Giants

    

I recently watched the movie, “Facing the Giants”. It is a story about a high school football coach who has never led a winning season. The movie is loosely based on the Biblical story of David and Goliath, and is chockfull of “giants”, like underemployment, infertility, handicaps, and unbeatable opponents. The movie’s tagline is: NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH. In the movie, the coach is challenged to trust in the power of faith and discovers the strength to persevere through his insurmountable crises, and encourages his team members to do the same.

Like the coach and his team, you might be facing some seemingly undefeatable giants in your life. Giants are real or perceived obstacles that seem larger or more powerful than usual. Giants can be persons, events, situations, or circumstances. Facing a giant can make you feel small, weak, and vulnerable. Facing a giant can cause fear and doubt. You can conquer the giants in your life when you turn opposition into opportunity, fear into faith, doubt into determination, and a stone into a weapon.

Turn opposition into opportunity. Crisis is a unique combination of danger and opportunity. Facing your giants does not come without risk, but there is always an opportunity for change and growth. When you turn opposition into opportunity and face your giants, you create a combination of favorable circumstances and a chance for progress or advancement that you would not otherwise have. When you turn opposition into opportunity, you have a chance to overcome your giants and experience victory. If you forgo opportunity, your giants will win by default. In the midst of a crisis, when you find yourself confronted by giants, take the risk and convert opposition to opportunity.

Turn fear into faith. Fear is false evidence appearing real. When faced with giants, you can convince yourself that something is true when it really isn’t. Fear of giants leads to negative self-talk and pessimistic thinking. It’s cliché, but true: Fear is the opposite of faith. You really cannot walk in fear and faith simultaneously. You have to forgo one for the other. Faith can cause you to view your giants from a different perspective. If you size your giants up against God, they all seem small and inconsequential. With faith in God, impossible situations go from implausible to plausible. Faith replaces fear with courage. With God, all things are possible, even having the audacity to defeat the giants in your life.

Turn doubt into determination. Fear causes doubt. When you fear your giants, you start to doubt your skills, abilities, talents, and intellect. You can lose your motivation to do your best and believe the best. Doubt can shut you down and foster a defeatist attitude. The more you doubt, the less you do. When you adjust your attitude, you affect your ability to do more. Your outlook determines your outcome. Trade doubt for determination and you will be more effective in facing and defeating your giants.

Turn a stone into a weapon. In the Biblical account of the battle between David and Goliath, David, who is a man of small stature, defeats the giant Goliath with a mere slingshot and stone. When you use a stone as a weapon, figuratively speaking, you do two things: (1) You use what you have on hand to confront and conquer your giant; and (2) You make the greatest use of something small to defeat your giant. In the movie, “Facing Your Giants”, the coach’s team was facing a team of undefeated champions. Because the team was outnumbered and outsized by the champions, the team had to use brains over brawn to win the game. The football team used strategy. David used his skills with a sling to defeat his giant. As with the football team and David, God will use the unique talents and skills that He has placed in you to help you successfully confront and conquer your giants. When faced with your giants, use creativity and resourcefulness to become a victor instead of a victim.

 

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

  

Vows

    

Vows are solemn promises or pledges to perform an act, carry out an activity, or behave in a given way.

Recently, I seem to be inundated with news and examples of broken wedding vows. From luminaries to “ordinary” people, there seems to be less and less concern about upholding marriage vows in a complete or absolute way. It starts with a laugh here, a touch there, a whisper, a lunch, a text or e-mail, a heartfelt talk, or a convenient opportunity.

Wedding vows are promises that a husband and a wife make to one another on their wedding day as they enter into their marriage. Marriage is not just a legal contract, signed by all parties involved, but it is also a covenant based on those vows promised. A seal distinguishes a covenant from a contract. Under the common law, the presence of a seal indicated an unusual seriousness in the promises made in a covenant, the common law would enforce a covenant even in the absence of contractually binding consideration (i.e., the price that one person pays for another’s promise).

A covenant seal is not meant to be broken. In a marriage, this seal is meant to tightly secure and protect the vows promised on the wedding day. The problem is, not enough couples really mean the vows they promise. If they did, there would be far fewer broken vows and covenants. Couples are more interested in sticking by each other in the good times (for better, for richer, in health), and are not truly committed to working together through the hard times (for worse, for poorer, in sickness). The sacredness of the wedding vows is lost in preparation for the wedding (not preparation for the marriage); not really understanding or embracing the vows; lack of commitment to the vows; and selfishness.

Many couples recite the following traditional vows on their wedding day:

“I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; forsaking all others, until death do us part.”

Some couples veer away from the traditional vows, and they recite their own wedding vows. The essence of the traditional vows is still generally at the core of the personal vows. In order to truly understand and embrace wedding vows, couples should consider what each component of the vows mean.

I…take you to be my wife/husband

A wife is a woman to whom a man is joined in wedlock. Likewise, a husband is a man to whom a woman is joined in wedlock. Wedlock is a compound word composed of the word “wed”, which means to get married, and “lock”, which is a security device. When a man and woman wed, the two become one cohesive unit, bound in (what should be) a secure, impenetrable relationship. When a man and woman marry, they are saying that they have chosen one another to be in a safe, lasting, covenantal relationship.

To have and to hold

When a bride and groom vow to “have and to hold” each other, they are promising to protect and cover (have) and to lift and support (hold) each other. When you protect and cover your spouse, you protect their body, spirit, and soul. You have his or her back. You do not allow or bring physical harm to your spouse. You speak highly of and kindly toward your spouse in the presence of each other and others. You protect your spouse’s image, reputation, and honor. You protect your spouse’s feelings by speaking the truth in love; empathizing with him or her; and considering the impact of your words and actions on your spouse. Spouses lift and support each other by affirming and encouraging; by listening and consoling; assisting and comforting; sharing in household and family responsibilities; and participating and supporting one another in individual and shared goals.

From this day forward

Permanently, from the day that you are married, you are to lay aside your single life. From that day on, you are to consider and respect your spouse in all that you do. The problem is people either do not let go of their single ways or forget that they did on the day that they got married. Leaving the single life behind means each person leaves his or her respective family of origin to form a new primary family, in which decisions are made solely by the couple without outside influences of family and friends. “From this day forward”, your spouse is honored or consulted in personal decisions and decisions that impact the primary family. This does not mean you consult your spouse for every little decision you make (“What do I wear today?, Where should I have lunch?”, “Should I go to the spa?”). It means that you think about how your decisions reflect upon things like your spouse’s image, reputation, and feelings, your family values, your budget, your vows, your children, and your plans as a couple.

For better or for worse

Too many couples live by the motto, “When the going gets tough, the tough getting going”, instead of, “Through thick and thin”. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. has a quote, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” This can be said for marriages. The ultimate measure of a couple is not they stand in those loving moments, but where they stand when the heat is on, and there are no loving feelings to be found. Those who take their vows seriously, do whatever it takes to forge their way through the difficult times in their relationships. Couples who work through marital issues and strife, end up with a stronger bond and a thriving relationship. When couples vow and commit to “for better or for worse”, though storms may come in their relationship and their lives, they will always be one another’s shelter from the rain.

For richer, for poorer

Three parts in the traditional wedding vow speak to unconditionality in marriage: “for better, for worse”, “for richer, for poorer”, and “in sickness and in health”. When you make these vows, you are saying to your spouse that you will stick with through good times and bad times. Vowing ‘for richer, for poorer” means sticking with your spouse through lack and plenty, through fortunes and financial failures, through sound financial decisions and unwise money choices. The key to thriving in “for richer, for poorer”, is for spouses to make financial plans together, consult each other in financial decisions and purchases, and honor the family budget.

In sickness and in health

Someone dear to me asked her boyfriend at the time, if she was seriously disfigured or injured in an accident, would he stay with her. He said, “No”. How horrific and telling. Needless to say, they did not last much longer as a couple. This is someone that she knew that she could not marry. When you marry, you want to know that your spouse will be there with you “through thick and thin”, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, and if, God forbid, you were to become terminally or chronically ill or disabled. No one wants a “fair-weather” spouse. When you stand on your wedding day, and promise one another, “in sickness and in health”, you expect just that. It is important to know that you can rely on your spouse for care, support, and love during any potential illness for a lifetime.

To love and to cherish

The vow to love and to cherish your spouse is at the core of all of the vows. If you truly love and cherish your spouse, honoring all of the other vows come easily. To love your spouse means to extend kindly affection to your spouse. To love your spouse means to do loving actions toward your spouse, even when you don’t feel like it. When you cherish your spouse, you attach importance to your spouse. You appreciate, value, treasure, and prize your spouse. You show great care and concern. You take pleasure in thinking about, spending time with, and serving your spouse. You hold your spouse in highest regard with admiration and deep respect. When you love and cherish your spouse, you are devoted to and adore him or her.

Forsaking all others

When a couple vows to forsake all others, they are promising to be faithful to one another for life. Being faithful means not committing adultery or becoming physically or emotionally intimate with someone other than your spouse. It means communicating with your spouse and expressing your concerns to your spouse, instead of emotionally sharing marital issues with others, especially of the opposite sex. Far too many affairs begin because the disenchanted spouse begins to vent to someone other than his or her spouse. When you forsake all others, you do not put yourself in comprising situations. You do not have inappropriate, intimate, suggestive or sexually connotative conversations or interactions with others. When you forsake all others, you steer clear of behavior that would give even the suggestion or appearance of infidelity with others. When you forsake all others, you are loyal, dedicated, and true to your spouse.

Until death do us part

“Until death do us part” does mean just that -- marriage is for life until one spouse dies. God designed marriage to be for a lifetime. When a couple vows “until death do us part”, they are promising to commit for life, through hard times, low times, and bad times. The couple does whatever it takes to make the marriage last. The couple that has vowed “until death do us part”, perpetually communicates with one another; effectively resolves conflicts; keeps passion ignited; supports, respects, and honors each other; and resolves to stay together through “thick and thin”.

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach

       

Soul Medicine

   
"A merry heart does good like a medicine: but a broken spirit dries the bones." (Proverbs 17:22, AKJV)

A merry heart is like medicine for your soul, but sadness, depression, and despair can drain your strength. During the holiday season, you can feel lonely, hopeless, mournful, grief-stricken, or gloomy, because of the year that you’ve had, goals still unmet, loved ones lost, and relationships ended. The last thing you might feel is “happy” or “merry”. There is still time to turn things around, and end the year on a cheerful note. Consider these eight ways to bring gladness to your soul and have a merry heart:

G - Gratitude
L - Laughter
A - Attitude
D - Dancing
N -Niceness
E – Eating
S – Socializing
S – Sleep

Gratitude

My personal motto is: “In everything, find the blessing.” It's hard to be depressed or sad when you start to think about your blessings. If you focus on what you do have and not on what you don't have, gratitude is easy. A quote by an unknown author says it best: “If you haven’t all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don’t have that you wouldn’t want.” To sum that quote: be thankful, because things could be worse. That can be a hard pill for some to swallow, if your pain is raw and fresh. The comforting thought is that, even in the midst of pain and turmoil, there is always something to be thankful for. Center your heart and mind on those things to help bring gladness to your soul.

Laughter

Fun and humor can invoke laughter. Laughter makes your heart light and takes the focus off of your issues and problems. Laughter can distract you from anger, guilt, stress, and negative emotions. Laughter is even good for your health. Some health benefits of laughter include lowering blood pressure; strengthening cardiovascular functions; reducing stress hormones; improving circulation; increasing muscle flexion; boosting the respiratory system; boosting immune function; releasing endorphins; and producing a general sense of well-being. We’ve all heard the saying, “Laughter is the best medicine.” In keeping with this saying, Humor Therapy has emerged, in which the therapists see beneficial effects from the use of positive emotions associated with laughter. So, watch a comedy. Read a funny story. Listen to some jokes. Think of funny situations. Have a laugh today and help make your heart merry and your day bright.

Attitude

Attitude is everything – at least having the proper attitude is. In the midst of issues and bad circumstances, it is easy to focus on what is going wrong, instead of what is going right. It takes the same amount of energy and mental effort to be optimistic as it does to be pessimistic, but being positive carries benefits that being negative does not. Your outlook determines your outcome. If your outlook is positive, so is the outcome. Positive thoughts promote positive feelings. Positive feelings promote positive actions. When you do positive things, you feel good. And positivity is contagious. When you are positive around and toward others, they also tend to swing in the positive direction. Your attitude is your choice. Choose to think positive, happy thoughts. Happy thoughts lead to happy feelings and a merry heart.

Dancing

Dancing, like laughing, has many benefits. Dancing exercises your body, mind, and soul. Dancing can strengthen your muscles; improve your flexibility, tone, and coordination; help with weight loss; improve your posture; increase your confidence; and lift your mood. Dancing is very freeing. Try being sad, depressed, angry, or despondent while you are dancing. It’s virtually impossible. So put your dancing shoes on, and dance your way to better health and a better mood. Take a dance class, go to a party, get your praise on, celebrate!

Niceness

The Dalia Lama said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” Being kind, compassionate, and nice induces happy feelings in self and others. Acts of kindness, large and small, can go a long way in helping others feel better, and lift your own spirits in the process. The bonus is niceness begets niceness. When you are kind to others, they are kind to you. Being nice and kind to others releases the body’s “feel good” hormones, endorphins, and leads to a “helper’s high” of elated feelings. Niceness counters depression, hostility, and helplessness, and increases self-worth, happiness, and optimism. So take the time to be kind to others, to make your soul glad and your heart merry.

Eating

It might seem weird to see “Eating” as a way to have a merry heart, but food can be comforting to the soul. In Ecclesiastes, Solomon said, “So I commended pleasure, for there is nothing good for a man under the sun except to eat and to drink and to be merry, and this will stand by him in his toils throughout the days of his life which God has given him under the sun.” Imagine how you feel when you have your favorite treat. I’m sure it puts smile on your face and a little joy in your heart. I am not advocating binging, overindulging, or falling off the wagon. The point here is to treat yourself to something good and tasty. It will give your soul a lift. So, eat, drink, and be merry!

Socializing

People need people, even introverts and loners. Being around other people can lift your spirits. Social interaction can be a cure for loneliness and depression. When we are around others, we feel loved, supported, needed and included. When we interact with others, we have a sense of belonging and there’s meaning to life. Interacting with others can be therapeutic. Through conversations and sharing with others, you can obtain stress relief and emotional release. So, help to make your heart happy and merry. Get out there, and mix and mingle!

Sleep

It’s amazing how a good night’s sleep will make you feel. You awake with more energy and a better outlook. I know that I get a little grumpy when I am too sleep-deprived (food deprived, too, for that matter). Sleep is essential in rejuvenating the mind, regenerating cells, and balancing hormones, like the stress hormone, cortisol. Getting insufficient sleep causes an increase in cortisol levels, which can lead to hypertension and depression. Not only does getting a good night’s sleep decrease cortisol and stress levels, it reenergizes your body for the next day. Many of us go day after day with a sleep deficit. If your mind and body do not ever have a chance to fully recharge, then your soul, the center of your emotions, does not have an opportunity to recharge either. Get a good 7 – 9 hours of sleep per night to rejuvenate, regenerate, de-stress, and have a merry heart.

To have a glad soul and happy heart during this holiday season, be thankful for your blessings, laugh, adjust your attitude, dance, be nice, eat some good treats, get out there and socialize, and get plenty of sleep. If you do, your holidays will be merry and bright!


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach