I heard sermon based on the book, “11 Indispensable Relationships You Can’t Be Without!” by Leonard Sweet. The author uses 11 classic figures from the Bible to detail key personal attributes that make up God's Dream Team for your life. The characters signify the types of friends you need (e.g., an editor, a true friend, a butt-kicker, a protégé, an encourager, and a back-coverer). In the sermon, the pastor stressed that being these things for someone is just as important as having these things in relationships.
In pondering who fit the bill in my life and for whom I possessed these qualities, I also thought about relationships that we could all do without, that is “dispensable relationships”. Dispensable relationships are stressful, unfruitful, unfulfilling relationships with difficult people.
Research and personal experience prove that supportive relationships are good for your emotional and physical health. Contrarily, ongoing, negative relationships with difficult people are actually detrimental to your health.
I thought of seven difficult relationships that we can all do without:
º Backstabber – This type of person will attempt to discredit you or unfairly attack you through deceitfulness. Backstabbers are sneaky and underhanded. They will betray you when given an opportunity. This is someone you cannot trust.
º Bully – Bullies are aggressive, overbearing, and intimidating, especially to those that they perceive as being weaker. Bullies are usually compensating for their own weaknesses and insecurities. They will generally attack when they feel threatened in some way by another.
º Complainer – This type of person is a consummate fault finder. The Complainer has a lot to grumble about. This person is seldom happy and usually lacks contentment. The Complainer rarely has praise, compliments, or commendation for someone or something else. Complainers are quick to point our problems, but they offer no solutions.
º Complier – The Complier may seem like the least difficult person in the group. The Complier is a “Yes Man”, who is always agreeable and never challenging. A Complier will agree with you to be liked or socially accepted. Compliers do not strengthen relationships, because they typically do not have anything to add. Compliers may actually cause codependency because they say what you want to hear. They may also rouse bullying behavior in you because of their passive nature.
º Drainer – This type of person sucks your energy, resources, and time. A drainer is a user with nothing to offer in return. The drainer may not be recognizable initially, because he or she gradually depletes you to the point of complete exhaustion. If you feel worn out and used up by a relationship, the person with whom you are interacting is likely a Drainer.
º Know-it-all – There are two types of Know-It-All’s: a “true expert” and “pretentious expert”. Both are annoying and neither is fully informed. The “true expert” has a depth and breadth of knowledge, but has a corresponding arrogance. The “true expert” likes to boast their intelligence and make others feel less superior when they are not knowledgeable on a subject. The “pretentious expert” is partially or minimally informed on a number of subjects, and shares what little they do know to make themselves look good – even if what they are sharing is not 100% accurate. Both types of Know-It-All’s are ego-driven, and not interested in truly helping others.
º Pessimist – This type of person always sees the glass as “half empty”. They look at what is wrong, missing, deficient, or lacking in a person or situation. The Pessimist sticks with the status quo and does not desire progress or change. The Pessimist is often filled with hopelessness and helplessness. The outlook is generally grim with this person.
º Backstabber – This type of person will attempt to discredit you or unfairly attack you through deceitfulness. Backstabbers are sneaky and underhanded. They will betray you when given an opportunity. This is someone you cannot trust.
º Bully – Bullies are aggressive, overbearing, and intimidating, especially to those that they perceive as being weaker. Bullies are usually compensating for their own weaknesses and insecurities. They will generally attack when they feel threatened in some way by another.
º Complainer – This type of person is a consummate fault finder. The Complainer has a lot to grumble about. This person is seldom happy and usually lacks contentment. The Complainer rarely has praise, compliments, or commendation for someone or something else. Complainers are quick to point our problems, but they offer no solutions.
º Complier – The Complier may seem like the least difficult person in the group. The Complier is a “Yes Man”, who is always agreeable and never challenging. A Complier will agree with you to be liked or socially accepted. Compliers do not strengthen relationships, because they typically do not have anything to add. Compliers may actually cause codependency because they say what you want to hear. They may also rouse bullying behavior in you because of their passive nature.
º Drainer – This type of person sucks your energy, resources, and time. A drainer is a user with nothing to offer in return. The drainer may not be recognizable initially, because he or she gradually depletes you to the point of complete exhaustion. If you feel worn out and used up by a relationship, the person with whom you are interacting is likely a Drainer.
º Know-it-all – There are two types of Know-It-All’s: a “true expert” and “pretentious expert”. Both are annoying and neither is fully informed. The “true expert” has a depth and breadth of knowledge, but has a corresponding arrogance. The “true expert” likes to boast their intelligence and make others feel less superior when they are not knowledgeable on a subject. The “pretentious expert” is partially or minimally informed on a number of subjects, and shares what little they do know to make themselves look good – even if what they are sharing is not 100% accurate. Both types of Know-It-All’s are ego-driven, and not interested in truly helping others.
º Pessimist – This type of person always sees the glass as “half empty”. They look at what is wrong, missing, deficient, or lacking in a person or situation. The Pessimist sticks with the status quo and does not desire progress or change. The Pessimist is often filled with hopelessness and helplessness. The outlook is generally grim with this person.
After assessing the relationships in your life, you might identify some of these difficult relationships. To diminish or eliminate these types of dispensable relationships, follow these steps:
1. Examine yourself. Do not be quick to judge. First, look at your own behavior when interacting with others. It is important for us not to be a “dispensable” friend to someone else. Are you mirroring someone else’s negative behavior and projecting that behavior in other relationships? Do you have negative behavior of your own?
1. Examine yourself. Do not be quick to judge. First, look at your own behavior when interacting with others. It is important for us not to be a “dispensable” friend to someone else. Are you mirroring someone else’s negative behavior and projecting that behavior in other relationships? Do you have negative behavior of your own?
2. Know yourself. Assess, establish, and/or refine your core values. Be true to yourself. Know the type of person you want to be and the type of life you want to live.
3. Distance yourself. Reduce the amount of time spent in negative relationships. Find new friends and new interests.
4. Project yourself. Assert your independence in thought, word, and deed from dispensable relationships. Be a good example and a positive influence to others in your life.
5. Protect yourself. If you have a bad feeling about somebody, trust your instincts. If somebody betrays you, forgive the person, but be cautious about allowing the person back into your circle of trust, if ever. Do not allow yourself to be excessively used. Don’t let others drain or deplete you.
6. Surround yourself. Foster positive relationships and surround yourself with positive influences. Befriend those who help solve problems not create them. Keep company with likeminded people. Seek reciprocal relationships – not in the since of “use and be used”, but as in “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17).
7. Remind yourself. Before allowing yourself to become involved in a negative, draining, degrading, nonreciprocal, or unfruitful relationship, remind yourself that some relationships are truly dispensable.
Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach
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