Giants

    

I recently watched the movie, “Facing the Giants”. It is a story about a high school football coach who has never led a winning season. The movie is loosely based on the Biblical story of David and Goliath, and is chockfull of “giants”, like underemployment, infertility, handicaps, and unbeatable opponents. The movie’s tagline is: NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH. In the movie, the coach is challenged to trust in the power of faith and discovers the strength to persevere through his insurmountable crises, and encourages his team members to do the same.

Like the coach and his team, you might be facing some seemingly undefeatable giants in your life. Giants are real or perceived obstacles that seem larger or more powerful than usual. Giants can be persons, events, situations, or circumstances. Facing a giant can make you feel small, weak, and vulnerable. Facing a giant can cause fear and doubt. You can conquer the giants in your life when you turn opposition into opportunity, fear into faith, doubt into determination, and a stone into a weapon.

Turn opposition into opportunity. Crisis is a unique combination of danger and opportunity. Facing your giants does not come without risk, but there is always an opportunity for change and growth. When you turn opposition into opportunity and face your giants, you create a combination of favorable circumstances and a chance for progress or advancement that you would not otherwise have. When you turn opposition into opportunity, you have a chance to overcome your giants and experience victory. If you forgo opportunity, your giants will win by default. In the midst of a crisis, when you find yourself confronted by giants, take the risk and convert opposition to opportunity.

Turn fear into faith. Fear is false evidence appearing real. When faced with giants, you can convince yourself that something is true when it really isn’t. Fear of giants leads to negative self-talk and pessimistic thinking. It’s cliché, but true: Fear is the opposite of faith. You really cannot walk in fear and faith simultaneously. You have to forgo one for the other. Faith can cause you to view your giants from a different perspective. If you size your giants up against God, they all seem small and inconsequential. With faith in God, impossible situations go from implausible to plausible. Faith replaces fear with courage. With God, all things are possible, even having the audacity to defeat the giants in your life.

Turn doubt into determination. Fear causes doubt. When you fear your giants, you start to doubt your skills, abilities, talents, and intellect. You can lose your motivation to do your best and believe the best. Doubt can shut you down and foster a defeatist attitude. The more you doubt, the less you do. When you adjust your attitude, you affect your ability to do more. Your outlook determines your outcome. Trade doubt for determination and you will be more effective in facing and defeating your giants.

Turn a stone into a weapon. In the Biblical account of the battle between David and Goliath, David, who is a man of small stature, defeats the giant Goliath with a mere slingshot and stone. When you use a stone as a weapon, figuratively speaking, you do two things: (1) You use what you have on hand to confront and conquer your giant; and (2) You make the greatest use of something small to defeat your giant. In the movie, “Facing Your Giants”, the coach’s team was facing a team of undefeated champions. Because the team was outnumbered and outsized by the champions, the team had to use brains over brawn to win the game. The football team used strategy. David used his skills with a sling to defeat his giant. As with the football team and David, God will use the unique talents and skills that He has placed in you to help you successfully confront and conquer your giants. When faced with your giants, use creativity and resourcefulness to become a victor instead of a victim.

 

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

  

Vows

    

Vows are solemn promises or pledges to perform an act, carry out an activity, or behave in a given way.

Recently, I seem to be inundated with news and examples of broken wedding vows. From luminaries to “ordinary” people, there seems to be less and less concern about upholding marriage vows in a complete or absolute way. It starts with a laugh here, a touch there, a whisper, a lunch, a text or e-mail, a heartfelt talk, or a convenient opportunity.

Wedding vows are promises that a husband and a wife make to one another on their wedding day as they enter into their marriage. Marriage is not just a legal contract, signed by all parties involved, but it is also a covenant based on those vows promised. A seal distinguishes a covenant from a contract. Under the common law, the presence of a seal indicated an unusual seriousness in the promises made in a covenant, the common law would enforce a covenant even in the absence of contractually binding consideration (i.e., the price that one person pays for another’s promise).

A covenant seal is not meant to be broken. In a marriage, this seal is meant to tightly secure and protect the vows promised on the wedding day. The problem is, not enough couples really mean the vows they promise. If they did, there would be far fewer broken vows and covenants. Couples are more interested in sticking by each other in the good times (for better, for richer, in health), and are not truly committed to working together through the hard times (for worse, for poorer, in sickness). The sacredness of the wedding vows is lost in preparation for the wedding (not preparation for the marriage); not really understanding or embracing the vows; lack of commitment to the vows; and selfishness.

Many couples recite the following traditional vows on their wedding day:

“I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; forsaking all others, until death do us part.”

Some couples veer away from the traditional vows, and they recite their own wedding vows. The essence of the traditional vows is still generally at the core of the personal vows. In order to truly understand and embrace wedding vows, couples should consider what each component of the vows mean.

I…take you to be my wife/husband

A wife is a woman to whom a man is joined in wedlock. Likewise, a husband is a man to whom a woman is joined in wedlock. Wedlock is a compound word composed of the word “wed”, which means to get married, and “lock”, which is a security device. When a man and woman wed, the two become one cohesive unit, bound in (what should be) a secure, impenetrable relationship. When a man and woman marry, they are saying that they have chosen one another to be in a safe, lasting, covenantal relationship.

To have and to hold

When a bride and groom vow to “have and to hold” each other, they are promising to protect and cover (have) and to lift and support (hold) each other. When you protect and cover your spouse, you protect their body, spirit, and soul. You have his or her back. You do not allow or bring physical harm to your spouse. You speak highly of and kindly toward your spouse in the presence of each other and others. You protect your spouse’s image, reputation, and honor. You protect your spouse’s feelings by speaking the truth in love; empathizing with him or her; and considering the impact of your words and actions on your spouse. Spouses lift and support each other by affirming and encouraging; by listening and consoling; assisting and comforting; sharing in household and family responsibilities; and participating and supporting one another in individual and shared goals.

From this day forward

Permanently, from the day that you are married, you are to lay aside your single life. From that day on, you are to consider and respect your spouse in all that you do. The problem is people either do not let go of their single ways or forget that they did on the day that they got married. Leaving the single life behind means each person leaves his or her respective family of origin to form a new primary family, in which decisions are made solely by the couple without outside influences of family and friends. “From this day forward”, your spouse is honored or consulted in personal decisions and decisions that impact the primary family. This does not mean you consult your spouse for every little decision you make (“What do I wear today?, Where should I have lunch?”, “Should I go to the spa?”). It means that you think about how your decisions reflect upon things like your spouse’s image, reputation, and feelings, your family values, your budget, your vows, your children, and your plans as a couple.

For better or for worse

Too many couples live by the motto, “When the going gets tough, the tough getting going”, instead of, “Through thick and thin”. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. has a quote, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” This can be said for marriages. The ultimate measure of a couple is not they stand in those loving moments, but where they stand when the heat is on, and there are no loving feelings to be found. Those who take their vows seriously, do whatever it takes to forge their way through the difficult times in their relationships. Couples who work through marital issues and strife, end up with a stronger bond and a thriving relationship. When couples vow and commit to “for better or for worse”, though storms may come in their relationship and their lives, they will always be one another’s shelter from the rain.

For richer, for poorer

Three parts in the traditional wedding vow speak to unconditionality in marriage: “for better, for worse”, “for richer, for poorer”, and “in sickness and in health”. When you make these vows, you are saying to your spouse that you will stick with through good times and bad times. Vowing ‘for richer, for poorer” means sticking with your spouse through lack and plenty, through fortunes and financial failures, through sound financial decisions and unwise money choices. The key to thriving in “for richer, for poorer”, is for spouses to make financial plans together, consult each other in financial decisions and purchases, and honor the family budget.

In sickness and in health

Someone dear to me asked her boyfriend at the time, if she was seriously disfigured or injured in an accident, would he stay with her. He said, “No”. How horrific and telling. Needless to say, they did not last much longer as a couple. This is someone that she knew that she could not marry. When you marry, you want to know that your spouse will be there with you “through thick and thin”, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, and if, God forbid, you were to become terminally or chronically ill or disabled. No one wants a “fair-weather” spouse. When you stand on your wedding day, and promise one another, “in sickness and in health”, you expect just that. It is important to know that you can rely on your spouse for care, support, and love during any potential illness for a lifetime.

To love and to cherish

The vow to love and to cherish your spouse is at the core of all of the vows. If you truly love and cherish your spouse, honoring all of the other vows come easily. To love your spouse means to extend kindly affection to your spouse. To love your spouse means to do loving actions toward your spouse, even when you don’t feel like it. When you cherish your spouse, you attach importance to your spouse. You appreciate, value, treasure, and prize your spouse. You show great care and concern. You take pleasure in thinking about, spending time with, and serving your spouse. You hold your spouse in highest regard with admiration and deep respect. When you love and cherish your spouse, you are devoted to and adore him or her.

Forsaking all others

When a couple vows to forsake all others, they are promising to be faithful to one another for life. Being faithful means not committing adultery or becoming physically or emotionally intimate with someone other than your spouse. It means communicating with your spouse and expressing your concerns to your spouse, instead of emotionally sharing marital issues with others, especially of the opposite sex. Far too many affairs begin because the disenchanted spouse begins to vent to someone other than his or her spouse. When you forsake all others, you do not put yourself in comprising situations. You do not have inappropriate, intimate, suggestive or sexually connotative conversations or interactions with others. When you forsake all others, you steer clear of behavior that would give even the suggestion or appearance of infidelity with others. When you forsake all others, you are loyal, dedicated, and true to your spouse.

Until death do us part

“Until death do us part” does mean just that -- marriage is for life until one spouse dies. God designed marriage to be for a lifetime. When a couple vows “until death do us part”, they are promising to commit for life, through hard times, low times, and bad times. The couple does whatever it takes to make the marriage last. The couple that has vowed “until death do us part”, perpetually communicates with one another; effectively resolves conflicts; keeps passion ignited; supports, respects, and honors each other; and resolves to stay together through “thick and thin”.

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach

       

Soul Medicine

   
"A merry heart does good like a medicine: but a broken spirit dries the bones." (Proverbs 17:22, AKJV)

A merry heart is like medicine for your soul, but sadness, depression, and despair can drain your strength. During the holiday season, you can feel lonely, hopeless, mournful, grief-stricken, or gloomy, because of the year that you’ve had, goals still unmet, loved ones lost, and relationships ended. The last thing you might feel is “happy” or “merry”. There is still time to turn things around, and end the year on a cheerful note. Consider these eight ways to bring gladness to your soul and have a merry heart:

G - Gratitude
L - Laughter
A - Attitude
D - Dancing
N -Niceness
E – Eating
S – Socializing
S – Sleep

Gratitude

My personal motto is: “In everything, find the blessing.” It's hard to be depressed or sad when you start to think about your blessings. If you focus on what you do have and not on what you don't have, gratitude is easy. A quote by an unknown author says it best: “If you haven’t all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don’t have that you wouldn’t want.” To sum that quote: be thankful, because things could be worse. That can be a hard pill for some to swallow, if your pain is raw and fresh. The comforting thought is that, even in the midst of pain and turmoil, there is always something to be thankful for. Center your heart and mind on those things to help bring gladness to your soul.

Laughter

Fun and humor can invoke laughter. Laughter makes your heart light and takes the focus off of your issues and problems. Laughter can distract you from anger, guilt, stress, and negative emotions. Laughter is even good for your health. Some health benefits of laughter include lowering blood pressure; strengthening cardiovascular functions; reducing stress hormones; improving circulation; increasing muscle flexion; boosting the respiratory system; boosting immune function; releasing endorphins; and producing a general sense of well-being. We’ve all heard the saying, “Laughter is the best medicine.” In keeping with this saying, Humor Therapy has emerged, in which the therapists see beneficial effects from the use of positive emotions associated with laughter. So, watch a comedy. Read a funny story. Listen to some jokes. Think of funny situations. Have a laugh today and help make your heart merry and your day bright.

Attitude

Attitude is everything – at least having the proper attitude is. In the midst of issues and bad circumstances, it is easy to focus on what is going wrong, instead of what is going right. It takes the same amount of energy and mental effort to be optimistic as it does to be pessimistic, but being positive carries benefits that being negative does not. Your outlook determines your outcome. If your outlook is positive, so is the outcome. Positive thoughts promote positive feelings. Positive feelings promote positive actions. When you do positive things, you feel good. And positivity is contagious. When you are positive around and toward others, they also tend to swing in the positive direction. Your attitude is your choice. Choose to think positive, happy thoughts. Happy thoughts lead to happy feelings and a merry heart.

Dancing

Dancing, like laughing, has many benefits. Dancing exercises your body, mind, and soul. Dancing can strengthen your muscles; improve your flexibility, tone, and coordination; help with weight loss; improve your posture; increase your confidence; and lift your mood. Dancing is very freeing. Try being sad, depressed, angry, or despondent while you are dancing. It’s virtually impossible. So put your dancing shoes on, and dance your way to better health and a better mood. Take a dance class, go to a party, get your praise on, celebrate!

Niceness

The Dalia Lama said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” Being kind, compassionate, and nice induces happy feelings in self and others. Acts of kindness, large and small, can go a long way in helping others feel better, and lift your own spirits in the process. The bonus is niceness begets niceness. When you are kind to others, they are kind to you. Being nice and kind to others releases the body’s “feel good” hormones, endorphins, and leads to a “helper’s high” of elated feelings. Niceness counters depression, hostility, and helplessness, and increases self-worth, happiness, and optimism. So take the time to be kind to others, to make your soul glad and your heart merry.

Eating

It might seem weird to see “Eating” as a way to have a merry heart, but food can be comforting to the soul. In Ecclesiastes, Solomon said, “So I commended pleasure, for there is nothing good for a man under the sun except to eat and to drink and to be merry, and this will stand by him in his toils throughout the days of his life which God has given him under the sun.” Imagine how you feel when you have your favorite treat. I’m sure it puts smile on your face and a little joy in your heart. I am not advocating binging, overindulging, or falling off the wagon. The point here is to treat yourself to something good and tasty. It will give your soul a lift. So, eat, drink, and be merry!

Socializing

People need people, even introverts and loners. Being around other people can lift your spirits. Social interaction can be a cure for loneliness and depression. When we are around others, we feel loved, supported, needed and included. When we interact with others, we have a sense of belonging and there’s meaning to life. Interacting with others can be therapeutic. Through conversations and sharing with others, you can obtain stress relief and emotional release. So, help to make your heart happy and merry. Get out there, and mix and mingle!

Sleep

It’s amazing how a good night’s sleep will make you feel. You awake with more energy and a better outlook. I know that I get a little grumpy when I am too sleep-deprived (food deprived, too, for that matter). Sleep is essential in rejuvenating the mind, regenerating cells, and balancing hormones, like the stress hormone, cortisol. Getting insufficient sleep causes an increase in cortisol levels, which can lead to hypertension and depression. Not only does getting a good night’s sleep decrease cortisol and stress levels, it reenergizes your body for the next day. Many of us go day after day with a sleep deficit. If your mind and body do not ever have a chance to fully recharge, then your soul, the center of your emotions, does not have an opportunity to recharge either. Get a good 7 – 9 hours of sleep per night to rejuvenate, regenerate, de-stress, and have a merry heart.

To have a glad soul and happy heart during this holiday season, be thankful for your blessings, laugh, adjust your attitude, dance, be nice, eat some good treats, get out there and socialize, and get plenty of sleep. If you do, your holidays will be merry and bright!


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach
    

Tradition

        

“Tradition: Just because you’ve always done it that way doesn’t mean it’s not stupid.” (A quote from a poster.)


A lot of thought goes into maintaining traditions, especially during the holiday seasons. With the recent passing of Thanksgiving, you might have observed many family traditions of your own. A tradition is a long-established action or pattern of behavior that has often been handed down from generation to generation. Traditions are customary, ritualistic, habitual practices. Traditions take many forms, like Sunday family dinners, holiday parties & gatherings, bedtime tales & prayers, pizza or movie nights, monthly service projects, and weekly date nights.

As the quote says, just because something has been done the same way day after day, month after month, or year after year, does not mean it’s the smartest thing to do. Many times we do things simply because they are traditions, dismissing the fact that some traditions are outdated, limiting, inflexible, unreasonable, stressful, and irrelevant. We can box ourselves in with the mindset that “we’ve always done it this way”. Following some traditions can have us settling for complacency, insignificance, and the status quo.

American poet and playwright T.S. Elliot said, “A tradition without intelligence is not worth having. People should think things out fresh and not just accept conventional terms and the conventional way of doing things”. Not all traditions are obsolete or restrictive. Traditions can be beneficial or they can be stressful and distract from what really matters. As such, traditions should be periodically assessed and adapted, as needed, to changing times and circumstances. Following are guidelines of when to consider retiring or replacing a tradition, and when traditions should be continued.

Signs that it may be time to relinquish a tradition:

1. Major life events. When you have experienced a major life event like marriage, childbirth, death of a loved one, change of career, or relocation, it might be necessary to retire, replace, or revamp existing traditions. Newlyweds should start new traditions of their own. When children enter the picture, family- and children-friendly traditions should be added. As couples enter the “empty nest” phase, then traditions might change as well. Moving to a new neighborhood or state might call for an adjustment in more geographically based traditions.
2. Stress. If following a tradition causes stress, anxiety, and relational turmoil, or is a burden to implement or partake, you should consider eliminating or modifying the tradition. Some traditions can be streamlined to minimize stress and foster harmony in relationships. Others should be abolished altogether to make room for new traditions.
3. Boredom. If a tradition inspires “ho-hum” feelings in most of the participants, then it is likely time to rethink the tradition. It can be torturous to participate in something that is lackluster and void of any fun or excitement. Take note of the interest level of participants as you practice traditions. Also, occasionally poll participants to see if the tradition is enjoyable, beneficial, and inspiring. If no one is thrilled to take part, then add some spice or consider discontinuing the tradition.
4. Changing times. Changing times can call for changing traditions, especially as humanity progresses in areas like technology, environmental awareness, cultural & ethnic diversity. If a tradition is so far behind the times, that it is no longer relevant, consider doing a tradition makeover. Some outdated traditions might need to be decommissioned altogether.
5. Painful situations. When a tradition invokes more pain than joy over a period of time, then the tradition should be rethought. Traditions should inspire, benefit, motivate, encourage, and uplift. Sometimes, a tragedy, painful event, or change in relational status might make a tradition permanently difficult or impossible to continue. Death does not necessarily dictate the end of a tradition. When loved ones are lost who participated in a tradition, observing the tradition might be difficult for the first few times, but ultimately, the loved one's memory can live on through the continuance of the tradition.

Good traditions to keep:

1. Legacy. Because the truest definition of a tradition is an action or behavior that has been passed down from generation to generation, traditions that perpetuate family legacy are good traditions to keep. A good tradition considers future generations and promotes generational inclusion, sharing, and learning.
2. Relevant. Relevant traditions consider the times and the culture. Traditions should be relevant and current in approach, even if the tradition itself dates back for decades, even centuries. Update traditions based on changes in technology, environment, economy, and culture.
3. Spiritually based. It is good to have traditions that are spiritually based. These traditions help keep you grounded, focused, and connected to God. Traditions that reinforce your faith are good traditions to keep.
4. Charitable. Rituals that give back to the community and help others are always keepers. Family traditions of service and donations promote a wonderful legacy of altruistic acts of kindness.
5. Enjoyable. The best traditions are those that are not painful, stressful, or boring for the participants. A tradition should foster joy, reduce stress, and provide some level of excitement in some significant way. If a tradition is enjoyable and beneficial, it is a good one to keep.

As you assess whether to update, eliminate, or replace a tradition, consider major life events, future generations, and changing times. If the tradition promotes legacy, and is relevant, spiritually based, charitable, or enjoyable, keep it. If it is not, consider a new approach to an old practice.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Coach Couch

 

Balance

      
I was recently a panelist for my sorority workshop on balance. (The dynamic ladies of Delta Sigma Theta, in case you were wondering.) As I pondered my discussion points, I thought about balance in my own life. Achieving a sense of balance can be challenging for us "independent", progressive, active, 21st century woman. I use quotes around "independent", because even married ladies tend to be independent, superwomen, who believe, like most ladies, that they can conquer the world without experiencing burnout. Men, who are usually very focused, tend to experience less burnout and maintain a better balance.

For most ladies and some men, just normal, day-to-day activities of working and caring for a home (single or married) can wear you down and stress you out. If you add church and community activities, you could have a total meltdown if you do not have balance. Having balance is essential to a healthy lifestyle and healthy relationships. If you do not maintain balance, you cannot be effective for anyone or anything, including yourself. In order to maintain balance in your life, you must know your limits, prioritize your activities, learn to just say "no", and re-energize yourself to be effective to self and others.

Know your limits. The first step to achieving and maintaining balance is to know your limits. Do not take on more than you can handle. Make an assessment of what you can and cannot handle based on your lifestyle. Parents with young children should take on fewer non-family or non-children oriented activities because the amount of time and attention babies and young children require. As the children age, the parents can pursue additional endeavors. Single persons with no children can handle more activities than married persons and/or parents. Retired persons can handle more activities than those still working. Persons with more demanding careers cannot do as many non-work related activities as persons whose careers are less demanding. Know what works for you and your stage of life and your direct responsibilities.

Prioritize. Prioritizing is key to achieving and maintaining balance. Activities should be pursued in order of importance. The essential order of importance should be (1) God, (2) family, (3) work/purpose, and (4) other activities. A couple things to note here: First, God and church are not the same. “God” here means relationship with God not church activities. If your relationship with God is number one in importance, then balance is much easier to achieve and all other relationships and activities fall into place. Church activities should fall in the “other activities” category in order of importance. Second, family priority can be split into sub-categories of spouse (first) and children (second). This does not mean neglect children’s needs to care for your spouse. It means considering, honoring, and respecting your spouse in all of your decisions. When prioritizing family, work/purpose, and other activities, a distinction should be made between something that you want to do and something you have to do. If time is a factor, always err on the side of what needs to be done. Also, primary needs, like food, shelter, and safety are more important than secondary (and lower) needs.

Just say "no". When confronted with a task or activity for which you have not prioritized, or you simply do not have the motivation or energy to do (if not doing it will not put you or others in deficit, detriment, or danger), just say, "No." Saying "yes" when you really mean "no" can leave you feeling stressed out, angry, and resentful . Save yourself future anguish, and just say, "No." Saying "no" can bring on feelings of guilt, especially with loved ones, because of the sense of obligation tied to fulfilling the request. Set boundaries and be clear and concise in communicating those boundaries. This will help alleviate the guilt that can come with saying "no". Saying "yes" when you really mean, desire, or need to say "no" can zap your time and energy that should be used on something for which you have prioritized. In order to achieve and maintain balance, learn to just say, "No". When you do say, "Yes", be a person of your word and follow through. Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no".

Re-energize. You will be constantly exhausted and depleted of energy if you never stop to re-energize. A simple solution to extreme or chronic fatigue is consistent and sufficient rest. Three to four hours of sleep every night for a month just will not cut it. In order to effective in your areas of prioroty, you must make time for sufficient self-care. Think about one of the safety instructions given to passengers on a plane: "In the event of a change in cabin pressure, your oxygen masks will drop from the cieling above you. Before you help others with thier masks, put your mask on first." This a good way to view the role of self-care in helping others and prioritizing activities. If you are not sufficiently cared for and rested, you will not have energy to pray, care for your family, work, or engage in other activities. Take time to regularly re-energize yourself through proper rest, pampering, grooming, and solitiude. When you do, you will operate more effectively in areas most important to you.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach
 
         

Plan B

  

A recent news story caught my attention. A local Atlanta woman, who was six months pregnant, who wanted the H1N1 vaccination, was having difficulty finding a place that had the vaccination in supply. The reporter asked her what she would do if she could not get the vaccination. She replied, "Go to 'Plan B': It’s in God’s hands."

I thought it was interesting that the woman thought her primary plan of being vaccinated was better than the plan of trusting God to be protected from the H1N1 virus. Isn't that how many of us operate our lives? God becomes the afterthought instead of the forethought. God is "Plan B". After we have set our "Plan A" into motion and it doesn't work out like we want, we then look to God. God's plan for our lives should be "Plan A" not "Plan B". In all reality, "Plan B" should be non-existent, or at least null and void, once you get the revelation that God's plan for your life is the only REAL plan. God's plan is "Plan A", the course on which He places you.

Persisting with "Plan A" is often challenging. We want to hurry things along or give up when things don't seem to be going as they should. We want to switch to another plan ("Plan B"). Remember, many are the plans of man, but only the counsel of God will stand (Proverbs 19:21). Our ways are not His ways. Our thoughts are not His thoughts. And most importantly, our plans are not His plans. And His plans are always better. If God gave you a vision, He will bring it to pass, even when it seems like it's never going to happen. I like to say, when in doubt, darkness, and despair, trust God for the outcome. God will not steer you wrong. Stick to the plan - "Plan A" - God's plan. Remember, every delay is not a denial, and some denials are just delays! Don't give up!

In order to follow "Plan A", you must identify "Plan A", eliminate "Plan B" distractions, focus on "Plan A" related activities, be persistent (stick to the plan), and trust God for the outcome of "Plan A".

Identify - "Plan A" is God's plan, created just for you. The best way to discover God's plan is through God's Word and prayer. God's Word provides a blueprint of how to approach life, relationships, work, finances, childrearing, and much more. Through prayer, you can discover how to apply God's blueprint to your personal situations, circumstances, and lifestyle. If you are having difficulty identifying "Plan A", know that "Plan A" always involves God - God's will, God's willingness, God's Word, God's ways, God's wisdom, God's work, God's wants. If your plan is void of God, and full of self, then it's likely not the plan that should be implemented.

Eliminate – Once you have identified “Plan A” – God’s plan for you, it is essential to eradicate all distractions not related to the plan. “Plan B” activities divert your attention from what is really important. “Plan B” actions can derail you and stress you out in the long run. Usually, when “Plan B” is followed, you are really taking the “scenic route” to “Plan A” anyway. “Plan B” typically either fails or takes you down the wrong path. If you discard “Plan B” and focus on “Plan A”, you can operate in more confidence and peace and less stress and distress.

Focus - You must have a "Plan A" only philosophy, to actually see "Plan A" through to its end with no distractions. Your life should be centered on activities that are related to "Plan A". If God called you to be an educator, then read education related books; take education related courses; attend education related workshops, conferences, and seminars; network with and befriend people who are also called to or operating in the education area. Be education focused. Having various options within your "Plan A" area is not the same as having a "Plan B". Choose wisely and purposefully. Keep "Plan A" in mind when various options and opportunities present themselves. Give yourself a little break. Vacations and recreation activities do not have to be "Plan A" related -- at least not always (smile). Sometimes, you just want to take a trip and not have to worry about going to a little village in Africa on vacation, because your calling is to help find a cure for AIDS. Take time to relax and enjoy life, too, but always be "Plan A" minded.

Persist - Do not be dismayed when "Plan A" seems to be delayed or not going as you envision it. Stay on course. Don't give up. Know that "Plan A" will come to pass. It's at the moment that we are ready to give up that things start to happen. Hang in there! Remember, persistence pays off in the long run. Keep your eyes on the prize. “Plan A” is a failsafe plan!

Trust - God will bring His vision for your life to pass if you seek and trust Him. He planted the seed (desires, gifts, passions, and calling) in you. He will water the seed and cause it to grow. You must fully rely on Him. Delays in our visions come for many reasons: growth, tests, strength, preparation, perseverance. Most of all, delays increase our faith and dependence of God.

Stay on course! Stick to "Plan A". Ditch "Plan B". When we operate under a "Plan A Only" philosophy", we are less distracted, more focused, and completely reliant on God.


Jacinta M. Gray
The Couch Coach

  

Papers

      
R&B Artist Usher has a new song out called "Papers", closely chronicling the events and circumstances leading to his recent divorce from his wife of two years. In the song, Usher talks about all of the drama that led him and his wife to the point of getting ready to sign their divorce papers. Although, he loved her, he felt he no option but to sign the "papers". What if he had other options?

What if the same effort, attention, energy, emotion, passion, intent, consultation, and celebration went into marriage as it does into divorce? What if people did more on the front-end in preparation for marriage and more during the marriage to maintain it? Would there be fewer "papers", less broken covenants and more lasting, lifetime bonds?

Quickie Marriages and Quickie Divorces

Many couples, high from the euphoria of "falling in love", marry only after a short time of dating. Some couples skip or breeze through the dating and courting phases and move rapidly into engagement, in which the focus is on the wedding (not the relationship or the marriage). Some couples expedite marriage by eloping or flying to Vegas to have a small, quick ceremony in a chapel on the Strip. As a society, we tend to move too quickly into and out of marriage. If more preparation was done on the front-end, fewer poorly matched people would get married and there would be fewer divorces.

The legal system has made getting a divorce easy with no-fault and uncontested divorces. In these cases, the dissolution of a marriage does not require an allegation or proof of fault of either party. The application for divorce can be made by either party or by both parties jointly. Under the no-fault divorce systems, grounds for divorce include incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. Quickie divorces include those that are fast and easy to get, as well as those where not much thought and effort went into planning to get a divorce in the first place. If more effort went into finding a compatible mate, working through marital strife, and building up marriages than getting quickie divorces, then there would be fewer quickie divorces and more lasting, loving marriages.

Stay & Play vs. Leave & Cleave

The Bible says that when a couple marries, a man leaves his mother and father, and cleaves to his wife, and the two become one flesh. When a couple marries, the two must become one cohesive unit, which is not infiltrated or negatively impacted or influenced by external forces. The couple becomes its own primary family, and their respective families of origin become secondary. Other family members and friends, hobbies and interests, and former habits and practices now are lower in hierarchy and priority for the couple. The order of importance should be God, spouse, children, work, and then other interests. (A note of caution here: “God” means relationship with God, not church and church activities. Church and church activities fall under work or other interests, as applicable.)

Couples must establish values, practices, and traditions that are unique to the new primary family, which may or may not include those from either’s family of origin. The couple should agree on how the new primary family should function and how individual interests factor into the new family framework. Big problems occur almost immediately in marriages when one or both persons continue living life as usual – still living as a single person. Decisions are made in a vacuum without consulting or considering the other person. In some cases, there is a “mine is mine, yours is yours” attitude. Outside interests still take a higher priority over one’s spouse. Other family members and friends are consulted instead of the spouse when problems and issues occur. When they marry, couples must work together as a new family unit by consulting one another and mutually creating, honoring, and respecting the new family values, practices, and traditions.

Irreconcilable Differences vs. Conciliatory Actions

The concept of irreconcilable differences provides a possible ground for divorce. Often irreconcilable differences are used as justification for a no-fault divorce. Irreconcilable differences are differences between spouses that are considered sufficiently severe enough to make married life together virtually impossible. Irreconcilable differences are easily accepted in many cases as grounds for divorce with no dispute from a judge. Having irreconcilable differences means that a couple has gotten to the point in their marriage that they are no longer are willing to work through issues. Often the couple has been bickering for so long, they cannot not readily pinpoint what the real issue is. The real issue is deeply buried in layers of unresolved hurt and pain caused by more unresolved hurt and pain. Irreconcilable differences are generally the symptoms, not the root cause, of marital strife.

Conciliatory actions offer prevention and remedy for irreconcilable differences. Conciliatory actions are those behaviors and practices that foster a spirit of peace and perpetual reconciliation. With conciliatory actions, couples make attempts to have a meeting of minds, to be on one accord, to be on the same page, and to be in synch with one another. Sometimes that means lovingly agreeing to disagree. Just because a couple does not agree on a matter does not mean that they have to be at odds against each other. Conciliatory actions soothe hostility and pain. Conciliatory actions counter antagonism, defensiveness, and stubbornness, and foster goodwill and favor in another. Conciliatory actions preserve and restore friendship and harmony in a relationship.

Legal counsel vs. Marriage counseling

Far too many couples seek legal counsel over marriage counseling when the marital relationship has died or come impossible to handle. Divorce lawyers can be easily found via Yellow Pages, Google searches, highway billboards, TV advertisements, and word of mouth. The point at which a couple seeks legal counsel is the point at which they are unwilling to work through marital issues and reconcile. The couple has separated and/or is living separate lives. The divorce lawyer gives counsel and guidance on division of assets, alimony, and child custody. The focus of a divorce lawyer is on dissolution of the marriage rather than solutions for reconciliation.

In contrast to a divorce lawyer, a marriage counselor focuses on optimizing a couple’s relationship. A marriage counselor provides a safe, neutral environment for open dialogue between couples in which both persons can be heard. A marriage counselor helps couples identify and combat patterns and habits that perpetuate issues and cause communication breakdown and loss of affection between couples. A marriage counselor teaches couples coping strategies, communication techniques, and conflict resolution methods. A marriage counselor helps couples create activities that promote closeness and emotional bonding. With premarital counseling, a marriage counselor helps couples identify issues that could arise in the marriage based on each person’s past experiences. A marriage counselor also can help a couple determine whether they are a good fit or the timing is right for marriage. A marriage counselor provides wisdom and guidance to help couples determine whether they should move toward marriage, or in the case of some married couples, continue in a marriage. With that said, a marriage counselor is always more concerned about building up relationships not tearing them down.

Falling in Love vs. Loving

Once the honeymoon is over and the euphoria of “falling in love” dissipates, many couples feel empty, unhappy, and dissatisfied with their marriages, especially in the midst of stressful events and communication breakdown. Many couples expect the feelings that accompany “falling in love” to persist, and if they do not, they no longer desire to be in the marriage.

Love is an action not a feeling. Love is a choice to treat someone in a way that fosters positive emotions. In the dating, courting, and engagement phase, couples seem more willing to do loving actions that promote positive emotions that lead to “falling in love”. Once couples are married, they tend to minimize their efforts and do fewer loving actions. Also, getting into the routine of married life takes the focus from the giddy, “in love” feelings, and places it on the responsibilities and issues of the primary family. In order to sustain, preserve, and strengthen marriages, couples should focus on consistent, loving actions toward each other. Falling in love gets most couples married. Loving keeps them married.

Incompatible mates vs. Soul mates

Many marriages dissolve because of incompatibility. Couples either begin in a state of incompatibility or become incompatible over the course of the marriage because they take divergent paths. Having different interests, values, and views can make a couple incompatible. Having different values could especially make a couple incompatible if the two disagree on spirituality, finances, and child-rearing. However, having different interests or views does not necessarily make a couple incompatible. It is having no common interests or views that makes a couple incompatible. Incompatibility can cause tension when one person tries to force their interests, values, or views on the other.

Contrary to incompatible mates, soul mates share common interests, values, and views. Common interests, values, and views provide a foundation and a point of reference for the couple. If these commonalities are in place, the couple’s differences complement each other instead of clash. Soul mates agree on areas like spirituality, finances, and child-rearing. Soul mates support one another’s interests even when they differ. Soul mates are accepting and respectful of differing views and interests, not intolerant and dismissive. Marrying one’s soul mate would greatly decrease the chances of divorce. The problem is few couples do the appropriate upfront work to determine if they are truly soul mates, and marry anyway.

There are options, other than divorce “papers”, that couples have, in dealing with marital issues and strife. Couples should stay away from quickie marriages and quickie divorces and do more pre-planning and upfront work to determine if they should get married, and do more work in the marriage to foster a spirit of reconciliation through conciliatory actions, effective communication, and conflict management & resolution. Couples should focus on becoming a cohesive unit that respects differences, celebrates commonalities, and serves each other in love.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach