Exhale

  

In the 90’s, there was movie starring Whitney Houston, Angela Bassett, and others, called “Waiting to Exhale”, which centered around the lives of four female friends, who were all "holding their breath" until the day they could feel comfortable in a committed relationship with a man. Many ladies have identified with this movie, because they too, are waiting with baited breath to find the one with whom they can exhale and enjoy a life-long, committed relationship.

In the African American community, there are many, single-never-been-married, ladies over 35 – dare I say, over 40 or even 50 or 60. A 2005 U.S. Census Bureau study shows that 70% of Black women are unmarried, 42.3% percent have never been married, and 34% have never married by age 40. Many ladies have been waiting to exhale for decades, still hoping for Mr. Right, The One, or their Knight in Shining Armor. Many ladies are filled with hopelessness, loneliness, despair, and desperation as their biological clocks tick away and the years just seem to fly by, and they are still unmarried.

I recently read an article, “52-Week Husband Challenge Lady Is (Surprise!) Still Single”, which highlighted a woman’s one-year quest to find a husband. The article stated that this woman “spent all of 2009 searching for love and not finding it.” The woman’s Web site, “52 Weeks 2 Find Him”, was a social experiment that focused on the challenges in her journey to find a husband. At the onset of her project, she decided that if she had not found her life partner in a year, she would take a full year off from pursuing relationships. At the end of 2009, this single, never-been-married, 43 year old, Christian woman, still had not met “the one”. She has decided to break from the dating scene, but remains hopeful that love will come.

I am writing to all of the single ladies out there (“put your hands up”). Don’t despair. Despite the statistics, the long wait, the endless, fruitless dates, or your age or stage in life, there is hope. You can exhale (now). Single men, before you tune out, wait, there is something here for you as well. To single ladies and to single men, there are ways to close this great divide and get everyone hooked up.

First, to the single ladies, here is some advice on what to do until love finds you:

Breathe now. Although you desire a mate, please don’t hold your breath, sitting around waiting to exhale. Please do not put your life on hold or not do things that you want to do just because you do not have a man with whom to do them. Please, breathe now. Enjoy being and doing you. Enjoy your family and your friends. Do outings, events, and trips with other single ladies – the couples’ stuff will come. I know you might be tired of hearing it, but you must be complete and content before you are truly ready for a relationship. Love can come in the most unexpected ways and at the most unexpected times, usually when you are unaware or not vigilant. I think there is merit in the saying, “Love comes when you least expect it.” So ladies, stop trying to force it or make it happen. And please, don’t stop living and breathing because it hasn’t come. Exhale and enjoy life now. Come on, breathe in. Breathe out.

Think outside of the box. I know we all have our “types”, but when it comes to meeting a nice guy, you don’t have to lower your standards to choose someone atypical of your type. Usually, our types are more physical in nature (i.e., a certain height, weight, build, complexion, hair color, etc.). You just might miss your blessing by being more focused on physical traits than intrinsic values. Yes, we should be attracted to our mate, but does he really have to look like Denzel, Lamar, Hill, Shemar, or Morris? Does he have to be chiseled? Can he “just” be a healthy eater? Does he have to be exactly 6’2”? Will six feet do, especially if he is a kind gentleman? Does he have to be that young? That old? That chocolate? I challenge you, ladies, go younger, older, lighter, darker, bigger, smaller, shorter, or taller. Look at his heart. His values, traits, personality, and actions are what are really important. If he treats you well and has similar values, you’ll be amazed at how much more attractive he becomes as you get to know him. Even if you start off with a Denzel, if he’s a mean Denzel, he soon begins to look less attractive. Care less about looks and more about the person inside, and you will move one step closer to the man for you.

Be approachable. Now that you are thinking outside of the box, be open to meeting different men. Be open and approachable. Have an inviting, appealing look. Lose the scowl when you see men approaching. Say hello often and smile frequently. Men will not approach you if they have the slightest hint that they might be rejected. Body language is key. Be amenable to having a conversation. Nix the one word answers and coy remarks. Being a smart-butt is not cute. Be kind and friendly. Just because you have a conversation with a man does not mean you have to date or marry the man. Get into the practice of being open and inviting to different men (single men) that you meet, because one of those could be “the one”.

Pamper and primp. Glam it up. Go to the salon. Get a mani-pedi. Buy a cute dress and some stylish pumps. Get a MAC makeover. Get out of those jeans and sweats for a change. Nix the warm up suit and sneakers for a little black dress and stilettos every now and then. I know it’s easy to just “throw on something” to run to the grocery store or Wal-Mart, but put a little more effort into your appearance for “quick trips”. Instead of bummy stretch pants and a huge t-shirt with a scarf or cap, try nice jeans with a cute top and cute shoes for those last minute errands. The bottom line here is, always be cute and presentable. Do this for yourself. You’ll feel great, and trust me, “he” will notice, whoever “he” is. Ladies, we have to feel good and look good for ourselves first and foremost. If you look good and feel good about yourself, others will notice, including gentlemen admirers.

Make yourself available. Ladies, I know you all have lives. You’re busy with work, church, sorority, community, children’s activities, working out, planning meals, cleaning the house, and running errands. You already don’t have enough hours in the day. When that special man comes along, you have to make time for him in order to cultivate the relationship. Don’t lose yourself in him or disregard personal commitments for him, but do find time for quality time with him. You must strike a balance between letting your relationship consume you and your time and never having any time for the relationship. You have waited this long, you don’t want to lose out on a good man because you are not available. It is true that we make time for what’s important to us, so make the necessary adjustments to your schedule to make yourself available to develop a relationship with that special man.

Lose the attitude and the baggage. There is nothing more unattractive than a woman with a bad attitude or a chip on her shoulder, especially as it relates to men. Many ladies have had bad experiences in past relationships with men, which has marred them and that affects the way they relate to men. They are guarded and resentful. They blame every future man for the wrongs of the past men. Some hurts go back to childhood and their relationships with their fathers. Some have residual pain from former boyfriends, fiancés, or husbands, who lied, cheated, beat, belittled, neglected, deceived, or defrauded them. Many ladies wear this pain as a badge, and see it as a right to hold on to the baggage and administer a bad attitude to all subsequent men. Ladies, this will not work. FYI, this is a turn-off to men. Please don’t let your current man pay for the mistakes of your past men. Process through those past, painful experiences, so that your past baggage will not impact your present or future relationships. It is wise to guard your heart, so that you will not experience the same kind of hurt and pain from the past. But do not harden your heart, because that comes through in your attitude. Soften your heart and open yourself up to new possibilities. Lose the attitude and check the baggage at the door.

Be less independent. I know that we ladies are all “superwomen”. We can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. We can mow the lawn, paint the house, and change a tire. We are so capable – mainly because we’ve had to be for so long. Doing it all by ourselves for ourselves, make us incredibly independent. We have the mindset, “I don’t need a man for this. I don’t need a man for that.” Between you and me, doing it all by yourself, capable or not, is just exhausting! Please let the man be the man. Letting the man be the man does not mean being a helpless doormat or wimp. It means allowing the man to be the protector and provider, what he was wired to be. Letting the man be the man frees you up to be the woman that God designed you to be. Be less of a superwoman and more of a woman of strength. Give your man the opportunity to exhibit his manhood in the relationship. Don’t rebel, argue, or give pushback. Just let him do it. Let the man be the man. Be the woman that God created you to be.

Now, some advice to the single men:

Please approach us. We like you to initiate. It makes us feel special. I have already advised the ladies to be open and approachable. Now, it’s your turn to do the approaching. If you see a nice, approachable, single lady, go to her and strike up a conversation. Seize the opportunity in the grocery store, the bookstore, at the gas pump, in a restaurant, at a crosswalk, on the subway, in church (yes, church), at a wedding, or (heck) at a funeral. The point is, let no opportunity pass you by to connect to the lady that might just be “the one”. I know both men and women are not too keen on rejection, but honor the woman in us, and be the man, and initiate the interaction. More times than not, ladies will be open, receptive, and thankful that you did.

Be in hot pursuit. Now, men, once you have initiated contact, and have exchanged contact information with a lady, please pursue her. Initiate the first call and the first date. Continue to call her. Do not wait on her to call or expect her to do the calling. Ladies like to be pursued. This is a part of letting you be the man. Obviously, if you call and pursue, and never get a favorable response, she is not interested. But if a woman is interested in you, she wants you to pursue her, and she will in turn, respond favorably to you. So, guys, once you connect with a woman that you really like, and with whom you would like to develop a relationship, please be in hot pursuit of her. Trust me, you both will be glad that you did.

Stop juggling. Okay, single men, I know that there are a lot of single ladies from which to choose. But please, stop juggling multiple women, and focus on one woman at a time. It really does everyone a disservice when men seriously date multiple women simultaneously. If you are in the early stages of dating different women, be honest about that. Once you get more serious about one over the others, please stop dating the others and focus on the one about whom you are most serious. Inform the others that you would like to explore a serious relationship with someone else. Because it is still early in the dating phase, the blow will be softened for the ones that you do not choose. If you wait, and juggle all of the women, emotions are deepening and severing the relationships will be more painful. I think a woman would trade heartache for disappointment any day. So, single men, please stop juggling. Be open and honest about your feelings. Don’t string multiple women along. And when the time comes, focus your time and attention on that one special lady. She could be “the one”.

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach