Tradition

        

“Tradition: Just because you’ve always done it that way doesn’t mean it’s not stupid.” (A quote from a poster.)


A lot of thought goes into maintaining traditions, especially during the holiday seasons. With the recent passing of Thanksgiving, you might have observed many family traditions of your own. A tradition is a long-established action or pattern of behavior that has often been handed down from generation to generation. Traditions are customary, ritualistic, habitual practices. Traditions take many forms, like Sunday family dinners, holiday parties & gatherings, bedtime tales & prayers, pizza or movie nights, monthly service projects, and weekly date nights.

As the quote says, just because something has been done the same way day after day, month after month, or year after year, does not mean it’s the smartest thing to do. Many times we do things simply because they are traditions, dismissing the fact that some traditions are outdated, limiting, inflexible, unreasonable, stressful, and irrelevant. We can box ourselves in with the mindset that “we’ve always done it this way”. Following some traditions can have us settling for complacency, insignificance, and the status quo.

American poet and playwright T.S. Elliot said, “A tradition without intelligence is not worth having. People should think things out fresh and not just accept conventional terms and the conventional way of doing things”. Not all traditions are obsolete or restrictive. Traditions can be beneficial or they can be stressful and distract from what really matters. As such, traditions should be periodically assessed and adapted, as needed, to changing times and circumstances. Following are guidelines of when to consider retiring or replacing a tradition, and when traditions should be continued.

Signs that it may be time to relinquish a tradition:

1. Major life events. When you have experienced a major life event like marriage, childbirth, death of a loved one, change of career, or relocation, it might be necessary to retire, replace, or revamp existing traditions. Newlyweds should start new traditions of their own. When children enter the picture, family- and children-friendly traditions should be added. As couples enter the “empty nest” phase, then traditions might change as well. Moving to a new neighborhood or state might call for an adjustment in more geographically based traditions.
2. Stress. If following a tradition causes stress, anxiety, and relational turmoil, or is a burden to implement or partake, you should consider eliminating or modifying the tradition. Some traditions can be streamlined to minimize stress and foster harmony in relationships. Others should be abolished altogether to make room for new traditions.
3. Boredom. If a tradition inspires “ho-hum” feelings in most of the participants, then it is likely time to rethink the tradition. It can be torturous to participate in something that is lackluster and void of any fun or excitement. Take note of the interest level of participants as you practice traditions. Also, occasionally poll participants to see if the tradition is enjoyable, beneficial, and inspiring. If no one is thrilled to take part, then add some spice or consider discontinuing the tradition.
4. Changing times. Changing times can call for changing traditions, especially as humanity progresses in areas like technology, environmental awareness, cultural & ethnic diversity. If a tradition is so far behind the times, that it is no longer relevant, consider doing a tradition makeover. Some outdated traditions might need to be decommissioned altogether.
5. Painful situations. When a tradition invokes more pain than joy over a period of time, then the tradition should be rethought. Traditions should inspire, benefit, motivate, encourage, and uplift. Sometimes, a tragedy, painful event, or change in relational status might make a tradition permanently difficult or impossible to continue. Death does not necessarily dictate the end of a tradition. When loved ones are lost who participated in a tradition, observing the tradition might be difficult for the first few times, but ultimately, the loved one's memory can live on through the continuance of the tradition.

Good traditions to keep:

1. Legacy. Because the truest definition of a tradition is an action or behavior that has been passed down from generation to generation, traditions that perpetuate family legacy are good traditions to keep. A good tradition considers future generations and promotes generational inclusion, sharing, and learning.
2. Relevant. Relevant traditions consider the times and the culture. Traditions should be relevant and current in approach, even if the tradition itself dates back for decades, even centuries. Update traditions based on changes in technology, environment, economy, and culture.
3. Spiritually based. It is good to have traditions that are spiritually based. These traditions help keep you grounded, focused, and connected to God. Traditions that reinforce your faith are good traditions to keep.
4. Charitable. Rituals that give back to the community and help others are always keepers. Family traditions of service and donations promote a wonderful legacy of altruistic acts of kindness.
5. Enjoyable. The best traditions are those that are not painful, stressful, or boring for the participants. A tradition should foster joy, reduce stress, and provide some level of excitement in some significant way. If a tradition is enjoyable and beneficial, it is a good one to keep.

As you assess whether to update, eliminate, or replace a tradition, consider major life events, future generations, and changing times. If the tradition promotes legacy, and is relevant, spiritually based, charitable, or enjoyable, keep it. If it is not, consider a new approach to an old practice.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Coach Couch

 

Balance

      
I was recently a panelist for my sorority workshop on balance. (The dynamic ladies of Delta Sigma Theta, in case you were wondering.) As I pondered my discussion points, I thought about balance in my own life. Achieving a sense of balance can be challenging for us "independent", progressive, active, 21st century woman. I use quotes around "independent", because even married ladies tend to be independent, superwomen, who believe, like most ladies, that they can conquer the world without experiencing burnout. Men, who are usually very focused, tend to experience less burnout and maintain a better balance.

For most ladies and some men, just normal, day-to-day activities of working and caring for a home (single or married) can wear you down and stress you out. If you add church and community activities, you could have a total meltdown if you do not have balance. Having balance is essential to a healthy lifestyle and healthy relationships. If you do not maintain balance, you cannot be effective for anyone or anything, including yourself. In order to maintain balance in your life, you must know your limits, prioritize your activities, learn to just say "no", and re-energize yourself to be effective to self and others.

Know your limits. The first step to achieving and maintaining balance is to know your limits. Do not take on more than you can handle. Make an assessment of what you can and cannot handle based on your lifestyle. Parents with young children should take on fewer non-family or non-children oriented activities because the amount of time and attention babies and young children require. As the children age, the parents can pursue additional endeavors. Single persons with no children can handle more activities than married persons and/or parents. Retired persons can handle more activities than those still working. Persons with more demanding careers cannot do as many non-work related activities as persons whose careers are less demanding. Know what works for you and your stage of life and your direct responsibilities.

Prioritize. Prioritizing is key to achieving and maintaining balance. Activities should be pursued in order of importance. The essential order of importance should be (1) God, (2) family, (3) work/purpose, and (4) other activities. A couple things to note here: First, God and church are not the same. “God” here means relationship with God not church activities. If your relationship with God is number one in importance, then balance is much easier to achieve and all other relationships and activities fall into place. Church activities should fall in the “other activities” category in order of importance. Second, family priority can be split into sub-categories of spouse (first) and children (second). This does not mean neglect children’s needs to care for your spouse. It means considering, honoring, and respecting your spouse in all of your decisions. When prioritizing family, work/purpose, and other activities, a distinction should be made between something that you want to do and something you have to do. If time is a factor, always err on the side of what needs to be done. Also, primary needs, like food, shelter, and safety are more important than secondary (and lower) needs.

Just say "no". When confronted with a task or activity for which you have not prioritized, or you simply do not have the motivation or energy to do (if not doing it will not put you or others in deficit, detriment, or danger), just say, "No." Saying "yes" when you really mean "no" can leave you feeling stressed out, angry, and resentful . Save yourself future anguish, and just say, "No." Saying "no" can bring on feelings of guilt, especially with loved ones, because of the sense of obligation tied to fulfilling the request. Set boundaries and be clear and concise in communicating those boundaries. This will help alleviate the guilt that can come with saying "no". Saying "yes" when you really mean, desire, or need to say "no" can zap your time and energy that should be used on something for which you have prioritized. In order to achieve and maintain balance, learn to just say, "No". When you do say, "Yes", be a person of your word and follow through. Let your "yes" be "yes" and your "no" be "no".

Re-energize. You will be constantly exhausted and depleted of energy if you never stop to re-energize. A simple solution to extreme or chronic fatigue is consistent and sufficient rest. Three to four hours of sleep every night for a month just will not cut it. In order to effective in your areas of prioroty, you must make time for sufficient self-care. Think about one of the safety instructions given to passengers on a plane: "In the event of a change in cabin pressure, your oxygen masks will drop from the cieling above you. Before you help others with thier masks, put your mask on first." This a good way to view the role of self-care in helping others and prioritizing activities. If you are not sufficiently cared for and rested, you will not have energy to pray, care for your family, work, or engage in other activities. Take time to regularly re-energize yourself through proper rest, pampering, grooming, and solitiude. When you do, you will operate more effectively in areas most important to you.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach
 
         

Plan B

  

A recent news story caught my attention. A local Atlanta woman, who was six months pregnant, who wanted the H1N1 vaccination, was having difficulty finding a place that had the vaccination in supply. The reporter asked her what she would do if she could not get the vaccination. She replied, "Go to 'Plan B': It’s in God’s hands."

I thought it was interesting that the woman thought her primary plan of being vaccinated was better than the plan of trusting God to be protected from the H1N1 virus. Isn't that how many of us operate our lives? God becomes the afterthought instead of the forethought. God is "Plan B". After we have set our "Plan A" into motion and it doesn't work out like we want, we then look to God. God's plan for our lives should be "Plan A" not "Plan B". In all reality, "Plan B" should be non-existent, or at least null and void, once you get the revelation that God's plan for your life is the only REAL plan. God's plan is "Plan A", the course on which He places you.

Persisting with "Plan A" is often challenging. We want to hurry things along or give up when things don't seem to be going as they should. We want to switch to another plan ("Plan B"). Remember, many are the plans of man, but only the counsel of God will stand (Proverbs 19:21). Our ways are not His ways. Our thoughts are not His thoughts. And most importantly, our plans are not His plans. And His plans are always better. If God gave you a vision, He will bring it to pass, even when it seems like it's never going to happen. I like to say, when in doubt, darkness, and despair, trust God for the outcome. God will not steer you wrong. Stick to the plan - "Plan A" - God's plan. Remember, every delay is not a denial, and some denials are just delays! Don't give up!

In order to follow "Plan A", you must identify "Plan A", eliminate "Plan B" distractions, focus on "Plan A" related activities, be persistent (stick to the plan), and trust God for the outcome of "Plan A".

Identify - "Plan A" is God's plan, created just for you. The best way to discover God's plan is through God's Word and prayer. God's Word provides a blueprint of how to approach life, relationships, work, finances, childrearing, and much more. Through prayer, you can discover how to apply God's blueprint to your personal situations, circumstances, and lifestyle. If you are having difficulty identifying "Plan A", know that "Plan A" always involves God - God's will, God's willingness, God's Word, God's ways, God's wisdom, God's work, God's wants. If your plan is void of God, and full of self, then it's likely not the plan that should be implemented.

Eliminate – Once you have identified “Plan A” – God’s plan for you, it is essential to eradicate all distractions not related to the plan. “Plan B” activities divert your attention from what is really important. “Plan B” actions can derail you and stress you out in the long run. Usually, when “Plan B” is followed, you are really taking the “scenic route” to “Plan A” anyway. “Plan B” typically either fails or takes you down the wrong path. If you discard “Plan B” and focus on “Plan A”, you can operate in more confidence and peace and less stress and distress.

Focus - You must have a "Plan A" only philosophy, to actually see "Plan A" through to its end with no distractions. Your life should be centered on activities that are related to "Plan A". If God called you to be an educator, then read education related books; take education related courses; attend education related workshops, conferences, and seminars; network with and befriend people who are also called to or operating in the education area. Be education focused. Having various options within your "Plan A" area is not the same as having a "Plan B". Choose wisely and purposefully. Keep "Plan A" in mind when various options and opportunities present themselves. Give yourself a little break. Vacations and recreation activities do not have to be "Plan A" related -- at least not always (smile). Sometimes, you just want to take a trip and not have to worry about going to a little village in Africa on vacation, because your calling is to help find a cure for AIDS. Take time to relax and enjoy life, too, but always be "Plan A" minded.

Persist - Do not be dismayed when "Plan A" seems to be delayed or not going as you envision it. Stay on course. Don't give up. Know that "Plan A" will come to pass. It's at the moment that we are ready to give up that things start to happen. Hang in there! Remember, persistence pays off in the long run. Keep your eyes on the prize. “Plan A” is a failsafe plan!

Trust - God will bring His vision for your life to pass if you seek and trust Him. He planted the seed (desires, gifts, passions, and calling) in you. He will water the seed and cause it to grow. You must fully rely on Him. Delays in our visions come for many reasons: growth, tests, strength, preparation, perseverance. Most of all, delays increase our faith and dependence of God.

Stay on course! Stick to "Plan A". Ditch "Plan B". When we operate under a "Plan A Only" philosophy", we are less distracted, more focused, and completely reliant on God.


Jacinta M. Gray
The Couch Coach

  

Papers

      
R&B Artist Usher has a new song out called "Papers", closely chronicling the events and circumstances leading to his recent divorce from his wife of two years. In the song, Usher talks about all of the drama that led him and his wife to the point of getting ready to sign their divorce papers. Although, he loved her, he felt he no option but to sign the "papers". What if he had other options?

What if the same effort, attention, energy, emotion, passion, intent, consultation, and celebration went into marriage as it does into divorce? What if people did more on the front-end in preparation for marriage and more during the marriage to maintain it? Would there be fewer "papers", less broken covenants and more lasting, lifetime bonds?

Quickie Marriages and Quickie Divorces

Many couples, high from the euphoria of "falling in love", marry only after a short time of dating. Some couples skip or breeze through the dating and courting phases and move rapidly into engagement, in which the focus is on the wedding (not the relationship or the marriage). Some couples expedite marriage by eloping or flying to Vegas to have a small, quick ceremony in a chapel on the Strip. As a society, we tend to move too quickly into and out of marriage. If more preparation was done on the front-end, fewer poorly matched people would get married and there would be fewer divorces.

The legal system has made getting a divorce easy with no-fault and uncontested divorces. In these cases, the dissolution of a marriage does not require an allegation or proof of fault of either party. The application for divorce can be made by either party or by both parties jointly. Under the no-fault divorce systems, grounds for divorce include incompatibility, irreconcilable differences, and irremediable breakdown of the marriage. Quickie divorces include those that are fast and easy to get, as well as those where not much thought and effort went into planning to get a divorce in the first place. If more effort went into finding a compatible mate, working through marital strife, and building up marriages than getting quickie divorces, then there would be fewer quickie divorces and more lasting, loving marriages.

Stay & Play vs. Leave & Cleave

The Bible says that when a couple marries, a man leaves his mother and father, and cleaves to his wife, and the two become one flesh. When a couple marries, the two must become one cohesive unit, which is not infiltrated or negatively impacted or influenced by external forces. The couple becomes its own primary family, and their respective families of origin become secondary. Other family members and friends, hobbies and interests, and former habits and practices now are lower in hierarchy and priority for the couple. The order of importance should be God, spouse, children, work, and then other interests. (A note of caution here: “God” means relationship with God, not church and church activities. Church and church activities fall under work or other interests, as applicable.)

Couples must establish values, practices, and traditions that are unique to the new primary family, which may or may not include those from either’s family of origin. The couple should agree on how the new primary family should function and how individual interests factor into the new family framework. Big problems occur almost immediately in marriages when one or both persons continue living life as usual – still living as a single person. Decisions are made in a vacuum without consulting or considering the other person. In some cases, there is a “mine is mine, yours is yours” attitude. Outside interests still take a higher priority over one’s spouse. Other family members and friends are consulted instead of the spouse when problems and issues occur. When they marry, couples must work together as a new family unit by consulting one another and mutually creating, honoring, and respecting the new family values, practices, and traditions.

Irreconcilable Differences vs. Conciliatory Actions

The concept of irreconcilable differences provides a possible ground for divorce. Often irreconcilable differences are used as justification for a no-fault divorce. Irreconcilable differences are differences between spouses that are considered sufficiently severe enough to make married life together virtually impossible. Irreconcilable differences are easily accepted in many cases as grounds for divorce with no dispute from a judge. Having irreconcilable differences means that a couple has gotten to the point in their marriage that they are no longer are willing to work through issues. Often the couple has been bickering for so long, they cannot not readily pinpoint what the real issue is. The real issue is deeply buried in layers of unresolved hurt and pain caused by more unresolved hurt and pain. Irreconcilable differences are generally the symptoms, not the root cause, of marital strife.

Conciliatory actions offer prevention and remedy for irreconcilable differences. Conciliatory actions are those behaviors and practices that foster a spirit of peace and perpetual reconciliation. With conciliatory actions, couples make attempts to have a meeting of minds, to be on one accord, to be on the same page, and to be in synch with one another. Sometimes that means lovingly agreeing to disagree. Just because a couple does not agree on a matter does not mean that they have to be at odds against each other. Conciliatory actions soothe hostility and pain. Conciliatory actions counter antagonism, defensiveness, and stubbornness, and foster goodwill and favor in another. Conciliatory actions preserve and restore friendship and harmony in a relationship.

Legal counsel vs. Marriage counseling

Far too many couples seek legal counsel over marriage counseling when the marital relationship has died or come impossible to handle. Divorce lawyers can be easily found via Yellow Pages, Google searches, highway billboards, TV advertisements, and word of mouth. The point at which a couple seeks legal counsel is the point at which they are unwilling to work through marital issues and reconcile. The couple has separated and/or is living separate lives. The divorce lawyer gives counsel and guidance on division of assets, alimony, and child custody. The focus of a divorce lawyer is on dissolution of the marriage rather than solutions for reconciliation.

In contrast to a divorce lawyer, a marriage counselor focuses on optimizing a couple’s relationship. A marriage counselor provides a safe, neutral environment for open dialogue between couples in which both persons can be heard. A marriage counselor helps couples identify and combat patterns and habits that perpetuate issues and cause communication breakdown and loss of affection between couples. A marriage counselor teaches couples coping strategies, communication techniques, and conflict resolution methods. A marriage counselor helps couples create activities that promote closeness and emotional bonding. With premarital counseling, a marriage counselor helps couples identify issues that could arise in the marriage based on each person’s past experiences. A marriage counselor also can help a couple determine whether they are a good fit or the timing is right for marriage. A marriage counselor provides wisdom and guidance to help couples determine whether they should move toward marriage, or in the case of some married couples, continue in a marriage. With that said, a marriage counselor is always more concerned about building up relationships not tearing them down.

Falling in Love vs. Loving

Once the honeymoon is over and the euphoria of “falling in love” dissipates, many couples feel empty, unhappy, and dissatisfied with their marriages, especially in the midst of stressful events and communication breakdown. Many couples expect the feelings that accompany “falling in love” to persist, and if they do not, they no longer desire to be in the marriage.

Love is an action not a feeling. Love is a choice to treat someone in a way that fosters positive emotions. In the dating, courting, and engagement phase, couples seem more willing to do loving actions that promote positive emotions that lead to “falling in love”. Once couples are married, they tend to minimize their efforts and do fewer loving actions. Also, getting into the routine of married life takes the focus from the giddy, “in love” feelings, and places it on the responsibilities and issues of the primary family. In order to sustain, preserve, and strengthen marriages, couples should focus on consistent, loving actions toward each other. Falling in love gets most couples married. Loving keeps them married.

Incompatible mates vs. Soul mates

Many marriages dissolve because of incompatibility. Couples either begin in a state of incompatibility or become incompatible over the course of the marriage because they take divergent paths. Having different interests, values, and views can make a couple incompatible. Having different values could especially make a couple incompatible if the two disagree on spirituality, finances, and child-rearing. However, having different interests or views does not necessarily make a couple incompatible. It is having no common interests or views that makes a couple incompatible. Incompatibility can cause tension when one person tries to force their interests, values, or views on the other.

Contrary to incompatible mates, soul mates share common interests, values, and views. Common interests, values, and views provide a foundation and a point of reference for the couple. If these commonalities are in place, the couple’s differences complement each other instead of clash. Soul mates agree on areas like spirituality, finances, and child-rearing. Soul mates support one another’s interests even when they differ. Soul mates are accepting and respectful of differing views and interests, not intolerant and dismissive. Marrying one’s soul mate would greatly decrease the chances of divorce. The problem is few couples do the appropriate upfront work to determine if they are truly soul mates, and marry anyway.

There are options, other than divorce “papers”, that couples have, in dealing with marital issues and strife. Couples should stay away from quickie marriages and quickie divorces and do more pre-planning and upfront work to determine if they should get married, and do more work in the marriage to foster a spirit of reconciliation through conciliatory actions, effective communication, and conflict management & resolution. Couples should focus on becoming a cohesive unit that respects differences, celebrates commonalities, and serves each other in love.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach