Grief

  

I have not blogged in a few months, during which time, my paternal grandmother passed. Grandma was the nucleus of our family, and the person I admired the most in the world. I spent many days with my grandmother growing up (and in adulthood). You could say that I was her protégé. She was "Ms. Precise Sr." and I was "Ms. Precise Jr.", which spoke to our methodical, meticulous approach to life (inherited for me, I am sure). Having moved away from my home, Washington, DC, in 2004, I was in my new home of Atlanta when I got the news of her passing from my dad -- which I did not take well at all. I was virtually obsessed with getting on the road, in a train, on a plane -- whatever it took -- to get to my "honey" (Grandma). She was now gone, but I felt compelled to be near her physical shell in an effort to feel close to her, since I missed saying goodbye to her. I know my family thought I was a little touched, but this was GRANDMA. She would have wanted me there -- to help get things in order and plan -- that's what we did, she and I -- we were planners and doers. My honey needed me there.

I know that grief can take many forms, and I do know that I am deeply grieving my loss. I have lost close loved ones before, but nothing seems to compare to this pain. I am surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends (and I am truly blessed to still have my parents, who I love dearly), but I feel alone -- like a big chunk of me is missing. I know that my family members are going through their own grieving process, and certainly feel the loss, like me. My whole mindset has changed to focusing on understanding how to now live life without Grandma, my constant, and how to become even more like her. Having written her biography, Ella's Story, for the Celebration of Life and Homegoing program, I was reminded of the type of person that she was and the life that she lived. Grandma was a sweet, kind, giving soul, who made everyone feel special. She accomplished much and helped many. She was the epitome of "dying empty", having shared all of her gifts, resources, time, and talents with others. When I pass, I will be blessed to be called a "virtuous woman", like her. She is certainly a woman to aspire after whom to model your life!

My personal grief has taken me through a range of emotions, like anger (over losing her), sadness (over missing her), and joy (over having the opportunity to know and love her). Grief, to me, is like a lead blanket -- while it's on you, you can barely breathe or move. Everything is harder to do, and the intensity of every negative emotion, circumstance, or situation is enhanced or magnified. Worst of all, you cannot control grief -- you cannot control your feelings or reactions to negative circumstances. Even positive circumstances do not seem as positive. When you are grieving, you are indifferent and numb. Good things don't matter and bad things are that much worse. The good news is that, with each passing day, the intensity of the grief lessens, and you are able to eventually return to a semblance of "normal" life -- as normal as it could be without your lost loved one present.

During the beginning of my grieving process, I was emotional, depressed, and unmotivated. I really did not care to be around others (at least not for an extended period of time, and specifically larger groups of people), and I was emotionally sensitive. Wow! And, though I may have tried, I could not seem to get a handle on these emotions. I have had my good moments and I have had my bad moments. I could look at a photo of Grandma and smile or I could look at a card from her and breakdown and cry. (Even as I typed this blog, which took me months to compose, I cried, thinking about my honey.) Grief is tough, and seems to not have a specific time frame. You must give yourself time to grieve, and communicate to others that you are grieving and might not be your normal self and might react in unexpected ways to circumstances, situations, and even communication.

Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, or possessions, to the loss of loved ones. Many psychiatrists and psychologists have studied grief. The Kübler-Ross model, developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, details five sequential stages of grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which are commonly referred to as the "grief cycle." Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.*

**The progression of the stages of grief is:

1. Denial – "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."

In this first stage of grieving, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

2. Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"

In the second stage of grieving, we recognize that denial cannot continue, and there is a heightened awareness that the death or loss has taken place. The grieving person may become furious at the person who was lost through death, abandonment, or other severing of ties. The grieving person, when unable to find anyone in particular to blame for the loss, might blame God or "the world", for letting the loss or death happen. Self anger might occur if the person feels responsible for letting the death or loss take place, even if, nothing realistically could have prevented it.

3. Bargaining – "Just let him/her live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years with him/her."; "I will give my life savings if..."

The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay the loved one's death. The grieving person may make bargains with God. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand he/she will die, but if I could just have more time..."

4. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "He/she is not here. What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of the loved one's death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors, and spend much of the time crying and grieving. The person may also feel numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

5. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that has occurred. anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss. This stage marks the end of the grieving struggle.

Remember, grief is a process -- so give yourself time to grieve, but do depend on your support system of friends, loved ones, and spiritual and professional help, as needed, to help you through the process.

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach



*/**Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model, Kübler-Ross model, Retrieved April 28, 2010.

**Santrock, J.W. (2007). A Topical Approach to Life-Span Development. New York: McGraw-Hill. ISBN 0073382647.

**Memorial Hospital, Inc., http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE-3.html, The Stages of Grief, Retrieved April 28, 2010.