Roadblocks

      

Talk about roadblocks - it only took me five weeks to complete this weekly blog. For some reason, I have been suffering from writer's block. (I am sure all of my fellow writers know the feeling!) Thankfully, I was able to move beyond my "writer's block" roadblock to finally complete this blog. Now, I have plenty of writing to do to catch up. But thankfully, I have a few weeks worth of topics from which to choose.

Have you ever felt like no matter what you do to progress, take the next step (or even the first step), move to the next level, or succeed, you hit a roadblock every time? Have you ever experienced nothing (I mean, nothing) ever working out for you? Have you thought to yourself, "What am I doing wrong?" or "Why isn't this working?"

We all have felt this way to varying degrees in some particular area at some point in time. Life is not without its challenges for any of us. We all encounter roadblocks. A roadblock is designed to temporarily control or block traffic along a road. Reasons for roadblocks include roadwork (due to construction, road conditions, flooding, or obstructions), temporary road closures during special events, police related activity (such as police chases and sobriety checkpoints), and military related activity (such as barricades). Likewise, in our lives, roadblocks are God’s way of protecting or shielding us from danger and enemy attacks; or preventing us from embarking on a path to unrelated, irrelevant, or unproductive activities or endeavors.

If you have tried all you can do to get ahead, and you feel like nothing that you are trying is working or you are asking yourself questions similar to the ones above, there is one of two things going on: (1) You are going down the wrong path or (2) your faith is being tested. If you are in category #1, and you are going down the wrong path, consider these points to get you headed in the right direction:

1. Stop spinning your wheels. When a vehicle is stuck in snow or mud, many will press the accelerator in an attempt to move forward out of the snow or mud. However, instead of the desired forward motion, the wheels on the vehicle tend to spin, leaving the vehicle stuck in the same position. Generally, spinning the wheels makes the situation worse not better, as the tires go deeper into the snow or mud. Meanwhile, damage is also potentially being done to the vehicle itself.

When you spin your wheels, you keep pressing the gas with the hope of the vehicle eventually moving forward out of its stuck position. This is definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting. In the case of spinning your wheels, you keep pressing the accelerator in hopes of the car moving forward, but the car remains in its stuck state. Usually, you have to use some other method to get the car moving forward, which may or may not involve pressing the accelerator at all.

In some cases, had you not chosen that route or road, you would have never gotten stuck in the snow or mud in the first place. Hitting roadblocks does not necessarily mean that you are totally on the wrong path regarding the greater purpose or vision, but you can certainly be approaching the right vision, dream, or endeavor the wrong way. Whether you are totally on the wrong path or you are just taking the wrong approach to the right endeavor, you will never make progress if you keep trying to tackle it in the same ineffective way while expecting the outcome to be any different.

In order to stop spinning your wheels, take the following steps:

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  Step 1: Stop! Apply the brakes not the accelerator. It is futile to continue to try to move forward if your wheels are spinning. Stop what you have been doing. It is not working. Do not continue to waste your time, resources, and energy on something unfruitful, unproductive, and ineffective. If you stop doing what you've been doing, you'll stop getting what you've been getting. Wise up. Stop and redirect your efforts for different results.

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   Step 2: Shift gears. In order to stop spinning your wheels, a shift in gears might be required. It might be necessary to put your vehicle in neutral to get pushed out of your stuck state. You might have to put your vehicle in reverse in order to change directions. Putting your car in a lower gear might be needed to shift the vehicle in just the right way to move the car out of the snow or mud. In your personal life, it might be necessary to slow down in order to access why your wheels are spinning. It might be necessary to do a gear shift to change directions and take a different approach in order to get different results.

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  Step 3: Remove obstacles. Many times when a vehicle is stuck in the snow or mud, there are obstacles preventing the counter movement needed to stop your wheels from spinning. There might be a chunk of ice or snow. There might be something behind the vehicle that is preventing you from going in reverse. In order to stop spinning your wheels and make forward movement, you must eliminate as many obstructions as possible. Likewise, in your personal life, obstacles like negativity, pessimism, lack of motivation, lack of creativity, and close-mindedness might prevent forward movement.

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  Step 4: Increase traction. Progress can only be made if there is traction. Traction is the adhesive friction between a moving object and the surface on which it is moving. Spinning your wheels reduces traction and can cause you to slide off the road. The interesting thing about traction is that the rougher surface area, the better the traction. Increasing traction means digging in your heels, and doing the work necessary to propel you forward and to stop your wheels from spinning. Gaining traction is not usually easy to do. It takes hard work, effort, and creativity. 

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  Step 5: Use handy tools. When you are stuck in the snow or mud, you use all the resources at your disposal. You use tools to which you might have ready access, like a shovel, salt, sand, gravel, kitty litter, or tire chains. Likewise, when you are spinning your wheels in your personal life, use resources at hand to move forward from your stuck state. Put on your thinking cap. Your own mind can be one of your greatest resources when used optimally and effectively. The issue usually is that we can limit ourselves with narrow-mindedness, pessimism, doubt, defeatism, and lack of vision or creativity. Replace your "stinking thinking" with positivity and optimism to get better results. Think outside of the box and out from the snow or mud onto to right path. Think of new ways to resolve old problems and issues. Seek wise others, who can also be wonderful resources to assist you in forward movement. Brainstorm with others and bounce your ideas off them. Seek wise, godly counsel from the appropriate persons. Seek examples of how others were able to stop spinning their wheels, to shift gears, and change directions. 

2. Determine the right path. If you want to avoid spinning your wheels altogether, determine that the path that you are about to take is the right one before taking the first step. This requires forethought, planning, and prayer. Even if you have previously spun your wheels and determine it is because you have ventured down the wrong path, do not despair. All is not lost. Shift gears, change directions, and get on the right path. You will know that you are on the right path when you have peace that you are doing the right thing; you have clarity in vision and purpose; and you have confirmation through prayer and circumstances. Notice that I did not say it would be easy. Just because the path is the right one to take does not mean it will be without its challenges. Every testimony involves a test. Our purpose is usually tied to our pain. Our ministry is usually tied to our misery. The right path might be lined with much discomfort and difficulty, but it all is tied to your God-given purpose of calling. Stay prayerful, vigilant, and focused to determine the path that you should follow.

3. Take a detour. What should you do if you have determined that the path that you are on is the right one, and you need to continue moving forward despite the roadblock? Do as you would if you discovered that your usual route from work to home has been blocked because of construction or an accident and you take another way home. Take a detour with your dream, vision, or plan. Do not let the roadblock be a deterrent in reaching the end goal. Do whatever it takes to go around the roadblock. This certainly requires knowing that you are on the right path in the first place. Roadblocks exist for a reason. They are designed to protect you or something else from danger and/or to re-route your path. If you are faced with a roadblock and you know that you are on the right path, do not be discouraged. Simply take a detour (try a different approach – a new route), but seek God and stay focused on your end destination. God will never steer you wrong.

If you have determined that you are going down the right path to the correct destination, and you never seem to reach your goal, you likely fall into category #2. Your faith is being tested. God is testing your trust level in Him. Do you really believe that the vision, plans, and purposes that He placed in you will be realized? If your faith is being tested, I have one piece of advice for you: Don’t give up! In order to walk in faith, you must not give up. You must hold the course and continue to hope. Hope anchors faith. And faith is believing something that you cannot see or experience yet will actually happen. Just because something has not happened yet does not mean it won't. I like to say, "Every delay is not a denial, and some denials are just delays." The reality is, you can stand in faith for something your entire life, and it can still not happen, but it will only happen through faith. This is where trust in God in so important, and seeking His will for your life. God can allow anything to happen, but He only does allow those things to happen that will ultimately benefit you. God even allows bad experiences to happen to strengthen your faith and facilitate spiritual growth. Don't let the bad experiences deter your standing in faith for what God has promised, but be prayerful that you are on the right path in the first place. If you are certain that you are on the right path, but you are encountering continual roadblocks, DON’T GIVE UP! Continue to stand firm in your faith in knowing that what God has shown you and promised you will materialize!

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

      

Expectations

    

Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.

-Charlotte Bronte

An expectation is a standard of conduct or performance expected by or of someone. We all have expectations of self and others. We have expectations that our spouses, children, parents, friends, co-workers, politicians, and neighbors will act in a certain way based on agreements, contracts, rules, guidelines, laws, and even imagination, desires, and needs. The problem with having expectations of others, especially as it relates to meeting a need of our own, is that we are always subject to disappointment when the expectations are not met. And expectations of others, as they relate to ourselves and our needs and desires, are rarely met the way that we want them met. Expectations always fall short in some way, as we are never satisfied.

Having expectations of another is a way of demanding them to act in a certain way based on your relationship with them. Having expectations is also a way of controlling relationships. When you have expectations, you are trying to control behavior to get desired results. The issue with that is the person who is endeavoring to meet your expectations, knowingly or unknowingly, seldom does so 100%, and you always have more expectations. Expectations birth expectations and lead to perpetual dissatisfaction, because there is never an end to the expectations. Samuel Johnson, English author, said, “We love to expect, and when expectation is either disappointed or gratified, we want to be again expecting. “ Having expectations of others can be a vicious cycle. When we have expectations of another, especially unreasonable and unexpressed expectations, we expect others to read our minds, and know our desired future or expected outcome or result. We create self-induced disappointment and undue stress and strain on relationships.

This does not mean we should have no expectations whatsoever. Should we expect our children to do well in school? Spouses to uphold their wedding vows? Neighbors to observe the HOA rules? Co-workers to fulfill their job responsibilities? Yes! What it doesn’t mean is that we seek to control behavior through our expectations of others. It does not mean that we expect others to meet needs and desires that only God can. It does not mean we hold others to some unreasonable standards and behavior based on our desires, needs, and concepts of how the relationships should be.

In relationships, especially romantic ones, we expect another person to supply us with security, joy, peace, and a sense of fulfillment, completeness, purpose, and significance. We seek in our partners, family, friends, and others what we should seek from God. We become disappointed when these others do not meet our expectations, and we become angry with them for not meeting out needs. We might even become angry with God when others do not meet our expectations, when we should have gone to God in the first place. Psalm 62:5 says, “My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him.” When we expect others to meet needs that only God truly can, we are putting others in place of God in our lives. We have to have a shift in the way we approach our expectations of others. We have to have reasonable expectations of others and present our personal expectations to the Lord.

When we present our personal expectations to the Lord, we are certainly not demanding anything from Him or seeking to control the relationship. We are saying to the Lord, “I trust you for the outcome.” When we present our personal expectations to the Lord, we have an attitude of expectancy, where we hope and wait on Him to meet our needs and desires. Expectancy is the probability or strength of belief that a particular action will lead to a particular first level outcome. Expectancy is excited awareness that something is about to happen. God says, He will supply all of your need and He will give you the desires of your heart. Walk in expectancy that this is true. We have to shift our unreasonable expectations of others to realistic hope in a faithful, loving God. God will withhold nothing good from you, so seek Him for what you want and need. Expect Him to fulfill your desires in the least expected, most satisfying way that will exceed your expectations. Put your trust in Him, and present your personal expectations to Him. Wait on the Lord. He will never disappoint you!

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

      

Exhale

  

In the 90’s, there was movie starring Whitney Houston, Angela Bassett, and others, called “Waiting to Exhale”, which centered around the lives of four female friends, who were all "holding their breath" until the day they could feel comfortable in a committed relationship with a man. Many ladies have identified with this movie, because they too, are waiting with baited breath to find the one with whom they can exhale and enjoy a life-long, committed relationship.

In the African American community, there are many, single-never-been-married, ladies over 35 – dare I say, over 40 or even 50 or 60. A 2005 U.S. Census Bureau study shows that 70% of Black women are unmarried, 42.3% percent have never been married, and 34% have never married by age 40. Many ladies have been waiting to exhale for decades, still hoping for Mr. Right, The One, or their Knight in Shining Armor. Many ladies are filled with hopelessness, loneliness, despair, and desperation as their biological clocks tick away and the years just seem to fly by, and they are still unmarried.

I recently read an article, “52-Week Husband Challenge Lady Is (Surprise!) Still Single”, which highlighted a woman’s one-year quest to find a husband. The article stated that this woman “spent all of 2009 searching for love and not finding it.” The woman’s Web site, “52 Weeks 2 Find Him”, was a social experiment that focused on the challenges in her journey to find a husband. At the onset of her project, she decided that if she had not found her life partner in a year, she would take a full year off from pursuing relationships. At the end of 2009, this single, never-been-married, 43 year old, Christian woman, still had not met “the one”. She has decided to break from the dating scene, but remains hopeful that love will come.

I am writing to all of the single ladies out there (“put your hands up”). Don’t despair. Despite the statistics, the long wait, the endless, fruitless dates, or your age or stage in life, there is hope. You can exhale (now). Single men, before you tune out, wait, there is something here for you as well. To single ladies and to single men, there are ways to close this great divide and get everyone hooked up.

First, to the single ladies, here is some advice on what to do until love finds you:

Breathe now. Although you desire a mate, please don’t hold your breath, sitting around waiting to exhale. Please do not put your life on hold or not do things that you want to do just because you do not have a man with whom to do them. Please, breathe now. Enjoy being and doing you. Enjoy your family and your friends. Do outings, events, and trips with other single ladies – the couples’ stuff will come. I know you might be tired of hearing it, but you must be complete and content before you are truly ready for a relationship. Love can come in the most unexpected ways and at the most unexpected times, usually when you are unaware or not vigilant. I think there is merit in the saying, “Love comes when you least expect it.” So ladies, stop trying to force it or make it happen. And please, don’t stop living and breathing because it hasn’t come. Exhale and enjoy life now. Come on, breathe in. Breathe out.

Think outside of the box. I know we all have our “types”, but when it comes to meeting a nice guy, you don’t have to lower your standards to choose someone atypical of your type. Usually, our types are more physical in nature (i.e., a certain height, weight, build, complexion, hair color, etc.). You just might miss your blessing by being more focused on physical traits than intrinsic values. Yes, we should be attracted to our mate, but does he really have to look like Denzel, Lamar, Hill, Shemar, or Morris? Does he have to be chiseled? Can he “just” be a healthy eater? Does he have to be exactly 6’2”? Will six feet do, especially if he is a kind gentleman? Does he have to be that young? That old? That chocolate? I challenge you, ladies, go younger, older, lighter, darker, bigger, smaller, shorter, or taller. Look at his heart. His values, traits, personality, and actions are what are really important. If he treats you well and has similar values, you’ll be amazed at how much more attractive he becomes as you get to know him. Even if you start off with a Denzel, if he’s a mean Denzel, he soon begins to look less attractive. Care less about looks and more about the person inside, and you will move one step closer to the man for you.

Be approachable. Now that you are thinking outside of the box, be open to meeting different men. Be open and approachable. Have an inviting, appealing look. Lose the scowl when you see men approaching. Say hello often and smile frequently. Men will not approach you if they have the slightest hint that they might be rejected. Body language is key. Be amenable to having a conversation. Nix the one word answers and coy remarks. Being a smart-butt is not cute. Be kind and friendly. Just because you have a conversation with a man does not mean you have to date or marry the man. Get into the practice of being open and inviting to different men (single men) that you meet, because one of those could be “the one”.

Pamper and primp. Glam it up. Go to the salon. Get a mani-pedi. Buy a cute dress and some stylish pumps. Get a MAC makeover. Get out of those jeans and sweats for a change. Nix the warm up suit and sneakers for a little black dress and stilettos every now and then. I know it’s easy to just “throw on something” to run to the grocery store or Wal-Mart, but put a little more effort into your appearance for “quick trips”. Instead of bummy stretch pants and a huge t-shirt with a scarf or cap, try nice jeans with a cute top and cute shoes for those last minute errands. The bottom line here is, always be cute and presentable. Do this for yourself. You’ll feel great, and trust me, “he” will notice, whoever “he” is. Ladies, we have to feel good and look good for ourselves first and foremost. If you look good and feel good about yourself, others will notice, including gentlemen admirers.

Make yourself available. Ladies, I know you all have lives. You’re busy with work, church, sorority, community, children’s activities, working out, planning meals, cleaning the house, and running errands. You already don’t have enough hours in the day. When that special man comes along, you have to make time for him in order to cultivate the relationship. Don’t lose yourself in him or disregard personal commitments for him, but do find time for quality time with him. You must strike a balance between letting your relationship consume you and your time and never having any time for the relationship. You have waited this long, you don’t want to lose out on a good man because you are not available. It is true that we make time for what’s important to us, so make the necessary adjustments to your schedule to make yourself available to develop a relationship with that special man.

Lose the attitude and the baggage. There is nothing more unattractive than a woman with a bad attitude or a chip on her shoulder, especially as it relates to men. Many ladies have had bad experiences in past relationships with men, which has marred them and that affects the way they relate to men. They are guarded and resentful. They blame every future man for the wrongs of the past men. Some hurts go back to childhood and their relationships with their fathers. Some have residual pain from former boyfriends, fiancés, or husbands, who lied, cheated, beat, belittled, neglected, deceived, or defrauded them. Many ladies wear this pain as a badge, and see it as a right to hold on to the baggage and administer a bad attitude to all subsequent men. Ladies, this will not work. FYI, this is a turn-off to men. Please don’t let your current man pay for the mistakes of your past men. Process through those past, painful experiences, so that your past baggage will not impact your present or future relationships. It is wise to guard your heart, so that you will not experience the same kind of hurt and pain from the past. But do not harden your heart, because that comes through in your attitude. Soften your heart and open yourself up to new possibilities. Lose the attitude and check the baggage at the door.

Be less independent. I know that we ladies are all “superwomen”. We can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. We can mow the lawn, paint the house, and change a tire. We are so capable – mainly because we’ve had to be for so long. Doing it all by ourselves for ourselves, make us incredibly independent. We have the mindset, “I don’t need a man for this. I don’t need a man for that.” Between you and me, doing it all by yourself, capable or not, is just exhausting! Please let the man be the man. Letting the man be the man does not mean being a helpless doormat or wimp. It means allowing the man to be the protector and provider, what he was wired to be. Letting the man be the man frees you up to be the woman that God designed you to be. Be less of a superwoman and more of a woman of strength. Give your man the opportunity to exhibit his manhood in the relationship. Don’t rebel, argue, or give pushback. Just let him do it. Let the man be the man. Be the woman that God created you to be.

Now, some advice to the single men:

Please approach us. We like you to initiate. It makes us feel special. I have already advised the ladies to be open and approachable. Now, it’s your turn to do the approaching. If you see a nice, approachable, single lady, go to her and strike up a conversation. Seize the opportunity in the grocery store, the bookstore, at the gas pump, in a restaurant, at a crosswalk, on the subway, in church (yes, church), at a wedding, or (heck) at a funeral. The point is, let no opportunity pass you by to connect to the lady that might just be “the one”. I know both men and women are not too keen on rejection, but honor the woman in us, and be the man, and initiate the interaction. More times than not, ladies will be open, receptive, and thankful that you did.

Be in hot pursuit. Now, men, once you have initiated contact, and have exchanged contact information with a lady, please pursue her. Initiate the first call and the first date. Continue to call her. Do not wait on her to call or expect her to do the calling. Ladies like to be pursued. This is a part of letting you be the man. Obviously, if you call and pursue, and never get a favorable response, she is not interested. But if a woman is interested in you, she wants you to pursue her, and she will in turn, respond favorably to you. So, guys, once you connect with a woman that you really like, and with whom you would like to develop a relationship, please be in hot pursuit of her. Trust me, you both will be glad that you did.

Stop juggling. Okay, single men, I know that there are a lot of single ladies from which to choose. But please, stop juggling multiple women, and focus on one woman at a time. It really does everyone a disservice when men seriously date multiple women simultaneously. If you are in the early stages of dating different women, be honest about that. Once you get more serious about one over the others, please stop dating the others and focus on the one about whom you are most serious. Inform the others that you would like to explore a serious relationship with someone else. Because it is still early in the dating phase, the blow will be softened for the ones that you do not choose. If you wait, and juggle all of the women, emotions are deepening and severing the relationships will be more painful. I think a woman would trade heartache for disappointment any day. So, single men, please stop juggling. Be open and honest about your feelings. Don’t string multiple women along. And when the time comes, focus your time and attention on that one special lady. She could be “the one”.

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

   

The Dash

  

I recently attended my cousin's funeral. He died after having a heart attack from shoveling snow. As we walked to his gravesite for his interment, I noted the many tombstones, all with date of birth through date of death. The "through" was represented by a dash (e.g., 1929 - 2004). With the inscriptions on many persons’ tombstones limited to name and dates of birth and death, it would seem that the lives they lived were reduced to a mere hyphen, the dash. In those graves, there was no evidence of the lives they lived, the people they impacted, or the goals they achieved. I commented to my cousin, with whom I rode to the interment, that "the dash", the way their lives were lived, is what really mattered. In order for us to have a meaningful life, we must learn to live life to its fullest; love God, self, and others; laugh and have fun; and lift and encourage others.

LIVE. Live life it its fullest. Make the most of each day. Live a purpose-driven life, and do activities related to your purpose daily. Set SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound), and be accountable and motivated as you work to accomplish them. Develop a “bucket list” of things that you want to do and see before you die, and actually do them. Spend time doing meaningful things with meaningful people. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Focus on the significant and important factors. Release anger. Don’t hold grudges. Build bridges, don’t burn them. Forgive yourself and others. Move on beyond past hurts, pains, and disappointments. Take time to “smell the roses”, and appreciate the beauty in things around you. Look for the blessing in everything, because there is one. Be thankful for waking up, and find ways to enjoy each day, no matter how big or small. Do plan for tomorrow, but live each day as if it is your last, with no regrets. When you live life to its fullest and make the most of each day, you live a meaningful life.

LOVE. God created us out love of love to live a life in love. A life without love is not really a life worth living. Living a meaningful life means loving God, self, and others through our actions. Love is being kind and affectionate toward others. Love means being more other-centered and less self-centered. But you must love yourself first before you can love anyone else, including God. When you open yourself up to God’s love, you can love others more easily. You can acquire wealth, status, and materials good, and do kind deeds and give to charity, but not love or have love and live a very meaningless life. The Bible tells us to pursue love (1 Corinthians 14:1). However, the only real way to pursue love is to give love yourself. Love leads to love and comes from love. Living a meaningful life means seeking opportunities to demonstrate love to others. Loving others is showing patience when you have little tolerance left. Loving others is celebrating with them even when you have nothing of your own to celebrate. Loving others is sacrificing time and energy for their interests and endeavors, even with the hope of nothing in return. Loving others is forgiving the unforgivable. Love is always fruitful. Living a life full of loving God, self, and others will always lead to a meaningful life.

LAUGH. Laughter is medicine for your soul. Laughter is cathartic. It helps to release emotional tension, anxiety, and stress. Laughter makes your heart light and takes the focus off of your issues and problems. Laughter can distract you from anger, guilt, stress, and negative emotions. Seek and create opportunities to laugh and have fun. Don’t always take yourself or the situation so seriously. Have a laugh at your own expense. Sometimes, it’s worth it. In sad times, find the humor to help lift your mood. In angry times, call a funny friend or watch a comedy to help diffuse your temper. Laughter can help get you through some heavy times. It probably takes just as much energy to laugh as it does to cry. Imagine if you could go through life with a light, merry heart instead of a dark, heavy heart, how much more meaningful life would be. There is nothing like a sense of despair to zap the meaning out of something. However, in the Bible, James tells us to “count it all joy” even during trials, because it’s a test of our faith (James 1:2). So laugh and rejoice more, cry and despair less, and live a more meaningful life full of joy and strong in faith.

LIFT. Living a worthwhile life means encouraging and helping others. Seek and take advantage of opportunities to assist others. When someone seems despondent or depressed, provide a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear, and words of encouragement. Do things to help improve the lives of others. When you see someone struggling or in need in the community, in your family, at your job, or in your church, make an assessment (either by observation or conversation) of what they need and how you can help, and do just that, help. There are so many ways to motivate, encourage, and help others – big and small. Help with your time, talent, money, or other resources, in whatever way you can. Help a single mother, a wayward teen, an elderly person, a widow, or a challenged student. A little help or encouragement goes a long way in the lives of others who are in need. Reach out to others in some significant way to help enhance their lives, and you will live a more meaningful life.

Live, love, laugh, and lift your way to a more meaningful life, and make your “dash” matter!

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

  

Just Do It

   

“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” (Henry Ford)

Nike, Inc, has a slogan with which we are all familiar: "Just Do It”. The slogan reflects a “can-do” attitude, which has been the underlying theme in Nike’s advertisements since the inception of the slogan in the 1980’s. “Just Do It” speaks to tenacity, perseverance, and determination. If you put your mind to something, you can do it!

Faced with the newness of another year, we like to make goals, plans, and resolutions, many of which are carry-overs from the previous year or before. What have you had on the back burner or your to-do list that you still did not get done in the past year? I challenge you today: "Just do it!" Remove the barriers, limitations, excuses, and doubt, and JUST DO IT! Be specific and intentional. Set goals. Take the first step. Ditch perfectionism. Transcend handicaps. JUST DO IT!

Be specific and intentional. Many people have New Year's resolutions, promises to themselves to do something in the new year. Your resolution might be something like: "Lose weight", "Stop smoking", "Be more patient", "Make a difference in the lives of others", or "Get closer to God". Resolutions are usually more general in nature and open-ended. There is typically no accountability with resolutions. Typically, with resolutions, you are not specific and intentional when determining or defining them. When you are vague and undeliberate, you can set yourself up for failure from the beginning. How many have resolved to lose weight or exercise for the new year, and by January 22, your excitement or motivation to so has fizzled out? Be specific. Instead of saying, “Lose weight”, say “Lose five pounds per month” or “Go from a size 20 to a size 14 in 12 months”. Instead of “Exercise more”, say “Do cardio twice a week for 30 minutes” or “Do circuit training three times a week for 45 minutes”. Be intentional. Set alarms; wake up earlier; journal; keep a day planner; have an accountability partner; create a vision board; make lists; keep your end goal in mind.

Set goals. Setting goals helps in being specific and intentional. An intention only becomes a goal when you activate a plan to achieve it. Goals are finite in nature, not open-ended. Goal-setting involves establishing specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-targeted objectives. Ask yourself what you want to accomplish this year. Keep a goals journal. List your overall goals. Develop actionable, specific steps that you can do to reach your goals. Determine, visualize, and record how you will know when your goals are met ("As measured by"). Record your milestones as you take steps toward your goals. Review your progress throughout the year to ensure that you are staying on track. When you set clear and attainable goals, it is easier to stay focused and actually accomplish what you plan to do. Set “SMART” goals. Use this acronym to guide you: S-Specific, M-Measurable, A-Attainable, R-Relevant, T-Time-bound.

Take the first step. There is a saying, “The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.” Any task gets easier once you’ve started it, but you have to take the first bite, I mean, step. Long-term goals depend on a series of short term goals in order to achieve them. Pace yourself. Don’t expect instant results. But do get the ball rolling. Celebrate small successes along the way to the big, end-goal. Always be in forward motion toward your goal.

Ditch perfectionism. Perfectionism leads to procrastination. If you have to have every "I" dotted and every "T" crossed before starting a goal, then you might never get it down. Do your best, but do not worry about getting it 100% accurate out of the gate. You can make modifications and tweaks along the way. (Of course, I am speaking directly to myself here, as an unreformed perfectionist.) Perfectionism can motivate you to persevere in the face of discouragement and obstacles. However, the very thing that motivates you (i.e., getting things done right), can also bog you down and impede your progress, because the focus is on getting it perfect instead of getting it done. To counter perfectionism, strike a balance between being without errors, flaws, and faults, and actually accomplishing your goals in a timely manner. Setting goals, having timelines, and sticking to a schedule can all help in pushing a perfectionist along to his or her goal. Also, be more forgiving of mistakes, and release the fear of failure or not getting things exactly right. Don’t’ be paralyzed by mistakes and failures. Use them as lessons and stepping stones to continue toward your end-goals.

Transcend handicaps. Don't be defined by your handicaps. Be defined by your abilities. Handicaps are not only physical and mental limitations. They are also emotional, economic, intellectual, and social limitations. We all have handicaps. A handicap is something that is a real or perceived hindrance or disadvantage. If we allow our handicaps to dictate our lives, we would rarely accomplish anything. In any given sphere or realm, you will have strengths and weakness, even if you are the best of the best in some areas. Many focus on their weaknesses, where they fall short, and where they have little skills, abilities, intellect, or talent. Successful people focus on their strengths. They think in terms of what they can do, not what they cannot do. When you define yourself by your abilities instead of by your handicaps, you focus on how you can accomplish something despite your handicaps. Your creativity kicks in. You think of new, innovative, resourceful ways of doing things. This might involve soliciting the help of others who are strong where you are weak. It may involve using some form of technology or a device to assist you. It may involve using reference materials, an external knowledgebase, or hired help. Whatever it takes to accomplish your goals, you do it, despite your handicaps. Your handicaps should be motivators, not deterrents, to accomplishing your goals. Nix doubts, excuses, and limitations, and JUST DO IT!

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach
     

Giants

    

I recently watched the movie, “Facing the Giants”. It is a story about a high school football coach who has never led a winning season. The movie is loosely based on the Biblical story of David and Goliath, and is chockfull of “giants”, like underemployment, infertility, handicaps, and unbeatable opponents. The movie’s tagline is: NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER BACK DOWN. NEVER LOSE FAITH. In the movie, the coach is challenged to trust in the power of faith and discovers the strength to persevere through his insurmountable crises, and encourages his team members to do the same.

Like the coach and his team, you might be facing some seemingly undefeatable giants in your life. Giants are real or perceived obstacles that seem larger or more powerful than usual. Giants can be persons, events, situations, or circumstances. Facing a giant can make you feel small, weak, and vulnerable. Facing a giant can cause fear and doubt. You can conquer the giants in your life when you turn opposition into opportunity, fear into faith, doubt into determination, and a stone into a weapon.

Turn opposition into opportunity. Crisis is a unique combination of danger and opportunity. Facing your giants does not come without risk, but there is always an opportunity for change and growth. When you turn opposition into opportunity and face your giants, you create a combination of favorable circumstances and a chance for progress or advancement that you would not otherwise have. When you turn opposition into opportunity, you have a chance to overcome your giants and experience victory. If you forgo opportunity, your giants will win by default. In the midst of a crisis, when you find yourself confronted by giants, take the risk and convert opposition to opportunity.

Turn fear into faith. Fear is false evidence appearing real. When faced with giants, you can convince yourself that something is true when it really isn’t. Fear of giants leads to negative self-talk and pessimistic thinking. It’s cliché, but true: Fear is the opposite of faith. You really cannot walk in fear and faith simultaneously. You have to forgo one for the other. Faith can cause you to view your giants from a different perspective. If you size your giants up against God, they all seem small and inconsequential. With faith in God, impossible situations go from implausible to plausible. Faith replaces fear with courage. With God, all things are possible, even having the audacity to defeat the giants in your life.

Turn doubt into determination. Fear causes doubt. When you fear your giants, you start to doubt your skills, abilities, talents, and intellect. You can lose your motivation to do your best and believe the best. Doubt can shut you down and foster a defeatist attitude. The more you doubt, the less you do. When you adjust your attitude, you affect your ability to do more. Your outlook determines your outcome. Trade doubt for determination and you will be more effective in facing and defeating your giants.

Turn a stone into a weapon. In the Biblical account of the battle between David and Goliath, David, who is a man of small stature, defeats the giant Goliath with a mere slingshot and stone. When you use a stone as a weapon, figuratively speaking, you do two things: (1) You use what you have on hand to confront and conquer your giant; and (2) You make the greatest use of something small to defeat your giant. In the movie, “Facing Your Giants”, the coach’s team was facing a team of undefeated champions. Because the team was outnumbered and outsized by the champions, the team had to use brains over brawn to win the game. The football team used strategy. David used his skills with a sling to defeat his giant. As with the football team and David, God will use the unique talents and skills that He has placed in you to help you successfully confront and conquer your giants. When faced with your giants, use creativity and resourcefulness to become a victor instead of a victim.

 

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

  

Vows

    

Vows are solemn promises or pledges to perform an act, carry out an activity, or behave in a given way.

Recently, I seem to be inundated with news and examples of broken wedding vows. From luminaries to “ordinary” people, there seems to be less and less concern about upholding marriage vows in a complete or absolute way. It starts with a laugh here, a touch there, a whisper, a lunch, a text or e-mail, a heartfelt talk, or a convenient opportunity.

Wedding vows are promises that a husband and a wife make to one another on their wedding day as they enter into their marriage. Marriage is not just a legal contract, signed by all parties involved, but it is also a covenant based on those vows promised. A seal distinguishes a covenant from a contract. Under the common law, the presence of a seal indicated an unusual seriousness in the promises made in a covenant, the common law would enforce a covenant even in the absence of contractually binding consideration (i.e., the price that one person pays for another’s promise).

A covenant seal is not meant to be broken. In a marriage, this seal is meant to tightly secure and protect the vows promised on the wedding day. The problem is, not enough couples really mean the vows they promise. If they did, there would be far fewer broken vows and covenants. Couples are more interested in sticking by each other in the good times (for better, for richer, in health), and are not truly committed to working together through the hard times (for worse, for poorer, in sickness). The sacredness of the wedding vows is lost in preparation for the wedding (not preparation for the marriage); not really understanding or embracing the vows; lack of commitment to the vows; and selfishness.

Many couples recite the following traditional vows on their wedding day:

“I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (husband/wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; forsaking all others, until death do us part.”

Some couples veer away from the traditional vows, and they recite their own wedding vows. The essence of the traditional vows is still generally at the core of the personal vows. In order to truly understand and embrace wedding vows, couples should consider what each component of the vows mean.

I…take you to be my wife/husband

A wife is a woman to whom a man is joined in wedlock. Likewise, a husband is a man to whom a woman is joined in wedlock. Wedlock is a compound word composed of the word “wed”, which means to get married, and “lock”, which is a security device. When a man and woman wed, the two become one cohesive unit, bound in (what should be) a secure, impenetrable relationship. When a man and woman marry, they are saying that they have chosen one another to be in a safe, lasting, covenantal relationship.

To have and to hold

When a bride and groom vow to “have and to hold” each other, they are promising to protect and cover (have) and to lift and support (hold) each other. When you protect and cover your spouse, you protect their body, spirit, and soul. You have his or her back. You do not allow or bring physical harm to your spouse. You speak highly of and kindly toward your spouse in the presence of each other and others. You protect your spouse’s image, reputation, and honor. You protect your spouse’s feelings by speaking the truth in love; empathizing with him or her; and considering the impact of your words and actions on your spouse. Spouses lift and support each other by affirming and encouraging; by listening and consoling; assisting and comforting; sharing in household and family responsibilities; and participating and supporting one another in individual and shared goals.

From this day forward

Permanently, from the day that you are married, you are to lay aside your single life. From that day on, you are to consider and respect your spouse in all that you do. The problem is people either do not let go of their single ways or forget that they did on the day that they got married. Leaving the single life behind means each person leaves his or her respective family of origin to form a new primary family, in which decisions are made solely by the couple without outside influences of family and friends. “From this day forward”, your spouse is honored or consulted in personal decisions and decisions that impact the primary family. This does not mean you consult your spouse for every little decision you make (“What do I wear today?, Where should I have lunch?”, “Should I go to the spa?”). It means that you think about how your decisions reflect upon things like your spouse’s image, reputation, and feelings, your family values, your budget, your vows, your children, and your plans as a couple.

For better or for worse

Too many couples live by the motto, “When the going gets tough, the tough getting going”, instead of, “Through thick and thin”. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. has a quote, “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” This can be said for marriages. The ultimate measure of a couple is not they stand in those loving moments, but where they stand when the heat is on, and there are no loving feelings to be found. Those who take their vows seriously, do whatever it takes to forge their way through the difficult times in their relationships. Couples who work through marital issues and strife, end up with a stronger bond and a thriving relationship. When couples vow and commit to “for better or for worse”, though storms may come in their relationship and their lives, they will always be one another’s shelter from the rain.

For richer, for poorer

Three parts in the traditional wedding vow speak to unconditionality in marriage: “for better, for worse”, “for richer, for poorer”, and “in sickness and in health”. When you make these vows, you are saying to your spouse that you will stick with through good times and bad times. Vowing ‘for richer, for poorer” means sticking with your spouse through lack and plenty, through fortunes and financial failures, through sound financial decisions and unwise money choices. The key to thriving in “for richer, for poorer”, is for spouses to make financial plans together, consult each other in financial decisions and purchases, and honor the family budget.

In sickness and in health

Someone dear to me asked her boyfriend at the time, if she was seriously disfigured or injured in an accident, would he stay with her. He said, “No”. How horrific and telling. Needless to say, they did not last much longer as a couple. This is someone that she knew that she could not marry. When you marry, you want to know that your spouse will be there with you “through thick and thin”, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, and if, God forbid, you were to become terminally or chronically ill or disabled. No one wants a “fair-weather” spouse. When you stand on your wedding day, and promise one another, “in sickness and in health”, you expect just that. It is important to know that you can rely on your spouse for care, support, and love during any potential illness for a lifetime.

To love and to cherish

The vow to love and to cherish your spouse is at the core of all of the vows. If you truly love and cherish your spouse, honoring all of the other vows come easily. To love your spouse means to extend kindly affection to your spouse. To love your spouse means to do loving actions toward your spouse, even when you don’t feel like it. When you cherish your spouse, you attach importance to your spouse. You appreciate, value, treasure, and prize your spouse. You show great care and concern. You take pleasure in thinking about, spending time with, and serving your spouse. You hold your spouse in highest regard with admiration and deep respect. When you love and cherish your spouse, you are devoted to and adore him or her.

Forsaking all others

When a couple vows to forsake all others, they are promising to be faithful to one another for life. Being faithful means not committing adultery or becoming physically or emotionally intimate with someone other than your spouse. It means communicating with your spouse and expressing your concerns to your spouse, instead of emotionally sharing marital issues with others, especially of the opposite sex. Far too many affairs begin because the disenchanted spouse begins to vent to someone other than his or her spouse. When you forsake all others, you do not put yourself in comprising situations. You do not have inappropriate, intimate, suggestive or sexually connotative conversations or interactions with others. When you forsake all others, you steer clear of behavior that would give even the suggestion or appearance of infidelity with others. When you forsake all others, you are loyal, dedicated, and true to your spouse.

Until death do us part

“Until death do us part” does mean just that -- marriage is for life until one spouse dies. God designed marriage to be for a lifetime. When a couple vows “until death do us part”, they are promising to commit for life, through hard times, low times, and bad times. The couple does whatever it takes to make the marriage last. The couple that has vowed “until death do us part”, perpetually communicates with one another; effectively resolves conflicts; keeps passion ignited; supports, respects, and honors each other; and resolves to stay together through “thick and thin”.

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach