Love Nots

    

There is a popular song by Foreigner (and remade by Mariah Carey), “I Want to Know What Love Is.” The chorus to the song says,

“I wanna know what love is.
I want you to show me.
I wanna feel what love is.
I know you can show me.”

Many people focus on feeling and receiving love rather than giving love. Love is not a feeling. Love is an action word. Love is a commandment. God commands us in His Word to love Him, one another, and self. God does not force us to love Him or others. He invites us to respond to Him out of love. Love is a commandment not a mandate. Love is a commitment. Webster defines "commitment" as a deliberate action, a pledge or assignment to some particular course or use, or an agreement or pledge to do something at a future date. This sums up the essence of love. Love is deliberate, consistent, continual, enduring, and lasting. Love stands the test of time. Love is a choice. It's a conscientious effort to extend service, good will, and kind affection toward another. When we make the choice to love, we show our love to others through our actions. Love is love in action.

Understanding what love is not is just as important to effectively loving others as understanding what love is. Following is a list of ten “Love Nots”, characteristics that are not associated with love:

1. Love is not selfish. It is easy to focus on self when it comes to love, or the lack thereof. We resent others when we do not feel or see love coming from them. We pout. We feel sorry for ourselves because we are not getting the love we want or feel we deserve. Love, as modeled by God, is not selfish. It does not seek its own. True love only seeks to freely give to others with no expectation of anything in return. It doesn’t ask, “What about me?” Loves thinks of others. It asks, “What about you?” Think about the love of a newborn infant. When this innocent child is born, and is fully reliant on his or her parents for care, the parents do not say, “Well, this child cannot do a thing for us, we’ll let him starve.” Quite the contrary. The parents unconditionally love and provide for the child. This is how true love should be – without conditions or clauses that say, “I’ll love you if…” or “If you do this for me, I’ll do that for you.” Love, unselfish and true, does not have an agenda. It gives “just because”.

2. Love is not forceful. Love makes requests not demands. Love is polite, respectful, and considerate. Love does not lord over someone. It serves. Love does not insist, "When are you going to put the trash out?" It kindly asks, "Honey, do you mind putting the trash out?" Love doesn't say, "We're attending my job's holiday party." It politely requests, "Sweetie, would you like to attend my job's holiday party?" Love gives another person options. It does not box them in. Love values and considers the desires of another. It does not force its own desires on them.

3. Love is not unforgiving. Love does not hold grudges. Love does not hold resentment or ill-will in its heart toward others. Love lets go of past hurts and pains. It extinguishes the resentment and anger toward others and their behavior. It looks beyond faults. Love releases others from their responsibility for mistakes, failures, and acts of wrongdoing. Love understands that everyone has shortcomings. Love is generous in spirit. It extends grace. Love forgives when the others are not deserving of forgiveness. It cancels the debt owed by another for some past offense rendered.

4. Love is not abusive. Love is not physically or psychologically harmful. Love does not say, “This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you”, followed by physical assault. Love does not hurt. Love does not foster fear in others. Perfect love casts out fear. Love is not emotionally abusive. Love does not insult or offend another. Love does not belittle, devalue, or degrade others. Love does not knock another down, physically or verbally. Loves protects and empowers. Love values and enhances.

5. Love is not brutally honest. Love is honest, yes. However, there should be some balance between being cruelly honest and sparing someone’s feelings. Remember, love is kind. Being brutally honest does not foster a spirit of affection. It causes resentment, alienation, and deflated feelings in the other person. True love requires being slow to speak, and not saying the first thing that comes to your mind, even if it is the truth. Think about how to kindly relay the truth to others. Apply a “sugar coating”, especially with hard truths or difficult subjects. Remember, love is kind and gentle.

6. Love is not suspicious. Love is not distrustful, apprehensive, wary, guarded, skeptical, or leery of others - especially not without cause. Love does not doubt or suspect one person based on past experiences with another. It does not question motives or intentions. Love trusts. Love is not inclined to believe that something is wrong. Love does not search for the bad in others. Love believes the best in people.

7. Love is not sneaky. Love not only does not question the motives or intentions of others, but it has the best motives and intentions of its own. Love is not underhanded or devious. Love is honest and truthful. Love does not cheat or lie. Love does not mislead or omit with the purpose of misleading. Love is transparent and open. Love is clearly recognizable, without question.

8. Love is not dismissive. Love is patient, inclusive, and tolerant. Love is able to endure waiting, delay, or provocation caused or prompted by another without becoming annoyed or upset. Love is not narrow-minded. Love is able to persevere calmly, especially when faced with difficulties. Love does not exclude, discriminate or stereotype another based on differences of culture, ethnicity, personality, opinions, values, habits, preferences, goals, gender, abilities or limitations. Love treats the people who hold different views kindly and fairly. Love does not attempt to suppress the beliefs of others.

9. Love is not mean. Love does not speak unkindly to others. Love is not malicious. Love does not snap. It is not bad-tempered. Love is slow to anger. Love does not have a bad attitude or a smart-alecky reply. Love is not rude. It has manners. Love considers others more highly than itself. Love is always respectful and thoughtful of the feelings of another.

10. Love is not passive. Love never takes a holiday. Love never asks for a “pass”. Love is active. Love persists through feelings and circumstances. Love does not take a back seat to bitterness and moodiness. Love is active. It’s always “on and popping”, “wheeling and dealing”, “moving and shaking”. Love does not conveniently fade in and fade out. Love is relentless. It toughs it out through the hard times. Love is active.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant. It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't keep track of wrongs. It isn't happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, and never gives up. Love never comes to an end.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, God’s Word translation)

Meditate on what love is and what love is not, and you will be able to effectively show another what love really is.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach