Plateaus

       

Okay, I have gained twenty pounds. I only advanced one dress size. So everyone keeps telling me that I couldn't have gained any weight -- my height gives that illusion. Trust me, I have gained weight! I know just how it happened -- overeating the precious "bad" carbs that I was so diligent about limiting. Now, I am back on track, eating a low carb diet and infusing it with healthy carbs (for the most part). And I work out. But there is a "BUT"....BUT, I cannot seem to drop more than a couple of pounds, and as soon as I eat one of my "for the most part" carbs, those couple of pounds come right back. What's the deal? Even when I was twenty pounds lighter, I could maintain the lower weight, while occasionally straying from my low carb diet. Why am I plateauing at a weight twenty pounds higher than I was? Surely, there is room for improvement. Surely my body wants to be lighter and not stuck at this weight. A sorority sister suggested things that I could do to break this plateau and start losing weight again. Her encouragement, "You have to push it to break that plateau!!" I was all ears, of course. At this point, I am desperate.

A plateau is a period or state of little or no growth or decline. A weight-loss plateau occurs when you no longer lose weight despite continuing with your exercise and healthy-eating habits. Being stuck at a weight-loss plateau eventually happens to everyone who is trying to lose weight. Although this blog is not about weight loss plateaus per se, I thought I would research What causes a weight-loss plateau. According to the Mayo Clinic, the progression from initial weight loss to a weight-loss plateau follows a typical pattern. During the first few weeks of losing weight, a rapid drop in pounds is normal. When calories from food are reduced, the body gets needed energy by releasing its stores of glycogen, a type of carbohydrate found in the muscles and liver. Glycogen holds onto water, so when glycogen is burned for energy, it also releases the water — about 4 grams of water for every gram of glycogen — resulting in substantial weight loss that's mostly water.

A plateau occurs because your metabolism — the process of burning calories for energy — slows as you lose lean tissue (muscle). When you lose weight, you lose both fat and lean tissue. (The notion that overweight people have a slower metabolism is a myth. In general, the higher a person's weight, the higher the body's metabolic rate.) Your weight-loss efforts result in a new equilibrium with your now slower metabolism. This means that in order to lose more weight, you need to increase activity or decrease the calories you eat. Using the same approach that worked initially will maintain your weight loss, but it won't lead to more weight loss.

A plateau can occur in any area of life, not just weight loss. Following are ways to move beyond your plateau to the desired end result: 

1. PUSH. Pray until something happens - PUSH! Not only pray...persevere until something happens. Participate until something happens. Proceed until something happens. The idea here is "DO NOT STOP". Stay the course. Don't give up! Hang in there. It is the only way to break a plateau.

2. Don't be desperate. Okay, I know that I said that I am desperate, implying that I would do anything to break this plateau. Please do not follow suit in a fit of desperation. Desperation can make you try crazy things -- by crazy, I mean unreasonable and illogical (and not in the, "I am going to walk by faith" kind of "illogical" way, but in the "this is just downright stupid" kind of way). Please be reasonable and logical in your approach to breaking your plateau. Do not do anything unsafe, unwise, or imprudent to expedite the process.

3. Know it's a process. Just like reaching a plateau is part of the overall process in meeting an end goal, breaking a plateau is likewise a process. Processes take time and planning. Breaking a plateau is like having a plan within a plan. You have to map your couse for that plan by setting and keeping goals. Set SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound), and be accountable and motivated as you work to accomplish them.

4. Ramp it up! Take your efforts to the next level. If it's a workout, do one more mile on the treadmill, five more minutes on the elliptical, ten more pounds of weight, one level higher of resistance. If it's starting up a business, make one more connection, do five more hours of research, save $100 more dollars a month. If it's a ministry, spend another hour in prayer, network even more people in the same focus area, attend yet another conference, spend more time in the Word. If it's your career, go back to school, get certified, get a mentor, think of ways to make or save your company money. Whatever the area in which you are experiencing a plateau, go that extra mile, literally or figuratively, to see some change.

5. Do something differently. The smallest change can help you gain momentum and lead to the biggest results over the long haul. Change your perspective, attitude, or approach to help break your plateau. If you have plateaued long enough, you might learn that a total change in direction or effort is warranted.

6. Don't regress. Whatever you do, do not go back to old habits or your old ways of doing things.That's insanity, as you likely know. When you don't see progress for a while, it can be easy to revert back to what was comfortable, familiar, and even pleasurable (albeit, an impedance to progress). If you want old results, go back to your old ways. Otherwise, stay on the new path, doing new things.

7. Remove obstacles. To break a plateau, you have to eliminate anything that stands in your way. Remove obstacles like negativity, pessimism, lack of motivation, lack of creativity, and close-mindedness, which might prevent forward movement.

8. Ignore the evidence. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen." Sometimes, you have to ignore what you do see and hold out for what you can't see (yet). For me, it's the scale that will not budge, despite my many efforts. If I stop now, I will not lose any weight and might just gain more. Keep a "this too shall pass" attitutude. Focus more on getting to your end goal than on your present state, and you will be able to move beyond your plateau.

9. Be encouraged. Prior to a plateau, you could have been experiencing constant upward movement, even a big spike in productivity, only to be hit with a period of no progress at all. Don't be discouraged. Remember, it's part of the process. All successful people, entities, businesses and ministries have their lulls. Remain encouraged. The Book of Psalms tells us that King David encouraged himself in the Lord. This says that when things seem to not be going your way, and there is no encouragement to be had from someone else, you must encourage yourself. Encouraging yourself may not be easy, but it is necessary in staying the course and moving beyond your plateau. Encouraging yourself is remaining positive and seeing a positive end result. It is finding joy along the way.

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

Source: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/weight-loss-plateau/MY01152

    

Intentions

We expect grace based on our intentions, but we judge others based on theirs." ~Jacinta M. Gray

An intention is a decision or determination to follow a certain plan or course of action in a particular way for a particular reason. A mouthful. When it comes to intentions, you have mentally purposed to meet some goal. Intentions are funny things. They are internal resolutions to use certain means to reach an end that may never be externally acted upon. What makes intentions even more curious is that we expect grace based on our intentions, but we judge others based on theirs. If our best intentions go unacted upon, we say, "Charge it to my head and not my heart", because we want others to know that we were "well-intentioned". However, unless followed by actions, we tend to judge others based on what we perceive as their intentions. We say things like, "I thought he said he was going to do....." or "I can't believe that she didn't do what she said she was going to do." Even worse, we become "mind readers", and bestow malevolent or malicious intent upon someone who might have had the purest of intentions. While it's true that intentions can reveal one's soul, only God knows the true heart of a person. We must extend grace to others for their good intentions, as we expect and welcome the same grace from them for ours. Following are some signs to guide you when assessing the intentions of others to ensure that you do not judge them.

Signs that you are judging the intentions of others:

1. Questioning motives. If you are wondering why a person intends to act a certain way or do a certain thing, you are questioning their motives, and thereby judging their intentions. In criminal law, a motive is an indication that a person is capable of committing a crime, because they have a good enough reason to do so. When you question someone's motives, you are, in a sense, accusing a person of having mal intentions. The law distinguishes between intent and motive. Intent is purposing in your mind to do a certain act. Whereas, motive is having an actual reason to do an act. When you question someone's motives, you are establishing a basis for their actions or decisions that can very likely be untrue. Just like proof of motive is not required in a criminal prosecution, when one questions another's motives, no proof is sought -- only persecution. "Sentencing" is done based on presumed motive alone.

2. Being critical. If you are inclined to find fault with or severely judge a person's motives, you are being critical, and thereby judging their intentions. If you are doing careful or analytical evaluations, dissecting another's motives, you are being critical. When you are critical of someone's motives, you are showing disapproval and condemnation. You have already determined that the person can do no right - even worse, what they do or intend to do is wrong. You have become a censor, determining the morality of another based on your adverse opinion of his or her intentions.

3. Mind reading. A formal definition of motive is "an emotion, desire, physiological need, or similar impulse that acts as an incitement to action". If you are assuming the feelings, wishes, needs, or urges that drive a person's intentions, and ultimately, their actions, you are mind reading. When you read the mind of another with regard to their intentions, you are judging them, and likely drawing improper conclusions.

4. Holding grudges. If you are harboring unforgiveness toward a person because of their intention, you are holding a grudge and judging the person. You have decided to resent the person either on what you perceive as their intent, or because the action did not meet the expectations of the intention.

5. Playing proxy. If you are putting yourself in another's shoes, so to speak, as it relates to intentions, you are playing proxy. You're saying things like, "If I were you, I would have...." or "I definitely wouldn't have....". Playing proxy is very easy to do when you lack wisdom, understanding, insight, or empathy with regard to someone else's intentions, motivations, or actions. Since we are all individuals, we all have specific ways and reasons for doing things, which may or may not correlate to how someone else approaches things. If you are playing proxy regarding someone's intentions, you are likely judging them.

Instead of jugding the intentions of others, ask questions. Get clarity on a person's true intentions. Do not be judge, jury, and prosecutor. Stop your censorship and fault-finding mission. Know that only God really knows the heart of another. Be empathetic. Extend grace. Look inward to understand why you so readily question and judge the motives of another.

Not only should we not judge the intentions of others, it is also important to focus on one's own intentions, rather than those of another. One can be well-intentioned (i.e., having good intentions, even if producing unfortunate results) or ill-intentioned (i.e., having bad intentions; malevolent). We have all heard the phrase, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions." The key to determining which category yours falls into is to assess both purpose and outcome. Our intentions should be rightful ones with the purpose of helping, encouraging, and affirming others. We should have a desire and commitment to follow through on our intentions.

As we know, the smallest deed is better than the greatest intention. Walt Kelly, American animator and cartoonist, said, "It is not good enough for things to be planned - they still have to be done; for the intention to become a reality, energy has to be launched into operation." There is a website, intent.com, where they ask the question, "What's your intent today?", to which members post their replies. I thought about my reply...I decided on, "To be health conscious and productive." What guided my answer was the fact that I do want to age gracefully in a healthy way, so I have to make wise dietary choices. Also, I was at work, so I wanted my work day to be a productive one. That day, my food choices were healthy and my day was pretty productive. But how many times have our actions not aligned with our intentions? Following are signs of a well-intentioned person, whose "walk" matches his or her "talk" when it comes to following through on intentions.

Signs of a well-intentioned person:

1. Desire. Good intentions must start with the desire to perform or follow some course of action. Desire is an inner longing that motivates one's thoughts, and in many cases, subsequent actions. A well-intentioned person has an appetite, a thirst, a yearning to achieve a particular goal -- to follow through on a certain task. With desire comes the strong feeling that success is always within reach. Desire is that drive that pushes us toward action.

2. Commitment. With desire must come a made-up mind to see the goal through. You have to eliminate the word "try" from your vocabulary and replace it with "do". A well-intentioned person has a sense of honor and obligation, and is determined to meet a goal. He or she pledges inwardly or outwardly to follow through on a plan and remains faithful to accomplish it.

3. Purpose. Good deeds can have bad intentions, and good intentions can have bad outcomes. Even so, keep a pure heart with pure intentions, and the overall outcome will be positive. When intentions are good, but the outcome is bad, people tend to be forgiving. However, no bad intention ever ultimately turns out well, and relationships are negatively impacted when the truth is revealed -- and somehow, the truth always comes out. A well-intentioned person has a rightful purpose and good motives anchoring his or her intentions.

4. Attitude. "Attitude is everything." We've all heard it, and it is true. Your mindset really drives your actions. Your attitude can motivate you or paralyze you. In psychology, attitude is a mental position with regard to a fact or state. Attitudes reflect a tendency to classify objects and events and to react to them with some consistency. Attitude, positive or negative, is a choice. A well-intentioned person consistently chooses to think positively about propelling a plan into action to meet a desired goal.

5. Action. Intentions birth actions, but not all intentions are acted upon. A well-intentioned person applies corresponding action to a plan. He or she has that staying power to organize activity to accomplish an objective. Life can present obstacles and challenges, but a well-intentioned person remains driven and committed with a sense of purpose and the proper attitude to reach the final goal.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach
 

Personal Pentecost

   
I believe that 2011 is a year -- a season -- of PERSONAL PENTECOST for those that have been waiting for a radical change in their lives. I believe that THE WAIT IS OVER -- praise God! For those that have been patiently waiting, fervently praying, and wholeheartedly trusting God, with no seeming evidence that change is coming, YOUR TIME IS NOW. Doors will be opened. Roads will be unblocked. Prayers will manifest. Things will start happening. A fire will reignite in you. The passion will return. "Yes" will become a reality. Things will be seamless and easy....efficient and quick. The wait is over. Your time is now.

For New Testament saints, the Day of Pentecost marked a time of the dispensation of Holy Spirit, when He empowered the Disciples with spiritual gifts to perform miracles and do God's work to His glory and for His purpose. Acts 2:1-4 tells the account of when Holy Spirit came to the Disciples on the Day of Pentecost:

"When the Day of Pentecost had fully come, they were all with one accord in one place. And suddenly there came a sound from heaven, as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting. Then there appeared to them divided tongues, as of fire, and one sat upon each of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance." (NKJV)

There are many cues that you can take from the disciples' Pentecost experience, as you go through your own personal Pentecost:

1. They were all with one accord in one place. The disciples were joined together with one purpose, on one accord. Which meant they were in agreement. You must partner with those who are like-minded and tied to your purpose - and timing is everything. Had any of the disciples missed the appointed meeting place and time, they would have also missed the gifts and miracles of Holy Spirit.

2. Suddenly there came a sound from heaven. The key word here is "suddenly", like a rushing wind. Some versions say "like wildfire". Not only are things going to suddenly change for you, they are going change in a big way....a rapid way...an awe-inspiring way. Things will happen so suddenly, drastically, quickly, and phenomenally, that you (and others) will know that only God was responsible. In some cases, you will be dumbfounded. In other cases, although you won't really be surprised that it happened -- because God is faithful and true; but you will be amazed at how it happened.

3. It filled the whole house where they were sitting. No one was omitted. This time of personal Pentecost applies to everyone that has been in a holding pattern -- in waiting mode. Not only does it apply broadly, it will find you wherever you are. You will not have to search and wonder. In this time of personal Pentecost, Holy Spirit will touch you and manifest His power wherever you are.

4. Divided tongues, as of fire, sat upon each of them. Not only did Holy Spirit fill the room, but He also touched each person individually. Each disciple was touched in a unique way by Holy Spirit on the Day of Pentecost. With His divine fire, God penetrated each person's heart to give them passion, gifts, and purpose.

5. They were all filled with the Holy Spirit. After Holy Spirit touched each disciple, they were filled with Holy Spirit. You cannot be touched by Holy Spirit, and not experience His indwelling. With His filling comes power -- power to do that which you were previously unable to do. With your personal Pentecost, those already filled with Holy Spirit will experience a new power - a new power that brings new passion...new motivation...new ideas...new resources...new relationships...new venues...new outlooks.

6. They began to speak with other tongues. After being filled by Holy Spirit, the disciples started speaking in a number of different languages. They were able to understand languages that they were previously unable to comprehend. During your time of personal Pentecost, you will have the ability to communicate with people with whom you were formerly not able to communicate or in ways that you were not formerly able to communicate. You will hear more clearly from God. Your communication with God and others will be unblocked and unhindered. You will have enhanced mental clarity. Everthing will make more sense. You will have a greater understanding of issues, ideas, concepts, visions, and plans.

Embrace this season. Celebrate. Praise God. The wait is over. The time is now. The Day of (Personal) Pentecost has come!

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach

 

Through the Fire

      
I am starting this blog with a passage from the Book of Daniel, that really blessed me. I believe that it will bless you, too, if you are currently "going through the fire". From Daniel 2:19-30 (New King James Version):

19 Then Nebuchadnezzar was full of fury, and the expression on his face changed toward Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego. He spoke and commanded that they heat the furnace seven times more than it was usually heated.

20 And he commanded certain mighty men of valor who were in his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, and cast them into the burning fiery furnace.
21 Then these men were bound in their coats, their trousers, their turbans, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

22 Therefore, because the king’s command was urgent, and the furnace exceedingly hot, the flame of the fire killed those men who took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego.

23 And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

24 Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished; and he rose in haste and spoke, saying to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the midst of the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.”

25 “Look!” he answered, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.”

26 Then Nebuchadnezzar went near the mouth of the burning fiery furnace and spoke, saying, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, servants of the Most High God, come out, and come here.” Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego came from the midst of the fire.

27 And the satraps, administrators, governors, and the king’s counselors gathered together, and they saw these men on whose bodies the fire had no power; the hair of their head was not singed nor were their garments affected, and the smell of fire was not on them.

28 Nebuchadnezzar spoke, saying, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, who sent His Angel[b] and delivered His servants who trusted in Him, and they have frustrated the king’s word, and yielded their bodies, that they should not serve nor worship any god except their own God!

29 Therefore I make a decree that any people, nation, or language which speaks anything amiss against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made an ash heap; because there is no other God who can deliver like this.”

30 Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego in the province of Babylon.

King Nebuchadnezzar built a golden statue that he ordered the people under his rule to worship. Those that did not worship the statue were to be thrown into a fiery furnace:

4 Then a herald cried aloud: “To you it is commanded, O peoples, nations, and languages, 5 that at the time you hear the sound of the horn, flute, harp, lyre, and psaltery, in symphony with all kinds of music, you shall fall down and worship the gold image that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up; 6 and whoever does not fall down and worship shall be cast immediately into the midst of a burning fiery furnace.”

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego, servants of the Most High God, refused to bow down to this golden idol. And as you read in the initial passage, they were thrown into a fiery furnace.

Some things to note about going through the fire with the Most High God to encourage you:

1. Persecution will come. Life will bring its challenges, and children of the Most High God are not exempt. And it seems that persecution is guaranteed when you are doing the right things, serving a holy God. This seems counter-intuitive, but in God's kingdom, logic is surpassed and defied. Living in God's kingdom requires godly wisdom and understanding. It can be said that the Kingdom of God is oxymoronic. Love your enemies. Pray for those who spitefully use and persecute you. If someone slaps you on the right cheek, offer the other cheek also. Give to others to receive. Lose your life to gain your soul. Follow the Most High God and be persecuted. You might be saying, "Now, wait one minute, Ms. Couch Coach. I thought that this was supposed to be encouraging." Be encouraged! Though persecution comes, God always sees us through it, and we are exceeding blessed by it, as our faith is strengthened and our abundance is increased.

2. You are not alone. In Daniel 2:25, King says, “I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire; and they are not hurt, and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.” He recognizes that the "Son of Man" is on the furnace with the three men. Just like the three Hebrew men, as servants of the Most High God, you are not alone when going through the fire. He (the Most High God) is there to protect you and guide you through and out of the fire. Though God allows us to go through the fire, He doesn't make us go through it alone. He is true to His word. He will never leave or forsake you. He is with you always -- through the good and the bad. Through the fires and through the storms.

3. You are freed from bondage. God allows the fire to refine you and set you free, not to leave you bound by hurt and devastation. God allows you to go through the fire to strengthen you and emancipate you from all that held you captive before the fire. We, as children of the most High God, are referred to as [potter's] clay and as iron in the Word. Just as fire solidifies clay and makes it a usable vessel, and just as it removes the impurities from metals, so it does to us. When we go through the fire, God burns away (removes) all impurities from our past that kept us in bondage mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and socially. He, then, shapes and molds us into what He wants us to be, and solidifies us, that we might be vessels worthy to be used by Him.

4. You will not be burnt. The three men were bound in their coats, their trousers, their turbans, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace. However, the fire had no power. It was clear that it was God who had the power not the fire. The hair on the heads of the men was not singed and their garments were not affected. God protects us from the same fire that can destroy others, so that you not only will not be hurt, damaged, destroyed or killed, but you will come out liberated, purified, and strengthened. Praise God!

5. You can have a good attitude. Daniel 2:27 says, "the smell of fire was not on them." Having gone through the fiery furnace, not only were the three men not consumed by the fire, they also did not have the scent of the fire left on them. This is a powerful testimony of being able to go through trials and tribulations without having the residue of a bad attitude from having endured the experience. Instead of the expected, overpowering charcoal stench, the men had no determinable smell from going through the fire. Likewise, we, as children of the Most High God, should walk away from our challenges with a positive attitude, knowing that God was with us through the fire, has protected us from it, sustained in it, and brought us through it!

6. God will be blessed. Others will see your testimony. People will not only see that you have gone through such a trying experience unscathed, but they will also see that God's mighty hand was at work to protect you and see you out of it. You will praise and bless God as a result, and others will seek God during their trials, as well. God will be pleased, and He will be blessed through your praise!

7. You will be promoted. Daniel 2:30 says, "Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego in the province of Babylon." King Nebuchadnezzar recognized the power of the Most High God that the three men served, and they were promoted as a result. They had a better position in the kingdom after having gone through the fire than they had before. You will also be promoted to a new level after going through the fire as a child of the most High God. After the fire, you will promoted to a new level of thinking, a new level of faith, and doors will be opened for you that were not available before going through the fire. As children of the Most High God and members of God's (oxymoronic) Kingdom, the completion of our trials, tribulations, and challenges will bring increase and promotion!

James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Be encouraged! Going through the fire brings positive results!


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach
 

Grief

  

I have not blogged in a few months, during which time, my paternal grandmother passed. Grandma was the nucleus of our family, and the person I admired the most in the world. I spent many days with my grandmother growing up (and in adulthood). You could say that I was her protégé. She was "Ms. Precise Sr." and I was "Ms. Precise Jr.", which spoke to our methodical, meticulous approach to life (inherited for me, I am sure). Having moved away from my home, Washington, DC, in 2004, I was in my new home of Atlanta when I got the news of her passing from my dad -- which I did not take well at all. I was virtually obsessed with getting on the road, in a train, on a plane -- whatever it took -- to get to my "honey" (Grandma). She was now gone, but I felt compelled to be near her physical shell in an effort to feel close to her, since I missed saying goodbye to her. I know my family thought I was a little touched, but this was GRANDMA. She would have wanted me there -- to help get things in order and plan -- that's what we did, she and I -- we were planners and doers. My honey needed me there.

I know that grief can take many forms, and I do know that I am deeply grieving my loss. I have lost close loved ones before, but nothing seems to compare to this pain. I am surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends (and I am truly blessed to still have my parents, who I love dearly), but I feel alone -- like a big chunk of me is missing. I know that my family members are going through their own grieving process, and certainly feel the loss, like me. My whole mindset has changed to focusing on understanding how to now live life without Grandma, my constant, and how to become even more like her. Having written her biography, Ella's Story, for the Celebration of Life and Homegoing program, I was reminded of the type of person that she was and the life that she lived. Grandma was a sweet, kind, giving soul, who made everyone feel special. She accomplished much and helped many. She was the epitome of "dying empty", having shared all of her gifts, resources, time, and talents with others. When I pass, I will be blessed to be called a "virtuous woman", like her. She is certainly a woman to aspire after whom to model your life!

My personal grief has taken me through a range of emotions, like anger (over losing her), sadness (over missing her), and joy (over having the opportunity to know and love her). Grief, to me, is like a lead blanket -- while it's on you, you can barely breathe or move. Everything is harder to do, and the intensity of every negative emotion, circumstance, or situation is enhanced or magnified. Worst of all, you cannot control grief -- you cannot control your feelings or reactions to negative circumstances. Even positive circumstances do not seem as positive. When you are grieving, you are indifferent and numb. Good things don't matter and bad things are that much worse. The good news is that, with each passing day, the intensity of the grief lessens, and you are able to eventually return to a semblance of "normal" life -- as normal as it could be without your lost loved one present.

During the beginning of my grieving process, I was emotional, depressed, and unmotivated. I really did not care to be around others (at least not for an extended period of time, and specifically larger groups of people), and I was emotionally sensitive. Wow! And, though I may have tried, I could not seem to get a handle on these emotions. I have had my good moments and I have had my bad moments. I could look at a photo of Grandma and smile or I could look at a card from her and breakdown and cry. (Even as I typed this blog, which took me months to compose, I cried, thinking about my honey.) Grief is tough, and seems to not have a specific time frame. You must give yourself time to grieve, and communicate to others that you are grieving and might not be your normal self and might react in unexpected ways to circumstances, situations, and even communication.

Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, or possessions, to the loss of loved ones. Many psychiatrists and psychologists have studied grief. The Kübler-Ross model, developed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, details five sequential stages of grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which are commonly referred to as the "grief cycle." Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, an infertility diagnosis, as well many tragedies and disasters.*

**The progression of the stages of grief is:

1. Denial – "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."

In this first stage of grieving, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.

2. Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"

In the second stage of grieving, we recognize that denial cannot continue, and there is a heightened awareness that the death or loss has taken place. The grieving person may become furious at the person who was lost through death, abandonment, or other severing of ties. The grieving person, when unable to find anyone in particular to blame for the loss, might blame God or "the world", for letting the loss or death happen. Self anger might occur if the person feels responsible for letting the death or loss take place, even if, nothing realistically could have prevented it.

3. Bargaining – "Just let him/her live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years with him/her."; "I will give my life savings if..."

The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay the loved one's death. The grieving person may make bargains with God. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand he/she will die, but if I could just have more time..."

4. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "He/she is not here. What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of the loved one's death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors, and spend much of the time crying and grieving. The person may also feel numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

5. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that has occurred. anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss. This stage marks the end of the grieving struggle.

Remember, grief is a process -- so give yourself time to grieve, but do depend on your support system of friends, loved ones, and spiritual and professional help, as needed, to help you through the process.

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach



*/**Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model, Kübler-Ross model, Retrieved April 28, 2010.

**Santrock, J.W. (2007). A Topical Approach to Life-Span Development. New York: McGraw-Hill. ISBN 0073382647.

**Memorial Hospital, Inc., http://www.memorialhospital.org/library/general/stress-THE-3.html, The Stages of Grief, Retrieved April 28, 2010.
    

Perspective

  

It all depends on how we look at things, and not on how things are in themselves. The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it. ~Carl Jung

Today I had a change of perspective -- an "AHA!" moment, if you will. I had written, in permanent ink, at the top of bathroom mirror: 2010 is going to be a GREAT year for me! MY TIME IS COMING! This is a wonderful confession in and of itself. It speaks of hope, potential, and a preferable future. Not bad, right? What could make it even better? A slight change in perspective can make a big difference.

I was listening to the opening inspirational moments of my weekday morning radio show, and the radio personality was mentioning Joel Osteen's book, "It's Your Time". This immediately made me think of my mirror affirmation: "MY TIME IS COMING!" I said to myself, "Wait a minute. My time isn't coming. My time is now!" I immediately took the glass cleaner from the cabinet under the sink, and wiped away my former confession. With my mirror affirmation changed to: "IT'S MY TIME IS NOW!", I now had a new perspective and a renewed since of direction and purpose. I felt refreshed! A small change in perspective can make a big difference. Instead of "my time" being this wonderful future prospect, always just out of reach (but on its way), it was now here and viable. With a perspective change from "out there and possible" to "right here and viable", possibilities seem more tangible rather than just something to which to aspire.

Perspective is based on perception and is relative, personal, and specific. We do not see things are they really are, we see them through the lenses of our beliefs, fears, previous experiences, and feelings. Perspective is based on degrees or measurements, like intensity, duration, and distance. How painful, exciting, compelling, or long something is generally depends on one's personal perspective. What is painful for one person might be strengthening or motivating to another. What seems like an eternity to one person might seem like minutes to another. How you view life (its events, circumstances, and related feelings) can either propel you or paralyze you. Perception can affect an end result. If you have a change in perception, you can have a change in results. Your outlook determines your outcome. You can change perception by changing meaning, value, relevance, and/or facts.

In psychological terms, a change in perspective is called "reframing". The concept of reframing is that you have a choice in how you interpret or view situations and circumstances. Reframing can help you view a problem as an opportunity; a weakness as a strength; or an impossibility as a possibility. With reframing, you change perspective by putting a positive spin on something viewed as negative. There are two basic kinds of reframing: context reframing and content reframing. We make meaning of facts and circumstances by making assumptions or inferences about them. Meaning depends on how we view context and content, so you control the context or content of something by changing its meaning. When you change your perspective through reframing, you change negative assumptions and inferences about facts and circumstances into positive ones.

Context reframing is changing the meaning of a situation by changing its context. With this type of change in perspective, you take a behavior, experience or attribute that seems to be negative, not useful, and distressing, and show how the same behavior, experience or attribute can be useful in another context or situation. With context reframing, you ask yourself, "In what context (or situations), can this have value or be useful?" For example, instead of saying, "My son talks too much", say, "My son is going to grow up to be a great speaker!" Context reframing focuses on how the current circumstances, behavior or feelings can be beneficial in a different time or place. If you change the context, you change your perspective.

Our perception causes us to give situations or circumstances a specific meaning, which may or may not be true. Content reframing is simply changing the meaning of a situation. The situation, attribute or behavior stays the same, but the meaning is changed and takes on a positive value. Content reframing can be used to change a negative idea or belief into something useful. With content reframing, you ask yourself, "What else could this mean? In what way, could this be positive?" For example, instead of saying, "I did not get that job. I must have done terribly on that interview", say, "I didn't get that job. There must be a great opportunity awaiting me!" If you change the content, you change your perspective.

Just like a different frame changes the appearance of a picture, reframing changes your perspective. Follow this advice, to help reframe your perspective and cause a positive shift in your thinking:

1. Ask yourself: "What's the worst that could happen?" Then, assess the likelihood of it actually happening. You will find that it is either not likely to happen or not as bad as you thought.

2. Avoid "all-or-nothing" thinking and generalizations by eliminating the use of extreme terms like "never", "always", "all of", "none of", “everybody, and “nobody”. Again, things are usually not as bad as they seem. Think of exceptions, of times when the situation was different.

3. Minimize intensity, duration, distance to make situations and circumstances more tolerable. Remember, nothing lasts forever. This too shall pass, so change your mindset to that effect.

4. Be a "glass half full" person. Ask yourself, "What is the positive value in this situation?"

5. Look for alternate explanations for situations, circumstances, and behaviors. Ask yourself, "What else can this mean?"

6. Examine the evidence. Usually, if you think about it, there is no real evidence to support your bleak or negative outlook. It is just as easy to think positively as it is to think negatively, but with far better results. Think about what is right about a situation, not about what is bad. Think about what you do have, not what you don't have. Think about what you can do, not what you cannot do.

7. Expand your scope. Have a panoramic view of things. Look at the "big picture". In isolation, something can seem really bad, but when seen in the grander scheme of things, it can seem quite insignificant. Don't sweat the small stuff!

8. Expect the best and prepare for the best (not the worst). Oft times, we are too focused on the bad that could happen, and we brace ourselves for it. Your results are directly tied to your preparation. Shift your prep work to focus on getting the best results not the worst.

9. Challenge distorted beliefs. Examine the source of your negative outlook. Be open to new ideas and concepts that will help you change your "stinking thinking".

10. See the possibilities. Instead of seeing roadblocks, see possibilities. Once you see the possibilities, bring them within arms’ reach. Something always on its way may never get there. Once it is up close and personal, it becomes more tangible and realistic.

As I think about it, I think I will change the first part of my mirror affirmation from "2010 is going to be a GREAT year for me!" to "2010 is a GREAT year for me!" It's all about perspective!

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

Freedom

      

"I'm taking my freedom, pulling it off the shelf, putting it on my chain, wearing it 'round my neck." (Jill Scott, Golden)

How many people feel like Jill Scott's song, "Golden", is their theme song? I love that song! In it, Jill expresses the liberating feelings of walking in her freedom. She is wearing her freedom around her neck and putting it a song. She's got joy and is representing God's glory. Wow! As I sing along with the song, I feel the power of the lyrics. "I'm living my life like it's golden!" What a confession! What benefits of living a life of freedom! How is this "Golden Life" possible? How can you walk daily in the freedom that God created you for? You have to learn to find freedom in your individuality, relationship with Christ, and purpose for your life. You have to be free from expectations, excuses, and criticism.

1. Freedom in Individuality

The most important way to walk in freedom is to know who you are. You must be fully aware of self, and then fully be that person that you know you are. There is bondage in conformity, especially when it comes to personality, personal endeavors, and personal pursuits. Be able to express your likes and dislikes, values and views, morals and standards, desires and dreams, plans and goals. In modern vernacular, "Do you!" And in the words of William Shakespeare in "Hamlet": "This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." If you are being authentically and transparently you, this is the “you” that you present to others. There is such freedom in being true to yourself. When you are true to yourself, you do not have to put on fronts or airs or wear masks. But you can present your true self to others instead of the watered-down, representative version of you. Presenting your true self to others and walking in your individuality requires introspection, acknowledgment, confidence, and sometimes even courage. When you are your true self instead of being what others would like you to be, you risk rejection, discouragement, alienation, and unpopularity. News alert: THIS IS OKAY. Not everyone is going to like you anyway, whether you are being true to yourself or not. You might as well be your authentic self and attract friends based on who you really are. Walk in the freedom of individuality. Be your true self at all times.

2. Freedom from Expectations

Expectations can be a way of controlling relationships by demanding another person act in a certain way based on your relationship with them. In order to walk in freedom from expectations, you must not only not have unreasonable expectations of others, but you must also not expect to fully meet the expectations of others, as expectations are never 100% fully met. The problem with expectations is that you always have more expectations. Expectations birth expectations and lead to perpetual dissatisfaction, because there is never an end to the expectations. Having expectations of others or trying to meet the expectations of others can be a vicious cycle. When we have expectations of another, especially unreasonable and unexpressed expectations, we expect others to read our minds, and know our desired future or expected outcome or results. We create self-induced disappointment and undue stress and strain on relationships. Likewise, when we try to live up to the expectations others, we seldom do, and we continually disappoint. Walk in freedom from expectations – yours and others. Expect less, accept more.

3. Freedom from Excuses

Anyone who has pledged a fraternity or sorority can quote this or some other variation of Excuses: “Excuses are tools of incompetence, used to build monuments of nothingness, and those who specialize in them seldom accomplish anything.” Nothing is more liberating than taking the excuses out of life. Excuses are limiting to self and others. Excuses are designed to justify behavior or feelings in a way that makes it appear more acceptable or less offensive. Excuses are false reasons that enable you to do something you want to do or avoid something you do not want to do. By their nature, excuses are meant to be cover ups for true behavior, feelings, or intent. Excuses are lies we tell ourselves to avoid dealing with unpleasant truths. Liberate yourself. Do not justify and cover up, but provide explanations, valid reasons, and clarity of thought, feelings, actions, and intent. Eliminate self-limiting excuses like, “I don’t have enough time…”, “I don’t have enough experience...”, “I don’t have enough money….”, and “I don’t have enough energy…”. Walk in freedom from excuses. Be straightforward and truthful with yourself and others. Supply valid reasons and explanations in a clear, concise, honest way.

4. Freedom from Criticism

Many times, people put way too much emphasis on what others think about them. They are concerned about what others think about them, including their behavior, appearance, and lifestyle. Emotions can flare based on the expressed criticism of others. When we respond to criticism, good or bad, we are letting others control our emotional responses. “I am happy if…..” “I am angry if….” I am sad if……” When we let criticism - whether in the form of dissatisfaction, assessment, or critique - control us, we are in bondage and captive to the approval of others. Criticism in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. Constructive criticism can be requested, welcomed, and whole-heartedly received. However, when criticism, requested or not, constructive or not, is allowed to impact our emotions, we are not walking freedom from criticism. When we receive criticism, we can assess its validity and act according, making adjustments as needed. However, we should be more concerned about living godly, moral lives, and focus on what God thinks about us rather than what people think about us. Walk in freedom from criticism. Do not let what others deem as wrong or unacceptable (or even right or acceptable) control you.

5. Freedom in Purpose

When you know what God created you to do, you can walk in the freedom of your purpose. You are not boxed into working a job that you don’t want to work or in a field that is of no interest to you. When you walk in freedom of purpose, you are not defined by your family’s or society’s expectations of what you should do or become. When you are pursuing your purpose, you feel valuable, important, and needed, because God created a niche just for you. If you are working at a job or in a position, and asking yourself, “Why am I really here?”, it could be because you are not walking in your purpose. If you feel stuck, boxed in, unmotivated, and limited, you might not be walking in your purpose. Seek God for His purpose for your life, and then take the necessary steps (which is usually a process) to walk in that purpose. Walk in freedom of purpose. Do what God created you to do.

6. Freedom in Christ

If you are a Christian, then you can walk in the freedom of your identity in Christ. You can walk in confidence knowing who you are because of whose you are – a child of God saved by grace. When you walk in the freedom of your identity in Christ, you can walk in the assurance of being the righteousness of God through Christ; redeemed by His blood; free from condemnation; covered by grace; showered with favor; having things worked out for your benefit; the salt of the earth; the light of the world; a temple of the Holy Spirit; and God’s handiwork. When you acknowledge your identity in Christ, you know that you are valued and loved. You do not have to seek validation in and through others. When you walk in the freedom of Christ, you are free to be who God created you to be with confidence. You walk in your uniqueness and purpose, free from expectations, excuses, and criticism.

Come on and sing with me.....

I'm taking my freedom
Pulling it off the shelf
Putting it on my chain
Wearing it 'round my neck
I'm taking my freedom
Putting it in my car
Wherever I choose to go
It will take me far
I'm…
Living my life like it's golden

I'm taking my own freedom
Putting it in my song
Singing loud and strong
Grooving all day long
I'm taking my freedom
Putting it in my stroll
I’ll be high-stepping ya'll
Letting the joy unfold
I'm…
Living my life like it's golden

I'm holding on to my freedom
Can't take it from me
I was born into it and it comes naturally
I'm strumming my own freedom
Playing the God in me
Representing His glory
Hope He's proud of me!
Yeah!

Living my life, like it's golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, golden.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach