Bitterness

       

"The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter." Mandie Ellingson

I recently listened to a Joyce Meyer teaching series on "Bitterness", in which Joyce taught on becoming better instead of bitter. In it, Joyce spoke of a conference attendee who pointed out that the only difference between "bitter" and "better" is the letter "I". When it comes to the decision to be bitter or better, self-will makes all the difference. Bitterness is all about self, is tied to resentment and unforgiveness, and lacks love and grace in every possible way. After listening to Joyce, I decided to delve deeper into the "bitterness" topic.

Definition of bitterness

"Bitterness" comes from the root word “bitter”, which mean to be angry and resentful. Bitterness is characterized by intense antagonism or hostility caused by a sense of having been badly treated. When you are bitter toward someone, you have strong animosity toward them, and cynicism kicks into high gear. You become mocking and scornful toward them, and you doubt their motives and sincerity. Bitterness puts you in offense mode. You are ready to attack or assault the person who hurt or mistreated you. When something is bitter, it causes a sharply unpleasant, painful, or stinging sensation. When you are bitter toward another, that person engenders unpleasant and painful feelings in you. In return, you are sharp and unpleasant toward them.

The root of bitterness

If I could paint a picture in your mind about how bitterness is formed and grows, I would say the seeds of hurt form into the roots of bitterness that yield the fruit of anger, resentment, and unforgiveness. Bitterness blocks your blessings and God’s dispensation of grace. Hebrews 12:14-15 tells us, “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled.” As you fail to extend grace to others, you also fall short of God’s grace. When the root of bitterness springs up, it leads to fruit that only expounds on a negative feeling and complicates matters. As bitterness grows, so do anger and resentment. Resentment leads to grudges and grudges lead to unforgiveness. When you decide to be bitter, you decide to carry a weight and a burden that controls you based on direct or indirect hurt or unmet expectations from another person. When you are bitter, you are enslaved by hurt. Slavery causes bitterness, and bitterness causes slavery. It is a vicious cycle. When you are bitter, you are holding on to an actual or perceived hurt (intentional or unintentional on the other person’s part) that is dictating your behavior. When you are acting from a root of bitterness, you are making a conscientious effort to return hurt for hurt through your actions.

The antidote to bitterness

What is the antidote to bitterness? How to you go from bitter to better? You must acknowledge the hurt; release the bitterness; extend or request forgiveness; and love.

Acknowledge hurt. The first step to going from bitter to better is to knowledge the hurt caused by another to yourself and to the offender. Face the hurt head on. First, assess your feelings. Seek to understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling toward the other person. Approach the offender calmly and tactfully. Share your feelings and ask pointed questions. Get clarity on actions, motives, and intentions.

Release the bitterness. A good way to release bitterness is to stop blaming the other person for hurting you – even if they intentionally hurt you. When you place blame, you make the other person responsible for your feelings. Take ownership of your own feelings. You are the only one who can truly control them. Stop going on a fact-finding expedition to continue to build a case against the other person. As long as you find fault you will place blame and hold onto bitterness. Really examine a person’s motives and your own expectations. Misinterpreted motives and intentions or unmet or unreasonable expectations can lead to bitterness and resentment. Unless otherwise established, assume that the other person has good motives and intentions. If you have accurately determined that a person does not have good motives or intentions, stop playing the tape of the pain they caused over and over in your mind. Decide that you are going to let it go and move on for peace of mind. As long as you hold on to bitterness, you will not have peace or joy.

Extend or request forgiveness. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” If you have discovered that your bitterness really has no basis, ask the now non-offender for forgiveness for the hurt that you have extended toward him or her based of his or her perceived hurt of you. If someone has genuinely hurt you, release the bitterness, anger, and resentment toward them, and actually forgive them. Keep in mind that an apology is not needed to extend forgiveness. Release the other person from the debt you feel they owe you from the pain they have caused you. Extend grace and compassion toward the other person, and open your heart to forgive them or ask for forgiveness. Remember, bitterness destroys relationships. Forgiveness restores relationships.

Love. The ultimate antidote to bitterness is love. A quote from early 20th century American clergyman, Harry Fosdick, says, “Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sours life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eye.” Choose love over an imprisoned, paralyzed, powerless, sour, blinded life. Acknowledge your hurt; release your bitterness; extend or request forgiveness; and walk in love. Cut bitterness off at its root!

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach