief that a particular action will lead to a particular first level outcome. Expectancy is excited awareness that something is about to happen. God says, He will supply all of your need and He will give you the desires of your heart. Walk in expectancy that this is true. We have to shift our unreasonable expectations of others to realistic hope in a faithful, loving God. God will withhold nothing good from you, so seek Him for what you want and need. Expect Him to fulfill your desires in the least expected, most satisfying way that will exceed your expectations. Put your trust in Him, and present your personal expectations to Him. Wait on the Lord. He will never disappoint you!

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

      

Exhale

  

In the 90’s, there was movie starring Whitney Houston, Angela Bassett, and others, called “Waiting to Exhale”, which centered around the lives of four female friends, who were all "holding their breath" until the day they could feel comfortable in a committed relationship with a man. Many ladies have identified with this movie, because they too, are waiting with baited breath to find the one with whom they can exhale and enjoy a life-long, committed relationship.

In the African American community, there are many, single-never-been-married, ladies over 35 – dare I say, over 40 or even 50 or 60. A 2005 U.S. Census Bureau study shows that 70% of Black women are unmarried, 42.3% percent have never been married, and 34% have never married by age 40. Many ladies have been waiting to exhale for decades, still hoping for Mr. Right, The One, or their Knight in Shining Armor. Many ladies are filled with hopelessness, loneliness, despair, and desperation as their biological clocks tick away and the years just seem to fly by, and they are still unmarried.

I recently read an article, “52-Week Husband Challenge Lady Is (Surprise!) Still Single”, which highlighted a woman’s one-year quest to find a husband. The article stated that this woman “spent all of 2009 searching for love and not finding it.” The woman’s Web site, “52 Weeks 2 Find Him”, was a social experiment that focused on the challenges in her journey to find a husband. At the onset of her project, she decided that if she had not found her life partner in a year, she would take a full year off from pursuing relationships. At the end of 2009, this single, never-been-married, 43 year old, Christian woman, still had not met “the one”. She has decided to break from the dating scene, but remains hopeful that love will come.

I am writing to all of the single ladies out there (“put your hands up”). Don’t despair. Despite the statistics, the long wait, the endless, fruitless dates, or your age or stage in life, there is hope. You can exhale (now). Single men, before you tune out, wait, there is something here for you as well. To single ladies and to single men, there are ways to close this great divide and get everyone hooked up.

First, to the single ladies, here is some advice on what to do until love finds you:

Breathe now. Although you desire a mate, please don’t hold your breath, sitting around waiting to exhale. Please do not put your life on hold or not do things that you want to do just because you do not have a man with whom to do them. Please, breathe now. Enjoy being and doing you. Enjoy your family and your friends. Do outings, events, and trips with other single ladies – the couples’ stuff will come. I know you might be tired of hearing it, but you must be complete and content before you are truly ready for a relationship. Love can come in the most unexpected ways and at the most unexpected times, usually when you are unaware or not vigilant. I think there is merit in the saying, “Love comes when you least expect it.” So ladies, stop trying to force it or make it happen. And please, don’t stop living and breathing because it hasn’t come. Exhale and enjoy life now. Come on, breathe in. Breathe out.

Think outside of the box. I know we all have our “types”, but when it comes to meeting a nice guy, you don’t have to lower your standards to choose someone atypical of your type. Usually, our types are more physical in nature (i.e., a certain height, weight, build, complexion, hair color, etc.). You just might miss your blessing by being more focused on physical traits than intrinsic values. Yes, we should be attracted to our mate, but does he really have to look like Denzel, Lamar, Hill, Shemar, or Morris? Does he have to be chiseled? Can he “just” be a healthy eater? Does he have to be exactly 6’2”? Will six feet do, especially if he is a kind gentleman? Does he have to be that young? That old? That chocolate? I challenge you, ladies, go younger, older, lighter, darker, bigger, smaller, shorter, or taller. Look at his heart. His values, traits, personality, and actions are what are really important. If he treats you well and has similar values, you’ll be amazed at how much more attractive he becomes as you get to know him. Even if you start off with a Denzel, if he’s a mean Denzel, he soon begins to look less attractive. Care less about looks and more about the person inside, and you will move one step closer to the man for you.

Be approachable. Now that you are thinking outside of the box, be open to meeting different men. Be open and approachable. Have an inviting, appealing look. Lose the scowl when you see men approaching. Say hello often and smile frequently. Men will not approach you if they have the slightest hint that they might be rejected. Body language is key. Be amenable to having a conversation. Nix the one word answers and coy remarks. Being a smart-butt is not cute. Be kind and friendly. Just because you have a conversation with a man does not mean you have to date or marry the man. Get into the practice of being open and inviting to different men (single men) that you meet, because one of those could be “the one”.

Pamper and primp. Glam it up. Go to the salon. Get a mani-pedi. Buy a cute dress and some stylish pumps. Get a MAC makeover. Get out of those jeans and sweats for a change. Nix the warm up suit and sneakers for a little black dress and stilettos every now and then. I know it’s easy to just “throw on something” to run to the grocery store or Wal-Mart, but put a little more effort into your appearance for “quick trips”. Instead of bummy stretch pants and a huge t-shirt with a scarf or cap, try nice jeans with a cute top and cute shoes for those last minute errands. The bottom line here is, always be cute and presentable. Do this for yourself. You’ll feel great, and trust me, “he” will notice, whoever “he” is. Ladies, we have to feel good and look good for ourselves first and foremost. If you look good and feel good about yourself, others will notice, including gentlemen admirers.

Make yourself available. Ladies, I know you all have lives. You’re busy with work, church, sorority, community, children’s activities, working out, planning meals, cleaning the house, and running errands. You already don’t have enough hours in the day. When that special man comes along, you have to make time for him in order to cultivate the relationship. Don’t lose yourself in him or disregard personal commitments for him, but do find time for quality time with him. You must strike a balance between letting your relationship consume you and your time and never having any time for the relationship. You have waited this long, you don’t want to lose out on a good man because you are not available. It is true that we make time for what’s important to us, so make the necessary adjustments to your schedule to make yourself available to develop a relationship with that special man.

Lose the attitude and the baggage. There is nothing more unattractive than a woman with a bad attitude or a chip on her shoulder, especially as it relates to men. Many ladies have had bad experiences in past relationships with men, which has marred them and that affects the way they relate to men. They are guarded and resentful. They blame every future man for the wrongs of the past men. Some hurts go back to childhood and their relationships with their fathers. Some have residual pain from former boyfriends, fiancés, or husbands, who lied, cheated, beat, belittled, neglected, deceived, or defrauded them. Many ladies wear this pain as a badge, and see it as a right to hold on to the baggage and administer a bad attitude to all subsequent men. Ladies, this will not work. FYI, this is a turn-off to men. Please don’t let your current man pay for the mistakes of your past men. Process through those past, painful experiences, so that your past baggage will not impact your present or future relationships. It is wise to guard your heart, so that you will not experience the same kind of hurt and pain from the past. But do not harden your heart, because that comes through in your attitude. Soften your heart and open yourself up to new possibilities. Lose the attitude and check the baggage at the door.

Be less independent. I know that we ladies are all “superwomen”. We can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. We can mow the lawn, paint the house, and change a tire. We are so capable – mainly because we’ve had to be for so long. Doing it all by ourselves for ourselves, make us incredibly independent. We have the mindset, “I don’t need a man for this. I don’t need a man for that.” Between you and me, doing it all by yourself, capable or not, is just exhausting! Please let the man be the man. Letting the man be the man does not mean being a helpless doormat or wimp. It means allowing the man to be the protector and provider, what he was wired to be. Letting the man be the man frees you up to be the woman that God designed you to be. Be less of a superwoman and more of a woman of strength. Give your man the opportunity to exhibit his manhood in the relationship. Don’t rebel, argue, or give pushback. Just let him do it. Let the man be the man. Be the woman that God created you to be.

Now, some advice to the single men:

Please approach us. We like you to initiate. It makes us feel special. I have already advised the ladies to be open and approachable. Now, it’s your turn to do the approaching. If you see a nice, approachable, single lady, go to her and strike up a conversation. Seize the opportunity in the grocery store, the bookstore, at the gas pump, in a restaurant, at a crosswalk, on the subway, in church (yes, church), at a wedding, or (heck) at a funeral. The point is, let no opportunity pass you by to connect to the lady that might just be “the one”. I know both men and women are not too keen on rejection, but honor the woman in us, and be the man, and initiate the interaction. More times than not, ladies will be open, receptive, and thankful that you did.

Be in hot pursuit. Now, men, once you have initiated contact, and have exchanged contact information with a lady, please pursue her. Initiate the first call and the first date. Continue to call her. Do not wait on her to call or expect her to do the calling. Ladies like to be pursued. This is a part of letting you be the man. Obviously, if you call and pursue, and never get a favorable response, she is not interested. But if a woman is interested in you, she wants you to pursue her, and she will in turn, respond favorably to you. So, guys, once you connect with a woman that you really like, and with whom you would like to develop a relationship, please be in hot pursuit of her. Trust me, you both will be glad that you did.

Stop juggling. Okay, single men, I know that there are a lot of single ladies from which to choose. But please, stop juggling multiple women, and focus on one woman at a time. It really does everyone a disservice when men seriously date multiple women simultaneously. If you are in the early stages of dating different women, be honest about that. Once you get more serious about one over the others, please stop dating the others and focus on the one about whom you are most serious. Inform the others that you would like to explore a serious relationship with someone else. Because it is still early in the dating phase, the blow will be softened for the ones that you do not choose. If you wait, and juggle all of the women, emotions are deepening and severing the relationships will be more painful. I think a woman would trade heartache for disappointment any day. So, single men, please stop juggling. Be open and honest about your feelings. Don’t string multiple women along. And when the time comes, focus your time and attention on that one special lady. She could be “the one”.

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

   

The Dash

  

I recently attended my cousin's funeral. He died after having a heart attack from shoveling snow. As we walked to his gravesite for his interment, I noted the many tombstones, all with date of birth through date of death. The "through" was represented by a dash (e.g., 1929 - 2004). With the inscriptions on many persons’ tombstones limited to name and dates of birth and death, it would seem that the lives they lived were reduced to a mere hyphen, the dash. In those graves, there was no evidence of the lives they lived, the people they impacted, or the goals they achieved. I commented to my cousin, with whom I rode to the interment, that "the dash", the way their lives were lived, is what really mattered. In order for us to have a meaningful life, we must learn to live life to its fullest; love God, self, and others; laugh and have fun; and lift and encourage others.

LIVE. Live life it its fullest. Make the most of each day. Live a purpose-driven life, and do activities related to your purpose daily. Set SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound), and be accountable and motivated as you work to accomplish them. Develop a “bucket list” of things that you want to do and see before you die, and actually do them. Spend time doing meaningful things with meaningful people. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Focus on the significant and important factors. Release anger. Don’t hold grudges. Build bridges, don’t burn them. Forgive yourself and others. Move on beyond past hurts, pains, and disappointments. Take time to “smell the roses”, and appreciate the beauty in things around you. Look for the blessing in everything, because there is one. Be thankful for waking up, and find ways to enjoy each day, no matter how big or small. Do plan for tomorrow, but live each day as if it is your last, with no regrets. When you live life to its fullest and make the most of each day, you live a meaningful life.

LOVE. God created us out love of love to live a life in love. A life without love is not really a life worth living. Living a meaningful life means loving God, self, and others through our actions. Love is being kind and affectionate toward others. Love means being more other-centered and less self-centered. But you must love yourself first before you can love anyone else, including God. When you open yourself up to God’s love, you can love others more easily. You can acquire wealth, status, and materials good, and do kind deeds and give to charity, but not love or have love and live a very meaningless life. The Bible tells us to pursue love (1 Corinthians 14:1). However, the only real way to pursue love is to give love yourself. Love leads to love and comes from love. Living a meaningful life means seeking opportunities to demonstrate love to others. Loving others is showing patience when you have little tolerance left. Loving others is celebrating with them even when you have nothing of your own to celebrate. Loving others is sacrificing time and energy for their interests and endeavors, even with the hope of nothing in return. Loving others is forgiving the unforgivable. Love is always fruitful. Living a life full of loving God, self, and others will always lead to a meaningful life.

LAUGH. Laughter is medicine for your soul. Laughter is cathartic. It helps to release emotional tension, anxiety, and stress. Laughter makes your heart light and takes the focus off of your issues and problems. Laughter can distract you from anger, guilt, stress, and negative emotions. Seek and create opportunities to laugh and have fun. Don’t always take yourself or the situation so seriously. Have a laugh at your own expense. Sometimes, it’s worth it. In sad times, find the humor to help lift your mood. In angry times, call a funny friend or watch a comedy to help diffuse your temper. Laughter can help get you through some heavy times. It probably takes just as much energy to laugh as it does to cry. Imagine if you could go through life with a light, merry heart instead of a dark, heavy heart, how much more meaningful life would be. There is nothing like a sense of despair to zap the meaning out of something. However, in the Bible, James tells us to “count it all joy” even during trials, because it’s a test of our faith (James 1:2). So laugh and rejoice more, cry and despair less, and live a more meaningful life full of joy and strong in faith.

LIFT. Living a worthwhile life means encouraging and helping others. Seek and take advantage of opportunities to assist others. When someone seems despondent or depressed, provide a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, and words of encouragement. Do things to help improve the lives of others. When you see someone struggling or in need in the community, in your family, at your job, or in your church, make an assessment (either by observation or conversation) of what they need and how you can help, and do just that, help. There are so many ways to motivate, encourage, and help others – big and small. Help with your time, talent, money, or other resources, in whatever way you can. Help a single mother, a wayward teen, an elderly person, a widow, or a challenged student. A little help or encouragement goes a long way in the lives of others who are in need. Reach out to others in some significant way to help enhance their lives, and you will live a more meaningful life.

Live, love, laugh, and lift your way to a more meaningful life, and make your “dash” matter!

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

  

Just Do It

   

“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” (Henry Ford)

Nike, Inc, has a slogan with which we are all familiar: "Just Do It”. The slogan reflects a “can-do” attitude, which has been the underlying theme in Nike’s advertisements since the inception of the slogan in the 1980’s. “Just Do It” speaks to tenacity, perseverance, and determination. If you put your mind to something, you can do it!

Faced with the newness of another year, we like to make goals, plans, and resolutions, many of which are carry-overs from the previous year or before. What have you had on the back burner or your to-do list that you still did not get done in the past year? I challenge you today: "Just do it!" Remove the barriers, limitations, excuses, and doubt, and JUST DO IT! Be specific and intentional. Set goals. Take the first step. Ditch perfectionism. Transcend handicaps. JUST DO IT!

Be specific and intentional. Many people have New Year's resolutions, promises to themselves to do something in the new year. Your resolution might be something like: "Lose weight", "Stop smoking", "Be more patient", "Make a difference in the lives of others", or "Get closer to God". Resolutions are usually more general in nature and open-ended. There is typically no accountability with resolutions. Typically, with resolutions, you are not specific and intentional when determining or defining them. When you are vague and undeliberate, you can set yourself up for failure from the beginning. How many have resolved to lose weight or exercise for the new year, and by January 22, your excitement or motivation to so has fizzled out? Be specific. Instead of saying, “Lose weight”, say “Lose five pounds per month” or “Go from a size 20 to a size 14 in 12 months”. Instead of “Exercise more”, say “Do cardio twice a week for 30 minutes” or “Do circuit training three times a week for 45 minutes”. Be intentional. Set alarms; wake up earlier; journal; keep a day planner; have an accountability partner; create a vision board; make lists; keep your end goal in mind.

Set goals. Setting goals helps in being specific and intentional. An intention only becomes a goal when you activate a plan to achieve it. Goals are finite in nature, not open-ended. Goal-setting involves establishing specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-targeted objectives. Ask yourself what you want to accomplish this year. Keep a goals journal. List your overall goals. Develop actionable, specific steps that you can do to reach your goals. Determine, visualize, and record how you will know when your goals are met ("As measured by"). Record your milestones as you take steps toward your goals. Review your progress throughout the year to ensure that you are staying on track. When you set clear and attainable goals, it is easier to stay focused and actually accomplish what you plan to do. Set “SMART” goals. Use this acronym to guide you: S-Specific, M-Measurable, A-Attainable, R-Relevant, T-Time-bound.

Take the first step. There is a saying, “The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.” Any task gets easier once you’ve started it, but you have to take the first bite, I mean, step. Long-term goals depend on a series of short term goals in order to achieve them. Pace yourself. Don’t expect instant results. But do get the ball rolling. Celebrate small successes along the way to the big, end-goal. Always be in forward motion toward your goal.

Ditch perfectionism. Perfectionism leads to procrastination. If you have to have every "I" dotted and every "T" crossed before starting a goal, then you might never get it down. Do your best, but do not worry about getting it 100% accurate out of the gate. You can make modifications and tweaks along the way. (Of course, I am speaking directly to myself here, as an unreformed perfectionist.) Perfectionism can motivate you to persevere in the face of discouragement and obstacles. However, the very thing that motivates you (i.e., getting things done right), can also bog you down and impede your progress, because the focus is on getting it perfect instead of getting it done. To counter perfectionism, strike a balance between being without errors, flaws, and faults, and actually accomplishing your goals in a timely manner. Setting goals, having timelines, and sticking to a schedule can all help in pushing a perfectionist along to his or her goal. Also, be more forgiving of mistakes, and release the fear of failure or not getting things exactly right. Don’t’ be paralyzed by mistakes and failures. Use them as lessons and stepping stones to continue toward your end-goals.

Transcend handicaps. Don't be defined by your handicaps. Be defined by your abilities. Handicaps are not only physical and mental limitations. They are also emotional, economic, intellectual, and social limitations. We all have handicaps. A handicap is something that is a real or perceived hindrance or disadvantage. If we allow our handicaps to dictate our lives, we would rarely accomplish anything. In any given sphere or realm, you will have strengths and weakness, even if you are the best of the best in some areas. Many focus on their weaknesses, where they fall short, and where they have little skills, abilities, intellect, or talent. Successful people focus on their strengths. They think in terms of what they can do, not what they cannot do. When you define yourself by your abilities instead of by your handicaps, you focus on how you can accomplish something despite your handicaps. Your creativity kicks in. You think of new, innovative, resourceful ways of doing things. This might involve soliciting the help of others who are strong where you are weak. It may involve using some form of technology or a device to assist you. It may involve using reference materials, an external knowledgebase, or hired help. Whatever it takes to accomplish your goals, you do it, despite your handicaps. Your handicaps should be motivators, not deterrents, to accomplishing your goals. Nix doubts, excuses, and limitations, and JUST DO IT!

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach