Vows

    

Vows are solemn promises or pledges to perform an act, carry out an activity, or behave in a given way.

Recently, I seem to be inundated with news and examples of broken wedding vows. From luminaries to “ordinary” people, there seems to be less and less concern about upholding marriage vows in a complete or absolute way. It starts with a laugh here, a touch there, a whisper, a lunch, a text or e-mail, a heartfelt talk, or a convenient opportunity.

Wedding vows are promises that a husband and a wife make to one another on their wedding day as they enter into their marriage. Marriage is not just a legal contract, signed by all parties involved, but it is also a covenant based on those vows promised. A seal distinguishes a covenant from a contract. Under the common law, the presence of a seal indicated an unusual seriousness in the promises made in a covenant, the common law would enforce a covenant even in the absence of contractually binding consideration (i.e., the price that one person pays for another’s promise).

A covenant seal is not meant to be broken. In a marriage, this seal is meant to tightly secure and protect the vows promised on the wedding day. The problem is, not enough couples really mean the vows they promise. If they did, there would be far fewer broken vows and covenants. Couples are more interested in sticking by each other in the good times (for better, for richer, in health), and are not truly committed to working together through the hard times (for worse, for poorer, in sickness). The sacredness of the wedding vows is lost in preparation for the wedding (not preparation for the marriage); not really understanding or embracing the vows; lack of commitment to the vows; and selfishness.

Many couples recite the following traditional vows on their wedding day:

“I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; forsaking all others, until death do us part.”

Some couples veer away from the traditional vows, and they recite their own wedding vows. The essence of the traditional vows is still generally at the core of the personal vows. In order to truly understand and embrace wedding vows, couples should consider what each component of the vows mean.

I…take you to be my wife/husband

A wife is a woman to whom a man is joined in wedlock. Likewise, a husband is a man to whom a woman is joined in wedlock. Wedlock is a compound word composed of the word “wed”, which means to get married, and “lock”, which is a security device. When a man and woman wed, the two become one cohesive unit, bound in (what should be) a secure, impenetrable relationship. When a man and woman marry, they are saying that they have chosen one another to be in a safe, lasting, covenantal relationship.

To have and to hold

When a bride and groom vow to “have and to hold” each other, they are promising to protect and cover (have) and to lift and support (hold) each other. When you protect and cover your spouse, you protect their body, spirit, and soul. You have his or her back. You do not allow or bring physical harm to your spouse. You speak highly of and kindly toward your spouse in the presence of each other and others. You protect your spouse’s image, reputation, and honor. You protect your spouse’s feelings by speaking the truth in love; empathizing with him or her; and considering the impact of your words and actions on your spouse. Spouses lift and support each other by affirming and encouraging; by listening and consoling; assisting and comforting; sharing in household and family responsibilities; and participating and supporting one another in individual and shared goals.

From this day forward

Permanently, from the day that you are married, you are to lay aside your single life. From that day on, you are to consider and respect your spouse in all that you do. The problem is people either do not let go of their single ways or forget that they did on the day that they got married. Leaving the single life behind means each person leaves his or her respective family of origin to form a new primary family, in which decisions are made solely by the couple without outside influences of family and friends. “From this day forward”, your spouse is honored or consulted in personal decisions and decisions that impact the primary family. This does not mean you consult your spouse for every little decision you make (“What do I wear today?, Where should I have lunch?”, “Should I go to the spa?”). It means that you think about how your decisions reflect upon things like your spouse’s image, reputation, and feelings, your family values, your budget, your vows, your children, and your plans as a couple.

For better or for worse

Too many couples live by the motto, “When the going gets tough, the tough getting going”, instead of, “Through thick and thin”. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. has a quote, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” This can be said for marriages. The ultimate measure of a couple is not they stand in those loving moments, but where they stand when the heat is on, and there are no loving feelings to be found. Those who take their vows seriously, do whatever it takes to forge their way through the difficult times in their relationships. Couples who work through marital issues and strife, end up with a stronger bond and a thriving relationship. When couples vow and commit to “for better or for worse”, though storms may come in their relationship and their lives, they will always be one another’s shelter from the rain.

For richer, for poorer

Three parts in the traditional wedding vow speak to unconditionality in marriage: “for better, for worse”, “for richer, for poorer”, and “in sickness and in health”. When you make these vows, you are saying to your spouse that you will stick with through good times and bad times. Vowing ‘for richer, for poorer” means sticking with your spouse through lack and plenty, through fortunes and financial failures, through sound financial decisions and unwise money choices. The key to thriving in “for richer, for poorer”, is for spouses to make financial plans together, consult each other in financial decisions and purchases, and honor the family budget.

In sickness and in health

Someone dear to me asked her boyfriend at the time, if she was seriously disfigured or injured in an accident, would he stay with her. He said, “No”. How horrific and telling. Needless to say, they did not last much longer as a couple. This is someone that she knew that she could not marry. When you marry, you want to know that your spouse will be there with you “through thick and thin”, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, and if, God forbid, you were to become terminally or chronically ill or disabled. No one wants a “fair-weather” spouse. When you stand on your wedding day, and promise one another, “in sickness and in health”, you expect just that. It is important to know that you can rely on your spouse for care, support, and love during any potential illness for a lifetime.

To love and to cherish

The vow to love and to cherish your spouse is at the core of all of the vows. If you truly love and cherish your spouse, honoring all of the other vows come easily. To love your spouse means to extend kindly affection to your spouse. To love your spouse means to do loving actions toward your spouse, even when you don’t feel like it. When you cherish your spouse, you attach importance to your spouse. You appreciate, value, treasure, and prize your spouse. You show great care and concern. You take pleasure in thinking about, spending time with, and serving your spouse. You hold your spouse in highest regard with admiration and deep respect. When you love and cherish your spouse, you are devoted to and adore him or her.

Forsaking all others

When a couple vows to forsake all others, they are promising to be faithful to one another for life. Being faithful means not committing adultery or becoming physically or emotionally intimate with someone other than your spouse. It means communicating with your spouse and expressing your concerns to your spouse, instead of emotionally sharing marital issues with others, especially of the opposite sex. Far too many affairs begin because the disenchanted spouse begins to vent to someone other than his or her spouse. When you forsake all others, you do not put yourself in comprising situations. You do not have inappropriate, intimate, suggestive or sexually connotative conversations or interactions with others. When you forsake all others, you steer clear of behavior that would give even the suggestion or appearance of infidelity with others. When you forsake all others, you are loyal, dedicated, and true to your spouse.

Until death do us part

“Until death do us part” does mean just that -- marriage is for life until one spouse dies. God designed marriage to be for a lifetime. When a couple vows “until death do us part”, they are promising to commit for life, through hard times, low times, and bad times. The couple does whatever it takes to make the marriage last. The couple that has vowed “until death do us part”, perpetually communicates with one another; effectively resolves conflicts; keeps passion ignited; supports, respects, and honors each other; and resolves to stay together through “thick and thin”.

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach