Rewind or Fast Forward?

   
“The best prophet of the future is the past.”

The above quote was in a fortune cookie that I recently opened. As I pondered the phrase, I thought about ABC’s new television show, FlashForward, about a mysterious global event that causes everyone to see a glimpse of their lives six months from now. On the FlashForward Web site, the following questions are posed: “What if you saw your future 6 months from now? A glimpse of where you will be and who you will be with. Would you look forward to what was coming...or would you try to stop it?”

My question is: If given a choice, would you rewind back to an earlier point in your life for a “do-over”, or would you fast forward to a preferable future?

If we erase the past or fast forward to the future, we miss out on life, the joy and pain, the celebrations and challenges. Life, without the good and the bad, would be like a year without the changing of seasons. We would not appreciate the blessings that emerge from storms and tests, just like we would not appreciate Spring or Summer if we did not experience the coolness of Fall and Winter. We would take life, family, and friends for granted.

If we erased the past or fast forwarded to a preferable future, we would be shallow, without real substance or character. Life would not have taught us anything. We would not have built any lasting relationships and strengthened them through hard times. If we rewound the hands of time, we might not have the spouse we have, the children we have, or the friends we have. We might just lose it all. Some of you might say, “Good!” However, most cherish those relationships, and would miss out on many blessings if they were eliminated by changing the past.

If the past is the best predictor of the future, then what would we lose if could actually erased our past by pushing the rewind button and recording new memories? Is the preferable future we seek a result of a series of past events that geared us to a chain of actions that sets us on track to the future we want? If you never made that mistake, would you have ever tried that new thing that lead you to where you are today? And better still, would you have a better future if you hadn’t had a less desirable past? How many of us, if never challenged or tested, would ever move beyond the status quo?

Many of us, me included, would like to be able to press the fast forward button on our lives to get us to a preferred future outcome. We have been hoping, expecting, and standing in faith for so many things. We see others around us obtaining things we are hoping for or we are just tired – emotionally tired or just plain old impatient. We want to rush God or life. “Just hurry up already”, we say. If we press the fast forward button, we miss out on the refining process, in which our faith, endurance, patience, and gratitude are strengthened. We do not appreciate the steps, the process, or the pain that was involved in getting to the desirable future. If we fast forward to a preferred future, we skip the steps that prepare us for handling our future blessings. If we press fast forward, we miss out on valuable life moments. We miss out on living and learning.

Imagine waking one morning, after going to bed the night before as a 20-year old, to being a 42 year old, married parent. You have no memory of what happened in the last 22 years. You don’t know your spouse, your children, or anything about your life. Imagine how challenging it would be to relate to your family, to appreciate them, or even love them at that moment. You would have no basis for your relationships or your lives together. For you, there would be no foundation or nothing on which to anchor your life. Imagine how empty and shallow your life would be. Imagine how much you would have to learn to even be able to cope.

The next time you that you wish that you could rewind the hands of time for a “do over” (and erase and re-record), think about the lessons your past has taught you, the relationships that you have developed, the cherished memories that you have created, and the growth, maturity, and wisdom that you have received. Before you think about pushing that fast forward button to a preferable future, think about what is gained in the process of waiting. Your faith and trust in God is strengthened. Your patience and gratitude are developed. And you are prepared for your future blessings!


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach


       

Fit Faith

            
I went to class one of a 12-week step aerobics class this week. The instructor had just had a boot camp session before our step class. When I peered in on the participants, I saw them dripping with sweat as the instructor “barked out” commands for them to march-crawl across the (concrete) ground outside. Minutes later, they were back inside, continuing cardio, but the instructor did not let up one bit. I prayed that this would not be our instructor for the step class. But, lo and behold, I checked the class schedule, and none other than Ms. Boot Camp herself was indeed the instructor. My next prayer was that she would cut us some slack in the step aerobics class. NOT!!! She wore our bee-hinds out!

We all like to relish in our former, younger days when we could do 50 jumping jacks without getting out of breath; run ten laps without breaking out in a profuse sweat; go 20 times “around the world” on a bench step; or lift 200 pounds of weight without a spotter or a break. If you can still do those things, GREAT! You have stayed in shape – God bless you!

For many of us, being able to do those things again requires some reconditioning. Some of us have never done those things, and have to start from scratch – learning what works best and what does not.

As most of us know, getting and staying in shape is a process. When I left the class, I said to myself, “I have to get in shape to get in shape!” I will be working out at home to help build my stamina, which was at about 35%, to prepare for the next class. Perhaps, in class two, my stamina level will increase at least ten percentage points! The good thing about working out is, the more that you do it, the better you feel and the easier it becomes to do.

Faith, like fitness, is a process. We can get rusty with our faith just like we get rusty with our fitness. Faith must be developed, exercised, and maintained in order to effectively work. Trying to use faith in big spurts, instead of continually on a regular or daily basis, is like trying to do a fitness boot camp after ten years of not working out while expecting to get instant results and not be worn out. (No, it hasn’t been quite that long since I last worked out.) Fortunately, as with fitness, if faith is exercised regularly, you feel better, it becomes easier to do, and you get better and consistent results.

Faith is to believe that the promises of God will materialize although you do not see evidence, and to act accordingly. Faith = believing + acting. Faith is an “action noun” that must be exercised. How do we exercise faith and stay spiritually fit? When we exercise our faith, we receive it, anchor it, execute it, develop it, and sustain it.

Receive. The first step to exercise your faith is to receive it. How is faith received? By hearing and reading God’s Word, the Bible. Romans 10:17 says, “Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. If you hear something enough times, you start to believe it. The more you hear it, the more you believe it. God’s Word is designed to plant faith in us. Receiving faith is not a one-time proposition, but it is done continually as we trust and believe God. The more that we hear and read the Word, the more faith we receive in certain areas.

Anchor. Faith combines assurance and anticipation, belief and expectation. This anticipation and expectation represent hope. Our hope anchors our faith. Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hope is the basis of our faith. If we don’t expect anything, we don’t get anything. Ultimately, our expectations should come from God, not man (Psalm 62:5). Man can be disappointing and unreliable, but God is faithful and true to His promises (Hebrews 10:23). Our hope is even in effect when an unanticipated blessing comes our way for which we did not explicitly pray. We are reminded of God’s faithfulness. We received the unanticipated blessing based on our expectation, as Believers, that God loves us and withholds no good thing from us (Psalm 84:11). When we exercise our faith, we anticipate God to act on our behalves.

Execute. To be authentic and true, faith must be executed. It must be seen in our actions. James 2:20 says, “Faith without works is dead.” The “works” in this passage are the corresponding actions that we pair with our trust and belief in God. When we have faith, it shows in what we do. We all have heard the saying, “If you expect rain, take an umbrella.” Adding corresponding action to our faith means that we prepare ourselves for the blessings for which we are standing in faith. We demonstrate our faith through our works by thinking the part, dressing the part, and acting the part before we actually get the part. We surround ourselves with likeminded people, those strong in their faith, who are believing and trusting God in areas like us. We consult others who have received in the areas in which we are standing in faith. When we execute our faith, we implement a plan that puts our faith in action.

Develop. God gives each of us a measure of faith that must be developed (Romans 12:3). I believe this portion of faith is what Jesus refers to in Luke 17:6 as “mustard seed” faith. What we know about seeds is that they start small, but once planted, watered, and nurtured, the seeds grow into large blossoms. Jesus references levels of faith in the Bible: no faith (Mark 4:40), little faith (Matthew 14:31), and great faith (Matthew 8:10). In Romans 14:1, Paul references “weak faith”. If we do not cultivate our faith, we can find ourselves in the “no faith” or weak faith” category. If we do cultivate and develop our faith, we can go from little, mustard seed faith to great faith. As we develop our faith, we trust God for bigger and better, greater and grander, in our relationships, on our jobs, in our finances, in our ministries, in our spiritual lives, in our circumstances, and with our health. Developing our faith means moving from small to sufficient to super faith.

Sustain. Our faith is aided and sustained by prayer. Faith cannot be obtained or sustained without God’s help. When we pray, we ask God to help us in areas where our faith needs to be strengthened (Mark 9:24). Prayer is an attitude and an action that releases and maintains faith in our lives. Our acts of prayer say to God that we trust in, rely on, and believe in Him, and that we are assured that His promises are true. The more we pray, the more we believe that with God all things are possible (Mark 10:27). Through prayer, we can make seemingly impossible requests to God that He can and will fulfill (Mark 11:23-24). Through prayer, we see the results of our faith. Our faith is strengthened when God answers our prayers. We then become examples to others of faith in action, which helps develop and sustain their faith.

When we do not exercise, we can experience muscle atrophy, which is the degeneration or weakening of our muscles. If we do not exercise our faith, we can experience spiritual atrophy, which weakens our faith. Make a commitment today to exercise your faith by receiving it through the Word, anchoring it with hope, executing it with corresponding actions, and sustaining it through prayer.


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach

    

The Emancipation of IT

   

One of my pet peeves is the use of the catch phrase, “It is what it is.”

Everyone says it, from the radio commentator to my co-worker to my dad. (Sorry, Vee.)

Please, let us liberate “IT”. Let’s take it out of the nice little box that we have all placed it in recently.

Your team lost. It is what it is.
Your marriage failed. It is what it is.
You got a bad review. It is what it is.
The price of tea went up in China. It is what it is.

If I hear that phrase again, I will scream.

Arrggghh!!!! Someone just said it!

Why does this phrase cause me so much consternation? Because it is a very limiting phrase. By saying “It is what it is”, we limit ourselves to the present situation. We leave no room for improvement, progress, or change. I like to say in reply to “It is what it is”, “It was what it was and it will be what it can be.” Quite a mouthful, but a far more positive confession.

Let’s take the limits off ourselves and give “IT” a fighting chance.

I will not argue that with some things, “IT” really is what it is. Like God, He is who He is. He is unchangeable. And we certainly cannot put Him in a box. His ways are not our ways, and we will never fully comprehend Him. I am an African American woman – “IT” is what it is. But even in those things that truly cannot change, we can refuse to box ourselves (or the situation) in because of the facts. I could choose to accept defeat, and say, “Well, I am a black woman. It’s hard for us. I can go but so far. We have limits.” Etc., etc. etc. Someone might have been born or diagnosed with an incurable condition. Even if the condition “is what it is”, how the person approaches circumstances and life, in light of or despite the condition, is not etched in stone.

We should not define ourselves by the facts and circumstances. We should define ourselves by the way we react to and arise above them. Again, let us refuse to settle for “IT” – no matter what the “IT” is. Regardless of the facts, let us emancipate “IT”. Let’s think of new ways of seeing the circumstances, situations, or even the facts. Everything is subject to interpretation. Why not let your interpretation be the least limiting, most positive, liberating one?

When we say, “It is what it is it is”, we let ourselves become victim to our circumstances and situations instead of victors despite them. In his book, “Think Big”, Dr. Ben Carson suggests that remaining a victim of our circumstances is a choice that:

• allows us to blame other people
• lets us blame our circumstances
• permits us to avoid responsibility for our lives
• encourages us to feel sorry for ourselves, and
• guarantees that we will stay victims

We do not have to be victims of our circumstances and situations. We can “think big” to become victors by successfully taking “IT” out of its box by:

• keeping an open mind, free of limiting thoughts
• taking ownership and stop displacing blame
• thinking of creative ways to change your situation or impacts of your situation.
• asking yourself, “What can be done differently here for a better outcome?”
• using different lenses to view the circumstances
• reminding yourself that if you are saying, "It is what it is", there is always room for improvement, change, or progress
• using your sphere of influence to help others’ circumstances change, and lastly,
• repeating after me: “It was what it was….It will be what it can be…..”

Please, just for me, set “IT” free!

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach

   

Drought

                  

This is dedicated to everyone going through a dry season.

It has been raining a lot in the Atlanta metro area lately. We have gone from one extreme (a drought) to another (floods and flood watches).

Rain, heavy or light, generally impacts the way we function. Outdoor activities have to be canceled or moved indoors. Traffic, which is already bad here, gets worse, because people either slow down to be safe or cause accidents by driving recklessly in the rain. We might adjust our schedules or change our plans, because we don’t want to deal with the rain. Hairdos get destroyed and outfits can become soggy and grimy. Homes can be damaged and cars can be demolished in high flood areas. Children can’t go outside for recess. Outdoor sporting events are canceled. And as we have sadly learned here, lives can be lost. Rain may be unwanted by many. As the drops fall, people may sing, “Rain, rain, go away, come back another day.” When that next rainy day comes, the rain is just as unwelcome.

Recent flooding in Atlanta notwithstanding, I welcome the rain. I love rain. I love the smell of rain. For me, rain represents the blessings of the Lord. The harder it rains, the more I sense blessings coming my way. The recent profusion of rain in the Atlanta area signifies my moving out of my dry season, my drought, and into God’s abundant blessings.

A drought is when there is less rainfall than expected over a long period of time that impacts growing and living conditions. A drought can last many months. Droughts are a normal part of climate, and can happen anywhere. Droughts are characterized by inadequate supply, scarcity, and lack. During the drought here in Atlanta, we had low lake & river levels, water-use restrictions, brown lawns, filthy cars, dying crops, and dried up foliage.

According to the Drought Mitigation Center, there are three types of drought impacts: economic, environmental, and social.* Economic impacts cost people and businesses money. Environmental impacts include losses because of forest fires; soil erosion; damage to plants, animals, and their habitat; and air and water quality decline. Social impacts include mental and physical stress; health problems related to low water flows; loss of human life; reduced incomes; and fewer recreational activities.

Many of us have experienced personal droughts in our lives. You might be experiencing one now. My definition of a personal drought is an extended period of lack, insufficiency, and want, marked by dryness, longing, and fruitlessness, which adversely impacts emotional and spiritual growth.

Impacts of a personal drought include:

Dry places. A drought produces a dry atmosphere. When you are experiencing a personal drought, your spiritual life is dry. Your social life is dry. Your career is dry. Your marriage is dry. Everything loses its “umph!”.

Crop failure. Nothing that you do seems to succeed (at least not the way you envision it). Attempt after attempt fails. You plant seeds that never seem to grow. If there is any growth, the fruit is soon dried up.

Erosion. Erosion is a wearing away or wearing down. A drought can cause erosion of your spirit and soul, even your body. Your quality of life can greatly diminish because of the stress and strain associated with your drought.

Resource drain. During a drought, the resources that you saved in more plenteous time are depleted. Funds that you have saved for a "rainy day" are used up. A drought leaves your stores empty.

Hunger. In a natural drought, in extreme cases, crop shortages can lead to low food supply, which can lead to hunger. In a personal drought, the dryness, failures, erosion, and resource drain can leave us hungry and longing for abundance.

If you are experiencing widespread dryness, crop failure, erosion of the spirit, soul & body, resource drain, and a hunger that cannot seem to be satisfied, no matter what you do, you are in a personal drought season. A drought can leave you feeling defeated, exhausted, broken, useless, and hopeless. Do not despair. Relief can be found during a drought by mitigating the drought, seeing the signs, and seeking Living Water.

Mitigate drought. Find ways to reduce impact of a drought. With natural droughts, you mitigate the impact by finding additional water supplies and conserving water that is already available. In a personal drought, to help reduce the impact of the drought, take the following actions:

º Go to the water. When your well is dry and there is no rain in sight, go where others are being watered. Encourage yourself and allow others to encourage you. Surround yourself with energetic and positive people.

º Redirect your efforts. Pray for "seed" that grows in low water environments. Instead of repeatedly focusing on big things that will fail during a drought, think of small things that take less effort and will certainly render success. Instead of asking, “How can this work?” ask, “How will this work?”

º Pamper and protect yourself. Enjoy rest and solitude. Take “me time” to counter erosion of your spirit and soul, and body. Stay grounded spiritually. Pray for guidance through the drought.

º Work with what you have. Learn to do more with less. Be creative. Rely on others. Recognize and receive blessings.

º Trust and seek God. Seek God for your supply during your drought. Have faith that the drought will end, and the rain is coming. Know that God has abundant blessings stored up for you, and is ready to release them.

See the signs. Recognize when the drought is lifting. Your drought season is coming to an end when the following is occurring:

º It’s raining. Your spirits are lifting. You’re getting the pep back in your step. Things start to regain their appeal. Your life is no longer dry and lackluster.

º There’s fruit. More things are working out for you. Reaping becomes progressively easier and bountiful.

º You’re healing. Not hurting. You have a renewed sense of hope. You are no longer worn down and worn out.

º There’s excess. Finally! You can now start rebuilding your stores and saving some instead of spending and using so much.

Seek Living Water. In Biblical times, most homes and public buildings had cisterns, which were pits dug into plastered rocks to collect rainwater. Cistern water was dirty and its supply depended on the amount of rain. In contrast, spring water was fresh, clean, and in vast supply. This fresh source of running water was called “living water” because of its life-giving qualities. Jesus, the giver of eternal life, refers to Himself as Living Water. In John 7:37-38, He says, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.”

God could be allowing your drought to draw you nearer to Him - to thirst and hunger for Him - to fully rely on Him. Psalm 107:9 says, “He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.” Isaiah 58:11 says, “The LORD will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” If you are in a drought season, seek God for Living Water, that only He can provide. This Living Water can satisfy any thirst.

If you have experienced any of the impacts of a drought, be patient. There is a reason for and an end to every season. The rain is on its way. Sense the showers of God’s abundant blessings coming your way!

"Open the floodgates of Heaven. Let it rain!"


Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach


*http://drought.unl.edu/kids/impacts/affects.htm

   

Fear

 

Anyone that knows me knows that I am not a bug person. And my biggest fear is bees (or anything with a stinger, quite frankly). And I especially hate large bugs of any kind, like those nasty water bugs. (And apparently, as a bug fearer/hater, I moved to the wrong state, Georgia!) I have gotten better over the years, but I still lose my very ladylike composure when a bee is around, especially those big, black bumblebees.

A few mornings ago, I was getting ready for work, and I saw a ladybug in the bathroom. I didn’t flinch, but certainly took notice, and when I realized that it was a ladybug, my concerns were allayed. I said to myself, well in fact, to the ladybug, “You’re an okay bug. You bring good luck. You’re a good sign.” And I merrily went about the task of continuing to ready myself for work.

What causes me to fear bees and big bugs but to be okay with ladybugs? Why do we, in general, fear some things and not others?

Fear comes in many forms. We fear the known and the unknown. The common thread is not the fear of object itself, but the fear of the outcome or consequences of encountering the feared object. For me, with bees and bugs, it’s the fear of being stung or crawled on by something nasty and germy (yuck!). Ladybugs pose no threat of injury or contamination, and I see them as a benefit not a detriment. We can fear things like amusement park rides, creepy-crawly things, heights, small spaces, or elevators. We can also fear intangible things like change, public speaking, social settings, taking on new tasks, or confronting others. Some fears we can avoid all together (like me, bungee jump or sky dive – NEVER). Other fears we can encounter occasionally or frequently.

Whatever your fear, you can conquer it!

Question yourself. Ask, “What’s the worst that could happen?” If the “worst” were to happen, what would be the outcome? How would you handle the “worst” outcome? Usually, the thing that you fear the most will not happen. Something contrary can also occur, what you fear the most can happen because you are so focused on it. For me, because I fear bees, I see bees. But the chance of my being swarmed by bees, or even stung, is small.

Confront your fear. Grab the bull by the horns! The first step to releasing your fears is to face them. After asking yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen”, take the next step to process through your fear. Think of what caused the fear in the first place. Deal with the feelings and memories that are invoked by your fear. Also, put yourself in situations that force you to face your fear.

Replace your fear with faith. Faith is the opposite of fear. FEAR = FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL. In more cases than not, the things we fear are not actual threats at all. Or the consequences of encountering them are not as extreme or severe as we imagined. Indeed, some fears are based on traumatic experiences, but usually those were the worst case scenarios and would not likely happen again with the original intensity. However, in many cases, there is no (real) proof that the feared object is a (true) threat. Faith, on the other hand, gives us proof of God’s goodness and a desirable outcome. Have faith that the feared object poses no real threat and will not really harm you. Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

Take baby steps. Years of fear are not erased overnight. Chances of instant release from your fear are slim. As with most things, it’s a process. There is a saying, “The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.” Your fear may seem insurmountable, but you can triumph over it! Have a plan to slowly, but surely, work through your fear. Celebrate the small successes.

Avoid danger. Do not put yourself in harm’s way when working through your fear. Self-protection and self-preservation are a priority. (If you fear bees because you are allergic, please don’t go near any hives.) If your fear involves true danger or fear of another person, do not expose yourself to a violent, abusive, or potentially fatal situation – involve law enforcement, a spiritual leader, or a mental health professional, as needed.

Seek counseling. If your fears are really paralyzing and you are unable to function when faced with thoughts or threats of your fears, schedule time with a counselor or therapist to help you process through the root of your fears. Some fears are deep-seated and require professional help to work through. Professional help can be found through churches, healthcare networks, community organizations, and job resources.

Face your fear! Keep the faith!

(For the record, I have gotten better with bees and bugs over the years, but I am still a work-in-progress. :-))

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach

    

Happiness

 

An Internet article title caught my attention: “Happiness Dollars”. The article spoke about the age old question, “Can money buy happiness?”

What would it take to make you truly happy? What could make you wake up daily with a smile on your face and honestly say, “Today, I’m happy!”, and really mean it?

I can imagine some answers:

“A million dollars.”
“Being debt free.”
“A husband.”
“A wife."
“A child."
“Someplace to call my own.”
“A new job.”
“No job.”
“A new relationship.”
“No relationship.”
“A stress free day."
“A vacation.”
“Great friends.”

Certainly, these things can bring a measure of happiness. However, the problem with happiness is that it is fleeting. Happiness depends on happenings. And sometimes the happenings aren’t so pleasant. Some days our jobs, spouses, children, and friends can make us unhappy. Our everyday lives can interrupt our happiness. We can wake up with every intention of making it a “happy day”, but something can occur to divert our happiness. There is a saying, “Life is what happens when you have other things planned.” The reality is that we cannot plan our happiness around our lives or our lives around our happiness. We would constantly subject ourselves to disappointment. Happiness is great. It gets our endorphins flowing and reduces stress levels. It makes us feel good. But life should be less about pursuing happiness and more about living a fulfilling life.

Consider the following essentials for living a fulfilling life:

Joy. Joy is different from happiness. Joy does not depend on external factors like happiness does. Joy is an internal state of the heart. Joy energizes you. Nehemiah 8:10 tells us that the joy of the Lord is our strength. Joy makes you smile when it seems that you have nothing to smile about.

Contentment. You’ve heard the saying, “Enjoy where you are on the way to where you’re going.” That sums up “contentment”. Contentment is not about settling for mediocrity or the status quo, but it is about appreciating your current blessings and successes. If you don’t appreciate what you have, it is difficult to move to the next level of blessings or success. Living a fulfilling life means learning, like Paul in Philippians 4:12, the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Peace. Peace is a state of internal calmness and serenity, which is free from worry and anxiety. Living life to its fullest means having peace in the midst of storms, trials, and tests. It means having the type of peace that others cannot comprehend, considering what you are going through. Having peace is to “let go and let God”. It means trusting God will work on your behalf in the midst of life’s challenges.

Sense of purpose. Living a fulfilling life means having a sense of purpose. It means figuring out why you were created and what contribution you can make in the world. When you have a sense of purpose you have a reason to wake up each day. Our families, friends, careers, and callings give us a sense of purpose. We can connect with others and become active in church and public service organizations to give us a sense of purpose. Mentor a youth or a peer. Having a sense of purpose involves serving others and helping to enhance their lives.

Making each day matter. Living a fulfilling life means making each day matter. We can make each day matter by deciding to do something meaningful daily, big or small. It means maximizing your time. Making each day matter means making the most of your life.

Gratitude. Living life to its fullest means having an attitude of thankfulness for what you do have. My personal motto is, “In everything, find the blessing.” Having gratitude means making a habit of seeing the blessing in a situation, no matter how big or small. This will change your perspective. Look at what you do have, not at what you don’t have. Think about what’s going right not about what’s going wrong. Your outlook determines your outcome. Mindset is everything!

Hope. Hope is expecting something desirable to happen or be possible. Hope anchors our faith. “Faith is the substance of things hoped for….” Hope embodies optimism, anticipation, and aspiration. Hope motivates us to move forward toward a goal. Hope energizes and revives us. With hope, we see the possibilities. Living life to its fullest means being hopeful about what can happen and expecting the promises of God to come to pass.

Faith. Faith is believing what you expect to happen will happen. Faith is persistent, even when the odds are stacked against you or the goal seems implausible. “Faith is…the evidence of things not seen.” Faith is believing that something will happen even though you do not have any visible proof yet!

Happiness will come (and go). Pursue a fulfilling life full of joy, contentment, peace, hope, faith, and a sense of purpose, being full of gratitude and making each day matter!

Jacinta M. Gray,
The Couch Coach

   

Dispensable Relationships

  

I heard sermon based on the book, “11 Indispensable Relationships You Can’t Be Without!” by Leonard Sweet. The author uses 11 classic figures from the Bible to detail key personal attributes that make up God's Dream Team for your life. The characters signify the types of friends you need (e.g., an editor, a true friend, a butt-kicker, a protégé, an encourager, and a back-coverer). In the sermon, the pastor stressed that being these things for someone is just as important as having these things in relationships.

In pondering who fit the bill in my life and for whom I possessed these qualities, I also thought about relationships that we could all do without, that is “dispensable relationships”. Dispensable relationships are stressful, unfruitful, unfulfilling relationships with difficult people.

Research and personal experience prove that supportive relationships are good for your emotional and physical health. Contrarily, ongoing, negative relationships with difficult people are actually detrimental to your health.

I thought of seven difficult relationships that we can all do without:

º Backstabber – This type of person will attempt to discredit you or unfairly attack you through deceitfulness. Backstabbers are sneaky and underhanded. They will betray you when given an opportunity. This is someone you cannot trust.

º Bully – Bullies are aggressive, overbearing, and intimidating, especially to those that they perceive as being weaker. Bullies are usually compensating for their own weaknesses and insecurities. They will generally attack when they feel threatened in some way by another.

º Complainer – This type of person is a consummate fault finder. The Complainer has a lot to grumble about. This person is seldom happy and usually lacks contentment. The Complainer rarely has praise, compliments, or commendation for someone or something else. Complainers are quick to point our problems, but they offer no solutions.

º Complier – The Complier may seem like the least difficult person in the group. The Complier is a “Yes Man”, who is always agreeable and never challenging. A Complier will agree with you to be liked or socially accepted. Compliers do not strengthen relationships, because they typically do not have anything to add. Compliers may actually cause codependency because they say what you want to hear. They may also rouse bullying behavior in you because of their passive nature.

º Drainer – This type of person sucks your energy, resources, and time. A drainer is a user with nothing to offer in return. The drainer may not be recognizable initially, because he or she gradually depletes you to the point of complete exhaustion. If you feel worn out and used up by a relationship, the person with whom you are interacting is likely a Drainer.

º Know-it-all – There are two types of Know-It-All’s: a “true expert” and “pretentious expert”. Both are annoying and neither is fully informed. The “true expert” has a depth and breadth of knowledge, but has a corresponding arrogance. The “true expert” likes to boast their intelligence and make others feel less superior when they are not knowledgeable on a subject. The “pretentious expert” is partially or minimally informed on a number of subjects, and shares what little they do know to make themselves look good – even if what they are sharing is not 100% accurate. Both types of Know-It-All’s are ego-driven, and not interested in truly helping others.

º Pessimist – This type of person always sees the glass as “half empty”. They look at what is wrong, missing, deficient, or lacking in a person or situation. The Pessimist sticks with the status quo and does not desire progress or change. The Pessimist is often filled with hopelessness and helplessness. The outlook is generally grim with this person.

After assessing the relationships in your life, you might identify some of these difficult relationships. To diminish or eliminate these types of dispensable relationships, follow these steps:

1. Examine yourself. Do not be quick to judge. First, look at your own behavior when interacting with others. It is important for us not to be a “dispensable” friend to someone else. Are you mirroring someone else’s negative behavior and projecting that behavior in other relationships? Do you have negative behavior of your own?

2. Know yourself. Assess, establish, and/or refine your core values. Be true to yourself. Know the type of person you want to be and the type of life you want to live.

3. Distance yourself. Reduce the amount of time spent in negative relationships. Find new friends and new interests.

4. Project yourself. Assert your independence in thought, word, and deed from dispensable relationships. Be a good example and a positive influence to others in your life.

5. Protect yourself. If you have a bad feeling about somebody, trust your instincts. If somebody betrays you, forgive the person, but be cautious about allowing the person back into your circle of trust, if ever. Do not allow yourself to be excessively used. Don’t let others drain or deplete you.

6. Surround yourself. Foster positive relationships and surround yourself with positive influences. Befriend those who help solve problems not create them. Keep company with likeminded people. Seek reciprocal relationships – not in the since of “use and be used”, but as in “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend” (Proverbs 27:17).

7. Remind yourself. Before allowing yourself to become involved in a negative, draining, degrading, nonreciprocal, or unfruitful relationship, remind yourself that some relationships are truly dispensable.

Jacinta M. Gray,

The Couch Coach