Love Nots

    

There is a popular song by Foreigner (and remade by Mariah Carey), “I Want to Know What Love Is.” The chorus to the song says,

“I wanna know what love is.
I want you to show me.
I wanna feel what love is.
I know you can show me.”

Many people focus on feeling and receiving love rather than giving love. Love is not a feeling. Love is an action word. Love is a commandment. God commands us in His Word to love Him, one another, and self. God does not force us to love Him or others. He invites us to respond to Him out of love. Love is a commandment not a mandate. Love is a commitment. Webster defines "commitment" as a deliberate action, a pledge or assignment to some particular course or use, or an agreement or pledge to do something at a future date. This sums up the essence of love. Love is deliberate, consistent, continual, enduring, and lasting. Love stands the test of time. Love is a choice. It's a conscientious effort to extend service, good will, and kind affection toward another. When we make the choice to love, we show our love to others through our actions. Love is love in action.

Understanding what love is not is just as important to effectively loving others as understanding what love is. Following is a list of ten “Love Nots”, characteristics that are not associated with love:

1. Love is not selfish. It is easy to focus on self when it comes to love, or the lack thereof. We resent others when we do not feel or see love coming from them. We pout. We feel sorry for ourselves because we are not getting the love we want or feel we deserve. Love, as modeled by God, is not selfish. It does not seek its own. True love only seeks to freely give to others with no expectation of anything in return. It doesn’t ask, “What about me?” Loves thinks of others. It asks, “What about you?” Think about the love of a newborn infant. When this innocent child is born, and is fully reliant on his or her parents for care, the parents do not say, “Well, this child cannot do a thing for us, we’ll let him starve.” Quite the contrary. The parents unconditionally love and provide for the child. This is how true love should be – without conditions or clauses that say, “I’ll love you if…” or “If you do this for me, I’ll do that for you.” Love, unselfish and true, does not have an agenda. It gives “just because”.

2. Love is not forceful. Love makes requests not demands. Love is polite, respectful, and considerate. Love does not lord over someone. It serves. Love does not insist, "When are you going to put the trash out?" It kindly asks, "Honey, do you mind putting the trash out?" Love doesn't say, "We're attending my job's holiday party." It politely requests, "Sweetie, would you like to attend my job's holiday party?" Love gives another person options. It does not box them in. Love values and considers the desires of another. It does not force its own desires on them.

3. Love is not unforgiving. Love does not hold grudges. Love does not hold resentment or ill-will in its heart toward others. Love lets go of past hurts and pains. It extinguishes the resentment and anger toward others and their behavior. It looks beyond faults. Love releases others from their responsibility for mistakes, failures, and acts of wrongdoing. Love understands that everyone has shortcomings. Love is generous in spirit. It extends grace. Love forgives when the others are not deserving of forgiveness. It cancels the debt owed by another for some past offense rendered.

4. Love is not abusive. Love is not physically or psychologically harmful. Love does not say, “This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you”, followed by physical assault. Love does not hurt. Love does not foster fear in others. Perfect love casts out fear. Love is not emotionally abusive. Love does not insult or offend another. Love does not belittle, devalue, or degrade others. Love does not knock another down, physically or verbally. Loves protects and empowers. Love values and enhances.

5. Love is not brutally honest. Love is honest, yes. However, there should be some balance between being cruelly honest and sparing someone’s feelings. Remember, love is kind. Being brutally honest does not foster a spirit of affection. It causes resentment, alienation, and deflated feelings in the other person. True love requires being slow to speak, and not saying the first thing that comes to your mind, even if it is the truth. Think about how to kindly relay the truth to others. Apply a “sugar coating”, especially with hard truths or difficult subjects. Remember, love is kind and gentle.

6. Love is not suspicious. Love is not distrustful, apprehensive, wary, guarded, skeptical, or leery of others - especially not without cause. Love does not doubt or suspect one person based on past experiences with another. It does not question motives or intentions. Love trusts. Love is not inclined to believe that something is wrong. Love does not search for the bad in others. Love believes the best in people.

7. Love is not sneaky. Love not only does not question the motives or intentions of others, but it has the best motives and intentions of its own. Love is not underhanded or devious. Love is honest and truthful. Love does not cheat or lie. Love does not mislead or omit with the purpose of misleading. Love is transparent and open. Love is clearly recognizable, without question.

8. Love is not dismissive. Love is patient, inclusive, and tolerant. Love is able to endure waiting, delay, or provocation caused or prompted by another without becoming annoyed or upset. Love is not narrow-minded. Love is able to persevere calmly, especially when faced with difficulties. Love does not exclude, discriminate or stereotype another based on differences of culture, ethnicity, personality, opinions, values, habits, preferences, goals, gender, abilities or limitations. Love treats the people who hold different views kindly and fairly. Love does not attempt to suppress the beliefs of others.

9. Love is not mean. Love does not speak unkindly to others. Love is not malicious. Love does not snap. It is not bad-tempered. Love is slow to anger. Love does not have a bad attitude or a smart-alecky reply. Love is not rude. It has manners. Love considers others more highly than itself. Love is always respectful and thoughtful of the feelings of another.

10. Love is not passive. Love never takes a holiday. Love never asks for a “pass”. Love is active. Love persists through feelings and circumstances. Love does not take a back seat to bitterness and moodiness. Love is active. It’s always “on and popping”, “wheeling and dealing”, “moving and shaking”. Love does not conveniently fade in and fade out. Love is relentless. It toughs it out through the hard times. Love is active.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. Love isn't jealous. It doesn't sing its own praises. It isn't arrogant. It isn't rude. It doesn't think about itself. It isn't irritable. It doesn't keep track of wrongs. It isn't happy when injustice is done, but it is happy with the truth. Love never stops being patient, never stops believing, never stops hoping, and never gives up. Love never comes to an end.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, God’s Word translation)

Meditate on what love is and what love is not, and you will be able to effectively show another what love really is.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach

    

Strengths and Weaknesses

 
Do you wonder why the thing that you like most about your mate, family member, co-worker, or friend is also the thing you like least about them? It is because our weaknesses are our strengths overextended. These are the same qualities on different ends of a spectrum.

You were attracted to him because of his “take charge” personality, but you discovered that he is controlling.

You like her when she is eager to please and avoids conflict, but not so much when she is a passive, pushover.

You were attracted to him because he is so “expressive”, but you discover that under pressure, he has a temper.

You like his strong will but don’t like his stubbornness.

You were attracted to her because of her “laid back” personality, but you discovered that she is lazy and unmotivated.

 You love how meticulous and orderly she is, but she has such unreasonable standards and unrealistic expectations that she seems so hard to please.

Does any of this sound familiar? You could probably identify the statements above with someone that you know.

Before you get the idea that your friends, family, and others with whom you interact are the only ones who swing on the pendulum of being attractive and being annoying, know that we all have a basic personality structure that can be seen as different sides of the same coin.

It seems that our strengths shine through when things are going smoothly, life is good, and we are happy, motivated, and energized. Conversely, our weaknesses tend to rear their ugly heads when we are stressed, unhappy, tired, feeling threatened or insecure, and life is not so good.

In light of these strengths and weaknesses, how do we effectively get along with others? We recognize that the qualities that annoy us are also actually the qualities that we love about them. We accept that they, too, have weaknesses (and strengths) like us. We lovingly and kindly remind them when they are teetering toward the weakness end of their spectrum. We acknowledge our own frailties, and admit when we are treating others unkindly or exhibiting poor behavior. We extend grace and forgiveness to others. We take the high road. We do not return weakness with weakness, but respond from our strengths. To more effectively interact with others, we can evaluate & assess, acknowledge & admit, and normalize & adjust our strengths and weaknesses.

Evaluate & Assess. List your personality strengths and weaknesses. Be honest with yourself. Poll others close to you. Think about how you respond the best and worst to others and situations. Think about when you feel good about an interaction with someone else and when you feel bad, and how your own actions contributed to those feelings. Think about how you act under stress and pressure. What do you do in crisis mode? Once you have listed your strengths and weaknesses, you can likely pair them, realizing that the two are really the same personality trait that is exhibiting itself in a more negative or positive way.

Acknowledge & Admit. Once you have identified your strengths and weaknesses, you must acknowledge that you have them, and admit to yourself and others that they do exist. This requires transparency, honesty, courage, maturity, and humility. For some of us, it is just as hard to acknowledge and admit our strengths as it is our weaknesses. We might fear being over-taxed, over-worked, over-used, underappreciated, disliked, avoided or neglected because of our strengths. We can also fear that if we acknowledge and admit our weaknesses, we might alienate others, lose friends, miss opportunities, or seem like a failure. Acknowledging and admitting your strengths and weaknesses means taking responsibility for your actions and responses, and accepting fault and blame as appropriate. When we acknowledge and admit our strengths and weaknesses, we are self-censoring, introspective, apologetic, forgiving, and humble.

Normalize & Adjust. After you have evaluated, assessed, acknowledged, and admitted your strengths and weaknesses, it’s time to normalize them into overall personality traits, and make the necessary adjustments to optimize and maximize your positive character traits and minimize your negative character traits. If you have paired “take charge” personality and bossy, your normalized personality trait would be leader. If you have paired outgoing with too talkative, your normalized personality trait would be people person. If you have paired meticulous with control freak then your normalized personality trait would be perfectionist. You get the idea. Once you’ve done the pairing and normalizing, you want to make adjustments to your responses to people and situations in a way that draws on your strengths not your weaknesses. Your ultimate goal in this phase is to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, while embracing your core character traits.

Don’t let your interaction with others be a “coin toss” with them not knowing which side of your personality to expect. Assess, evaluate, acknowledge, admit, normalize, and adjust your personality strengths and weaknesses to become more effective in your personal relationships.



Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach

 

Rewind or Fast Forward?

   
“The best prophet of the future is the past.”

The above quote was in a fortune cookie that I recently opened. As I pondered the phrase, I thought about ABC’s new television show, FlashForward, about a mysterious global event that causes everyone to see a glimpse of their lives six months from now. On the FlashForward Web site, the following questions are posed: “What if you saw your future 6 months from now? A glimpse of where you will be and who you will be with. Would you look forward to what was coming...or would you try to stop it?”

My question is: If given a choice, would you rewind back to an earlier point in your life for a “do-over”, or would you fast forward to a preferable future?

If we erase the past or fast forward to the future, we miss out on life, the joy and pain, the celebrations and challenges. Life, without the good and the bad, would be like a year without the changing of seasons. We would not appreciate the blessings that emerge from storms and tests, just like we would not appreciate Spring or Summer if we did not experience the coolness of Fall and Winter. We would take life, family, and friends for granted.

If we erased the past or fast forwarded to a preferable future, we would be shallow, without real substance or character. Life would not have taught us anything. We would not have built any lasting relationships and strengthened them through hard times. If we rewound the hands of time, we might not have the spouse we have, the children we have, or the friends we have. We might just lose it all. Some of you might say, “Good!” However, most cherish those relationships, and would miss out on many blessings if they were eliminated by changing the past.

If the past is the best predictor of the future, then what would we lose if could actually erased our past by pushing the rewind button and recording new memories? Is the preferable future we seek a result of a series of past events that geared us to a chain of actions that sets us on track to the future we want? If you never made that mistake, would you have ever tried that new thing that lead you to where you are today? And better still, would you have a better future if you hadn’t had a less desirable past? How many of us, if never challenged or tested, would ever move beyond the status quo?

Many of us, me included, would like to be able to press the fast forward button on our lives to get us to a preferred future outcome. We have been hoping, expecting, and standing in faith for so many things. We see others around us obtaining things we are hoping for or we are just tired – emotionally tired or just plain old impatient. We want to rush God or life. “Just hurry up already”, we say. If we press the fast forward button, we miss out on the refining process, in which our faith, endurance, patience, and gratitude are strengthened. We do not appreciate the steps, the process, or the pain that was involved in getting to the desirable future. If we fast forward to a preferred future, we skip the steps that prepare us for handling our future blessings. If we press fast forward, we miss out on valuable life moments. We miss out on living and learning.

Imagine waking one morning, after going to bed the night before as a 20-year old, to being a 42 year old, married parent. You have no memory of what happened in the last 22 years. You don’t know your spouse, your children, or anything about your life. Imagine how challenging it would be to relate to your family, to appreciate them, or even love them at that moment. You would have no basis for your relationships or your lives together. For you, there would be no foundation or nothing on which to anchor your life. Imagine how empty and shallow your life would be. Imagine how much you would have to learn to even be able to cope.

The next time you that you wish that you could rewind the hands of time for a “do over” (and erase and re-record), think about the lessons your past has taught you, the relationships that you have developed, the cherished memories that you have created, and the growth, maturity, and wisdom that you have received. Before you think about pushing that fast forward button to a preferable future, think about what is gained in the process of waiting. Your faith and trust in God is strengthened. Your patience and gratitude are developed. And you are prepared for your future blessings!


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach


       

Fit Faith

            
I went to class one of a 12-week step aerobics class this week. The instructor had just had a boot camp session before our step class. When I peered in on the participants, I saw them dripping with sweat as the instructor “barked out” commands for them to march-crawl across the (concrete) ground outside. Minutes later, they were back inside, continuing cardio, but the instructor did not let up one bit. I prayed that this would not be our instructor for the step class. But, lo and behold, I checked the class schedule, and none other than Ms. Boot Camp herself was indeed the instructor. My next prayer was that she would cut us some slack in the step aerobics class. NOT!!! She wore our bee-hinds out!

We all like to relish in our former, younger days when we could do 50 jumping jacks without getting out of breath; run ten laps without breaking out in a profuse sweat; go 20 times “around the world” on a bench step; or lift 200 pounds of weight without a spotter or a break. If you can still do those things, GREAT! You have stayed in shape – God bless you!

For many of us, being able to do those things again requires some reconditioning. Some of us have never done those things, and have to start from scratch – learning what works best and what does not.

As most of us know, getting and staying in shape is a process. When I left the class, I said to myself, “I have to get in shape to get in shape!” I will be working out at home to help build my stamina, which was at about 35%, to prepare for the next class. Perhaps, in class two, my stamina level will increase at least ten percentage points! The good thing about working out is, the more that you do it, the better you feel and the easier it becomes to do.

Faith, like fitness, is a process. We can get rusty with our faith just like we get rusty with our fitness. Faith must be developed, exercised, and maintained in order to effectively work. Trying to use faith in big spurts, instead of continually on a regular or daily basis, is like trying to do a fitness boot camp after ten years of not working out while expecting to get instant results and not be worn out. (No, it hasn’t been quite that long since I last worked out.) Fortunately, as with fitness, if faith is exercised regularly, you feel better, it becomes easier to do, and you get better and consistent results.

Faith is to believe that the promises of God will materialize although you do not see evidence, and to act accordingly. Faith = believing + acting. Faith is an “action noun” that must be exercised. How do we exercise faith and stay spiritually fit? When we exercise our faith, we receive it, anchor it, execute it, develop it, and sustain it.

Receive. The first step to exercise your faith is to receive it. How is faith received? By hearing and reading God’s Word, the Bible. Romans 10:17 says, “Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. If you hear something enough times, you start to believe it. The more you hear it, the more you believe it. God’s Word is designed to plant faith in us. Receiving faith is not a one-time proposition, but it is done continually as we trust and believe God. The more that we hear and read the Word, the more faith we receive in certain areas.

Anchor. Faith combines assurance and anticipation, belief and expectation. This anticipation and expectation represent hope. Our hope anchors our faith. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hope is the basis of our faith. If we don’t expect anything, we don’t get anything. Ultimately, our expectations should come from God, not man (Psalm 62:5). Man can be disappointing and unreliable, but God is faithful and true to His promises (Hebrews 10:23). Our hope is even in effect when an unanticipated blessing comes our way for which we did not explicitly pray. We are reminded of God’s faithfulness. We received the unanticipated blessing based on our expectation, as Believers, that God loves us and withholds no good thing from us (Psalm 84:11). When we exercise our faith, we anticipate God to act on our behalves.

Execute. To be authentic and true, faith must be executed. It must be seen in our actions. James 2:20 says, “Faith without works is dead.” The “works” in this passage are the corresponding actions that we pair with our trust and belief in God. When we have faith, it shows in what we do. We all have heard the saying, “If you expect rain, take an umbrella.” Adding corresponding action to our faith means that we prepare ourselves for the blessings for which we are standing in faith. We demonstrate our faith through our works by thinking the part, dressing the part, and acting the part before we actually get the part. We surround ourselves with likeminded people, those strong in their faith, who are believing and trusting God in areas like us. We consult others who have received in the areas in which we are standing in faith. When we execute our faith, we implement a plan that puts our faith in action.

Develop. God gives each of us a measure of faith that must be developed (Romans 12:3). I believe this portion of faith is what Jesus refers to in Luke 17:6 as “mustard seed” faith. What we know about seeds is that they start small, but once planted, watered, and nurtured, the seeds grow into large blossoms. Jesus references levels of faith in the Bible: no faith (Mark 4:40), little faith (Matthew 14:31), and great faith (Matthew 8:10). In Romans 14:1, Paul references “weak faith”. If we do not cultivate our faith, we can find ourselves in the “no faith” or weak faith” category. If we do cultivate and develop our faith, we can go from little, mustard seed faith to great faith. As we develop our faith, we trust God for bigger and better, greater and grander, in our relationships, on our jobs, in our finances, in our ministries, in our spiritual lives, in our circumstances, and with our health. Developing our faith means moving from small to sufficient to super faith.

Sustain. Our faith is aided and sustained by prayer. Faith cannot be obtained or sustained without God’s help. When we pray, we ask God to help us in areas where our faith needs to be strengthened (Mark 9:24). Prayer is an attitude and an action that releases and maintains faith in our lives. Our acts of prayer say to God that we trust in, rely on, and believe in Him, and that we are assured that His promises are true. The more we pray, the more we believe that with God all things are possible (Mark 10:27). Through prayer, we can make seemingly impossible requests to God that He can and will fulfill (Mark 11:23-24). Through prayer, we see the results of our faith. Our faith is strengthened when God answers our prayers. We then become examples to others of faith in action, which helps develop and sustain their faith.

When we do not exercise, we can experience muscle atrophy, which is the degeneration or weakening of our muscles. If we do not exercise our faith, we can experience spiritual atrophy, which weakens our faith. Make a commitment today to exercise your faith by receiving it through the Word, anchoring it with hope, executing it with corresponding actions, and sustaining it through prayer.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach

    

The Emancipation of IT

   

One of my pet peeves is the use of the catch phrase, “It is what it is.”

Everyone says it, from the radio commentator to my co-worker to my dad. (Sorry, Vee.)

Please, let us liberate “IT”. Let’s take it out of the nice little box that we have all placed it in recently.

Your team lost. It is what it is.
Your marriage failed. It is what it is.
You got a bad review. It is what it is.
The price of tea went up in China. It is what it is.

If I hear that phrase again, I will scream.

Arrggghh!!!! Someone just said it!

Why does this phrase cause me so much consternation? Because it is a very limiting phrase. By saying “It is what it is”, we limit ourselves to the present situation. We leave no room for improvement, progress, or change. I like to say in reply to “It is what it is”, “It was what it was and it will be what it can be.” Quite a mouthful, but a far more positive confession.

Let’s take the limits off ourselves and give “IT” a fighting chance.

I will not argue that with some things, “IT” really is what it is. Like God, He is who He is. He is unchangeable. And we certainly cannot put Him in a box. His ways are not our ways, and we will never fully comprehend Him. I am an African American woman – “IT” is what it is. But even in those things that truly cannot change, we can refuse to box ourselves (or the situation) in because of the facts. I could choose to accept defeat, and say, “Well, I am a black woman. It’s hard for us. I can go but so far. We have limits.” Etc., etc. etc. Someone might have been born or diagnosed with an incurable condition. Even if the condition “is what it is”, how the person approaches circumstances and life, in light of or despite the condition, is not etched in stone.

We should not define ourselves by the facts and circumstances. We should define ourselves by the way we react to and arise above them. Again, let us refuse to settle for “IT” – no matter what the “IT” is. Regardless of the facts, let us emancipate “IT”. Let’s think of new ways of seeing the circumstances, situations, or even the facts. Everything is subject to interpretation. Why not let your interpretation be the least limiting, most positive, liberating one?

When we say, “It is what it is it is”, we let ourselves become victim to our circumstances and situations instead of victors despite them. In his book, “Think Big”, Dr. Ben Carson suggests that remaining a victim of our circumstances is a choice that:

• allows us to blame other people
• lets us blame our circumstances
• permits us to avoid responsibility for our lives
• encourages us to feel sorry for ourselves, and
• guarantees that we will stay victims

We do not have to be victims of our circumstances and situations. We can “think big” to become victors by successfully taking “IT” out of its box by:

• keeping an open mind, free of limiting thoughts
• taking ownership and stop displacing blame
• thinking of creative ways to change your situation or impacts of your situation.
• asking yourself, “What can be done differently here for a better outcome?”
• using different lenses to view the circumstances
• reminding yourself that if you are saying, "It is what it is", there is always room for improvement, change, or progress
• using your sphere of influence to help others’ circumstances change, and lastly,
• repeating after me: “It was what it was….It will be what it can be…..”

Please, just for me, set “IT” free!

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach